Difficult situation as a solo mother

[KJS89]

This is quite long winded but I'd be grateful for any advice....

I began the journey to motherhood as a single mother a few years ago via IVF.
I then met someone (female) and told her what my plans were. She said it's not necessarily what she wanted but that she would support me.

I had a failed FET back in April and am currently 5+5 with a double embryo transfer.
Obviously I'm feeling every emotion under the sun and this is exacerbated due to the IVF medication I'm currently taking daily.

Me and my partner (now together a year and 8 months) have argued/debated/discussed a lot in the last week.
My concern is that she still doesn't want children right now but does want to support me and how this will look.
But, more importantly, if I am doing the right thing by the future child in keeping my relationship.

We do have a great relationship and I love her dearly but can we sustain what is about to come, knowing it's not 💯 what she wants and she could potentially leave at any time.

To make it clear, I absolutely do not want to try and change her mind on this. Being a mother was my dream which I am making come true but it's not hers and that is totally fine. My question is, should we continue our relationship if we aren't on the same page about children?

Thanks I'm advance 🙏

Have you said to her 'do you want to be on this journey with me?'
Do you live together?

I have and she just keeps saying that she isn't ready to be a mum but that she will support me (and has suggested that this would be with things around the house or with the baby).
And yes we do now live together, which complicates things more.

You need to think what matters more to you. Do you want to have a child or a partner? It’s difficult enough to be a parent when you are with someone who also wants the child. I can’t imagine how hard to negotiate parenthood when you are living with someone who doesn’t want to be a parent and has no connection to the child.

She needs to move out. This is too complicated and will only get more complicated.

She can visit as a friend after baby is born.

Just because many lesbian couples choose to have children together and parent as equal parents it doesn’t mean you have to do that. If both of you agree, she could have more of a step-parent type role. You could have your babies call her by her first name for example? Or I know of what couple where the child’s mother is Mum and the mother’s female parent is known as Auntie.

I think she should move out.
Its hardly supporting you if shes making you feel weird and shes being vague and non committal.

How many times throughout history do you think there's been a pregnancy that the partner wasn't ready for or fully on board with? Millions and millions. I'd guess that most of the time once the baby is there, doubts and confusion disappear and the partner falls completely in love with the baby, even if it wasn't what they'd planned. Sometimes they don't, and a different path is carved out. I would suggest not trying to second guess and plan too far ahead, because you just don't know what will happen. For as long as your happy together, stay together - hopefully it will all work out beautifully, but if it doesn't, it will be OK too. Good luck with everything, I wish you all the best

No. Why force children on her? There's no way to move forward with her. I think you are grossly under estimating what your life will be with a child in it. Your priorities will change. Your thoughts will be consumed with your child and parenting. You will be exhausted with a new born. You won't have the mental capacity to give to her. You are about to change.

Gosh this sounds like a car crash waiting to happen. She doesn’t want to be a parent, the baby (babies?) isn’t biological or legally hers, and it’s a new ish relationship.

Much much better to make your life less complex before adding kids and their emotions to the mix.

I’m sorry but I think it’s crazy to carry on in a relationship where the other partner doesn’t want children. How could it ever work?

This

Having a baby rocks your relationship. I heard this a lot before kids but really only appreciated how true it was once i had children. Having a baby fundamentally changes how you conceive of yourself for a significant time (potentially forever). Look into Matrescence to understand more.

Having a baby also wierdly brings up so many thoughts and feelings from your own childhood, it can trigger very challenging emotions as you process how you feel about your child versus how you were raised by your parents. Its a very vulnerable, emotional time.

Your partner will go from being a priority to an afterthought for a significant time as you adjust to the demands of motherhood. This places a burden on any relationship. There may be feelings of jealously, strong feelings of how best to raise a child - different thoughts from your partner about how to respond to babies needs and childs be behaviour. You would need to be absolutely clear about the roles you each play within the childs life - are they going to have equal say in raising of the kids and if so have you really discussed how you will manage things - e.g. sleepless nights, whether to sleep train or not, cosleeping, weaning etc.

There will be so many more opportunities for resentment amd frustration - we she want her life to change, does she like to go out to eat, enjoy adult activities - how will you approach this?

I dont think anyone can tell you what you should do about your relationship but do think really carefully and prepare as much as possible ahead of time. If you are unsure it will be far easier to end the relationship sooner rather than later.

The ridiculous and not realistic. Having a new born and a partner who doesn’t want to help In parenting is unnecessary stress.

you will not have time nor the patience for it. The sort of support you need may make her feel like she is being pushed into a familial role with the children that she doesn’t want. Especially if she is around a lot or at the birth.

or she might change her mind. Do you want to share these children with her or the parental responsibility. These are all things to think about.

Completely different if the child is biologically theirs. This is not the case here. She may resent living with a baby she never wanted. Honestly op, move out. Once the baby is here it’s not like she can support from the sidelines, newborns are full on and you can’t escape it.

…. Bizarre decision to live together sorry. Just absolutely bonkers on both your parts.

how can you opt out of parenting but decide to move in together when your partner is trying to get pregnant. It makes no sense.

how will you measure what is and isn’t her parenting. Then you’ll be resentful of the refusals to do regular feeds or help at nights or change a nappy if she’s says it’s “parenting”.

What about all the step parents who raise and love a child like their own flesh and blood? Why would you tell someone to leave their partner without ever even having met either of them?! If it doesn't work, they can just split up, like so many couples do. But what if it could work, and she doesn't even give it a try because a load of strangers have told her to give up before even beginning? Follow your gut, OP, and always keep the baby's wellbeing in top spot.