Anyone else not have a ‘village’ 🤔🤨

[kdmummyx]

I quite literally don’t have nor have ever experienced the whole ‘it takes a village to raise a family’ and to be honest, it sucks.

I have 2 children, one with ADHD and I’m due to give birth any day now - it’s the summer holidays and my partner works for himself so he is super busy before baby arrives (this is not be complaining about my partner he is the best)

I’ve asked my ‘family’ numerous times if they are able to come up and help me with the kids, it’s literally £30 on a train and they would stay with us, I’d feed them literally everything and it’s been a constant no for another reason or another, my partners family are a little more supportive but still not helpful, again I’ve asked and asked for help and it’s always some excuse. All the ‘mum friends’ on the school run have been surprisingly absent since the holidays started, they all offered to help with the boys during the holidays, invite us to days out etc and nothing, all I’ve had is messages asking if ‘the baby has arrived yet?!’ And I know full well that’s all they care about. I have absolutely no childcare for when I go into labour because I feel like I cannot rely on anyone.

im just sick and tired of people pretending to care when they clearly don’t, and I’m waiting for them all to be begging to meet the baby when they arrive all of a sudden.

im not asking for advice, i just needed to rant and to know if im alone in this? Because I feel very alone

I know the feeling OP. Honestly, just ignore all the fucking nosy messages , just mute them or ignore. You really start to see who you can rely on. Also don't pander to anyone when the baby is here - they didn't help before so they can wait afterwards until you're ready for (short term) visitors.

I have a very limited "village". It's hard, especially when friends tell me about their lovely date nights and I haven't had a nice evening out with DH in who knows how long!

My parents still have full-time jobs, so I don't think it's fair for me to expect them to do a load of childcare too. At their age, just a day of work is tiring enough, and they need their days off to recover their energy really. Could that be the case for your family?

Hope everything goes well with the new baby. 💐

Yeah it is tough, sorry you’re going through the same. No sadly it’s not the case, my mum doesn’t have a job therefore she quite literally has no excuse, and I haven’t had contact with my dad since I was a young child and that’s everyone😂 my mum also isn’t retired just pure laziness (she’s in her 40’s)

Most people don't have a "village", I always found it better to create my own by trying to find local mum friends. If you have ADHD in your family as well, unless your family is fortunate enough to have the buffer of a lot of money, it tends to create a bit of a splintered family tree, whether that's from people being quick to fall out with each other or general dysfunctional/chaotic behaviour leading to fragile relationships and apparently with ADHD there's a higher chance of being in an abusive relationship which also doesn't help.

A lot of people with ADHD (myself included) struggle with forward planning and time awareness so it might be that they have lovely intentions but don't actually know how to make things happen or just sort of wait for them to happen around them. I didn't notice I was doing this until I was in my mid 30s - I have a tendency to announce an idea/plan to someone (e.g. DH) and then wait for him to carry it out. If he doesn't, I usually forget about it or remember it ages later and think oh yeah, I wanted to do that.

I understand what you mean and where you are coming from - but ADHD does not run in my family, therefore that is not the case in my situation sadly.

It normally does, unless your child is adopted I would strongly assume that there is undiagnosed ADHD somewhere along the line, unless you think it's from her dad.

I think I would know seeing as he is my child. I never once stated that the ADHD comes from my family, I simply said that my son has it. Please don’t make assumptions. I get that you have ADHD and it might of touched a nerve that I’ve had a moan about my family being lazy and you’ve instantly assumed that they’ve got ADHD and that’s the reason for their excuses.

No village here, ds2 was born while ds1 was in day nursery and dh went to pick him up, they’re 9 and 5 now and our childminder is worth her weight in gold - she is an extension of our little family: we’ve had 1 child free evening out this year using a paid babysitter. School holidays are a mix of clubs and each of our annual leaves, we only have 1 week off together.

we actually would have loved a 3rd child but due to the lack of help we decided to stick at 2, we both work ft and it’s hard enough balancing everything now. It’s also why we chose a bigger age gap, so I had 9 months mat leave as ds1 started school.

I think 'a village' is like 'the rainbow bridge'. A nice idea, a fairy tale.
I don't know anyone who had a village, or parents on tap to take care of their kids.
I don't know anyone who expected it either.

I feel like this thread has attracted the completely wrong audience, which is strange because I’m sure this was a forum for mums.

I was simply seeking out any like minded mums so I simply didn’t feel alone - but that clearly hasn’t worked. Never mind and thanks anyway😂

But OP may have said they didn’t have a village but perhaps they weren’t affected by it. I knew there was no village built in for me (foreigner, PIL live four hours away etc).

