To feel nervous about post-birth attention 🥴

[Cocomandarin]

I’m 31 weeks now. This is my second baby. For some reason the last few weeks I have really not wanted to see family. They’re just irritating me. I don’t have a ‘village’ by any means. We usually plod along quite content with the odd visit to parents but not often.
I’m feeling really anxious, I’ve waited a long time to have this baby and I’m feeling a bit protective over our first few weeks. The baby has a health condition also and it’s made my pregnancy hard.
I’ve had my mum asking me when my likely date is for a c section because she’s worried her holiday will clash with it. In laws annoying as usual. They’ve bought a cot before I have. I’m even nervous about doing the school run when baby is here!? I wouldn’t usually care but I’m stressing over this. I am on the spectrum and usually cater to others but I just want to be alone with my family. Last time I had family arguing over who gets to see baby first in the hospital 😩

My parents met me and my baby in hospital. I asked the in laws to wait a week. It’s fine to ask them to wait although a ‘few weeks’ is a bit long. Why have the in laws bought a cot? Is it for your house as a gift or are they hoping to have baby over night?

@Girlygal they want the baby over night. There was no conversation about it before

How soon do they want baby overnight? Are you going to breastfeed?

Why did your in laws have to wait a week but your parents were at the hospital?

@Onthebusses i don’t really know and don’t think that’s a decision they can make? We’re not very close. Yes I will be

Because I was in pain and wanted my parents. My body my choice.

@Girlygal this is how I feel.. i have so many friends/ family I am so close to that have given birth. I have never asked to come to the hospital and if I’ve been invited I’ve asked if they’re sure they are feeling up to it and made my visit short.

Well, first of all it takes at least 12 weeks to establish your milk supply and baby should stay with you for that time at the very least.

I think buying the cot is just awful. It is a statement, it says ‘baby will be staying here’, but it's your baby not theirs.

If they cared for you they would want to support you in the way you want. I hope your husband is supportive at least.

I was only asking as it’s also your DH/DP baby.

It's okay to not want to see family straight away. Even if they were perfect and tactful and just wanted to come over and do the dishes/laundry so you can rest with the baby it would be okay not to see family straight away, and they sound like they are not quite perfect or tactful 🙄
A few weeks with just your husband and kids is perfect reasonable. Some mums feel better having extended family around, some don't. If it makes things easier you can say it's a personal preference and nothing to do with them, or that you've decided to follow Chinese confinement, or you'll be too busy/on standby for hospital appointments.
Probably best if you can tell them soon to manage expectations, it's not going to be an easier conversation once the baby arrives. Is DH on board with keeping everyone at arms length for a bit? Can he tell his parents so you don't have to?

Don’t feel anxious about any of that OP. Put your foot down like NOW, set clear boundaries, write them down, share with your partner tell him you expect his full support for the wellbeing of his little family, and then send it to your parents and in-laws as an FYI. Don’t apologise, don’t feel bad. You are the one having the baby not your partner not your parents and not your inlaws.

You say baby has a medical condition. Will that mean (s)he will need to stay in hospital for a while after birth? If this is the case, babies in ICU are only allowed a certain number of visitors at any one time. This could help you limit visitors. Afterall, then it is the hospital, not you who is saying no. I hope that you and baby have the easiest birth, treatment and recovery you possibly can.

I met my grandson when he was 4 days old... I was devastated. Don't push your Mum aside. You are most definitely going to need her. Accept all the help offered

@Fontet you sounds completely over the top.

4 days is nothing, if you’re always so dramatic I can see why they made you wait

Good lord let them buy what they like it doesn't give them a right to tell you you have to give your baby over to them overnight !!!

Relax.
Handle these things as they arise.
If anyone starts planning things you don't want (hospital visits, overnight stays ect) just use the phrase ''We'll see, i don't know yet''.

Them when the time comes - no, i'm sorry, i don't really want that thank you. DH inside to handle his side.

My first GD is 2.
Me and DH bought a cot and put it in our spare room with a big comfy king size bed for my DD to come and stay (plus son in law obvs) with baby.

NOT to have babe on my own !

It's been lovely, she's been over to stay with GD loads. I dont understand this mad urge some GPs have to have GC overnight on their own. It not my baby it's my DDs!

My DP wasn’t the patient. If he was the patient, would he want my parents or his parents? A woman who has just given birth shouldn’t be put on show for her in laws.

I didn’t see anyone at all for three weeks. Do what you’d prefer, assuming you’re not relying on either set of parents for childcare when you’re in labour.

I think the problem here is that people are making all sorts of assumptions and no one is considering you.

I couldn't stand being around other people in the last part of my pregnancy and after birth especially when it just felt like everyone wanted a slice of the pie (the pie being the baby and so by extension, me).

My in laws bought a cot, it's been sat in their house for 3 years and never used.

I think it's very overwhelming when people have expectations because there's a pressure to fulfill them. I felt this pressure in the first year or 2 of motherhood but I have learned that I need to do what's best for me and it doesn't matter if it doesn't suit anyone else. Like with my first baby I felt like I need to leave her with other people when they offered but I've learned that I don't like to leave my babies side until about 9 months so I didnt with my second and won't with my third and I don't need to explain that to anyone.

@Girlygalyour baby is not your body and the father has equal say. If he wanted his parents to meet the baby would you have stopped that? I think it’s totally unfair.
OP there’s no way your in laws can demand to have your baby overnight. Totally up to you. So don’t worry about that.
If you feel anxious then just ask for consideration. Rope your partner in to this and tell them and him to limit the visiting to say an hour. Then HE gets them out. And if you don’t want any visitors for a few days then no visitors. Tell your mum the baby isn’t going anywhere if they arrive while she’s on holiday. Tell her in no uncertain terms you are not going to be told when and whom people can visit. Have your partner say the same to his family.
You will handle the school run - it will just take longer. Give your self plenty of time so you don’t get stressed about being late.

I was the patient. My DP understood.