So I didn’t stay in a lonely place nor did I ever feel sorry for myself. Many many people don’t have a village but that doesn’t make them feel the same as you. Yeah being home with kids all day can be lonely - so then get out! Playgroups, activities, days out etc.

My husband worked abroad every week (clearly before covid!) and I just cracked on.

I am the original poster

i think it's quite shocking and awful your parents haven't offered a little bit of help, at least.

?

I think for most people the village concept is broadened out and defined into professions now so the village is something we pay for/outsource rather than people we know personally. I realised I've never met a lot of my child's "village" or support network. It's something I worried about when pregnant as I don't have any friends or family support. Then as my kids went through school and strangers said Hi to them when we were out, "oh I'm the dinner lady", "I listen to them read on Fridays", "that's the lady who comes into holiday club to teach art", "that's so and so's parents", then there's the dentist, childminder, teachers and school support staff, after school club, bus driver, speech therapist, etc., as your child grows more and more people help them and support them. You may have to pay some of ẞthem to do that, music teachers, swimming instructors, sports camps, scout leaders, and maybe medical/hospital care and support as needed. They may not be family but they still 'raise' your child to adulthood in the 'it takes a village' sense because without all these people doing these jobs the children wouldn't thrive, parents can't do everything. I don't think it ever meant that everyone chips in to babysit but that everyone in the village plays a role in raising the towns children in some way, a parent can't do all the professions. You're not expected to gather all these people around you, but it sort of develops naturally and unavoidably as your children grow and their life brings them into contact with the people around them.

I know many families who definitely have a village and "parents on tap for childcare". My ex-in-laws for one. 🤷‍♀️

I remember the health visitor giving me feeding advice for my newborn twins (also had a toddler). I said I couldn’t figure out how to tandem feed and she said get comfy with twin one in position then get someone to pass twin two… she didn’t understand that I didn’t have anyone to do that every 3 hours when they needed feeding. Dh worked an hour away often gone 7am-7pm and toddler was not a suitable option. Health visitor was stumped as most families are visited with multiples had family popping in. My parents ran a business more than an hour away and my brother is in Canada. I didn’t bother asking for further advice.

I am a mum. This is how we managed without a 'village.'

1. Local wonderful childminder.
2. Baby sitting circle when dcs were school age, only 3 of us in it but it did mean a couple of nights a year each of babysitting.
3. Later, when childminder's own daughter was old enough she did a little baby sitting.
4. Council run day 'camps' during school holidays for sports and drama.
5. Changing expectations. For example, when my last baby was born it was just me and the midwife, DH at home with family. This was perfectly doable.

Grandparents were never an option. They saw dcs for 'fun' events- when they wanted to. They were loving and kind and bought nice birthday presents etc. They had an excellent relationship with all their grandchildren, ours and their cousins.

Ime the couple of weeks before birth were the worst for my state of mind. I remember feeling bone deep exhaustion and I was just thoroughly overwhelmed by life. Once I’d given birth, I was back in the saddle, so to speak, and just cracking on.

What you’re describing sounds so normal to me - everyone with great intentions to meet up over the summer, and it never comes to anything. Family that are focused on their own things, and no one you can really lean on. It’s not easy, but I honestly think it’s more normal now than not.

You can’t magic up a village you don’t have - and sadly once you throw sn in the mix, even the potentially helpful ones vanish. But what you can do is maximise the resources you have available. Try and focus on what is possible because resentment will wear out what little energy you have.

We also didn’t have a village and it can be tough. I think it’s a bit unfair on your parent friends though. The summer holidays are busy for most, juggling work, childcare and visiting family etc. Your friends may have had good intentions but often it’s hard to fit it all in.

I don't have any family nearby. I mean they live hours away, so they cannot be called on for childcare except maybe for a special occasion. My partner and I expect to be looking after the baby ourselves when it comes. So yes, like you, there's currently no one I trust for childcare who is regularly available.

I would cross the world to be present at the birth of my grandchild. It's such a hard time.

We have nobody at all. I have no family and dh has a few family members but due to circumstances they can’t help us at all. Both ds have health needs and SEN so we’ve both had to give up work as have no help or support

I didn’t have a village either. My immediate family live abroad and the in laws weren’t that interested. My friends work full time and/or had kids of their own. My DH was in hospital when my eldest was a few weeks old and I had to ask one of his colleague’s wife to mind him for a couple hours I was desperate.
But I did have a cleaner which helped, and I used the nursery staff as babysitters on occasion. When my father passed away the kids came to the funeral but the nursery was good enough to take my son during the reception (he had aged out at 5) along with my DD.

My sister’s DD is profoundly autistic and the only way she’s managed is to have live in au pairs.