Husband doesn't want any action...

[Georgia324]

I'm 36 weeks and I've had a high drive from around 14 weeks when my morning sickness subsided. My husband and I have always had a big gap in libido with him being very tired from his high pressure job and stressed a lot of the time. We have DTD a few times while I've been pregnant but mostly I've had to self service (daily ), including when in bed with him asleep next to me. I've asked if he wants to be woken and it's a big no! I've asked if he's turned off by my pregnant body but he says it's not that, he's just exhausted & apparently I always pick the wrong time to ask (it is true that bedtime is usually a no-no for him but we have a young son who always starts the day for us so morning is out)

I'm worried things will continue like this postpartum and I've found myself feeling quite lonely and rejected even though I do have to trust it's not me, it's him. As I say it's always been an issue for us. I'm usually slim, look after myself, and consider myself to be relatively alright looking with a good body so I don't think it's that... even in pregnancy I've just got a big bump not like I've become huge everywhere..

I guess I'm looking for ideas of what to do. One of my best mates is pregnant at the same time and they are having loads!
We have had therapy in the past & when our rship is better (which I would say it's good now) usually the intimacy follows. Maybe I'm just an evil preggo lady.

Rant / ramble sorry!!!!

31 weeks and right there with you, although for my husband it's an ongoing issue related to too much drinking, relationship problems and guilt/anxiety rather than a stressful job. Everything is a lot better now in the relationship and he's really cut back on the alcohol. He told me around 20 weeks he's not attracted to my pregnant body but I honestly don't know if that's true or just another excuse.
I know it's a him issue but that doesn't make me feel any less lonely. It's horrible feeling like I have no control over the situation. I have no idea what to do.
I've been trying to focus on non-sexual physical intimacy but it's hard. Sometimes it just makes me really sad.
Sorry I don't have any help to offer but if I think of anything I'll let you know!

I'm really sorry to hear you're in the same boat it's really hard, isn't it. I've found myself almost wanting to discover a porn addiction or an affair to explain it all - even though obviously I don't want that to actually happen. I grew up with parents who were pretty sexual (including extra maritally - so not a good thing ...) but my norm is so far from what we experience in our rship.

How are you finding the non sexual intimacy? Sorry if tmi but would he respond to you initiating oral rather than all out? My husband just tells me to stop and bats me away. I know I'm grateful not to feel like a piece of meat if it was totally the other way as I have done in other rships but gawd it's hard!

Maybe we can try a few things and compare notes!! I've suggested outfits... or any thing he is interested in... but he diverts to another topic...

It's so hard.
Don't worry, not tmi, just awkward to write about!
Non-sexual intimacy is mostly holding hands and cuddling tbh. I still try to kiss him in a sensual way sometimes but he doesn't really reciprocate.
He has responded to hands/oral sometimes in the past and it's been nice but a lot of the time he just wouldn't be interested. So I kind of stopped trying after a while.
I think some of the disinterest was probably because I have so much hurt and negative feelings around the subject I really struggle to initiate anything in a way that would be appealing at the best of times.
I've wondered if it has to do with porn but if it is then I think any way I brought it up would probably only make things worse.
I've been pretty sexual in past relationships too so I'm totally with you on it just being so far from my normal. I had no idea this would be an issue until around five years ago and it's just got worse and worse. Before we got married I thought he had a higher libido than me. I remember thinking I was really glad of that because I prefer that the other person initiates most of the time - not always but maybe 80/20 would be ideal. The irony!

I get it, it's really hard to initiate in a non defensive way when you fear rejection - and that's probably not very attractive to my husband? The thing is when we do it, it's really good, and he enjoys it. Waiting for someone to swoop in and tell us how to save our sex lives - anytime now!!

Have you got kids? Do you know when things started to change why that was? It sounds like the alcohol situation is improving which is great - maybe once the babies are here and we get our bodies back or a semblance of, things will improve... did you discuss in therapy? I would totally love to do some kind of tantric counselling!

Tantric counselling sounds like a good idea 😁 just watch out you don't accidentally join a cult!
We have a three year old. I put on a bit too much weight and took a while to lose it after she was born but I don't think that's the problem. Obviously lack of free time doesn't help but again I don't think that's the problem.
It started after he left the military and we moved back to his hometown. Being back here he started acting like he was a teenager again, drinking to much and smoking weed (thankfully completely stopped that some time ago) and playing video games all night. There was definitely a negative spiral where he'd feel bad about himself and feeling bad made him want to drink and switch off in general.
I feel like now his mental health is a lot better but because it's been so long maybe he's just stopped seeing me in a sexual way. How do you get that back?
It's really good that you both enjoy when you do get together. It's probably one of those things where you just need to build up the positive experiences until they outweigh the bad.
Does your son still have daytime naps? That could be a good time, although obviously could get cut short! Or maybe plan ahead to set an early alarm one day if the week?
There's a podcast called 28ish days later about the menstrual cycle and women's health generally. One of the episodes was about male Vs female hormone cycles and variability. Apparently men have the same magnitude of hormone cycle driven brain changes as we do but their cycle is daily instead of over a few weeks. So their morning Vs nighttime might feel similar to our few days pre-ovulation Vs pre-menstrual.

Oh wow that's so interesting! I'm more empathetic to his evening asexuality now, lol!
Sorry you had to go through that as a couple, it sounds really hard. I'm glad things are a lot better - and to be in the place to want another child after problems is great too. You sound very wise & I think we will both sort this out once we are on the other side.. in due course! Outfits seem the way to his... erm.. you know what I mean. Do you go out for date nights - maybe that would also help to dress up and put some heels on & seem different to the mum of his kids doing the daily chores etc. I do understand that daily life takes the shine off of us & of them. TTC this baby was only one month & in a way maybe it could have been longer for our benefit!!

Sadly no naps for my 4.5yo but he does drama classes Saturday mornings which I've tried to make "our time" as it's drop & go... they start back in Sept... but wish it wasn't always me requesting!!!!

I keep thinking you said you have to self service whilst he is asleep next to you. If this was a man everyone would be saying how disgusting this is and ltb.

We don't have date nights but you're right we should do that. Tbh I've never really dressed up or worn makeup ever but then I used to be in much better shape and obviously younger. I'm not massively out of shape now but definitely "average" and have been particularly lazy with clothes over the last year or two.
Maybe we could try going to the gym together. He's gotten really into it recently and honestly everything feels better when you've been working out.
We'll get there! It would be nice to have one of those marriages where you both wake up feeling lucky every day but most of us have ups and downs. My brother says to think about the kind of person you/he could be at 50 or 60 if you stay together and work through it vs the people you'll be if you give up and separate (obviously haven't discussed this particular topic with him!). I think that's good advice. It's hard, but I add far as I can see we are both better for making our life together.

Why don't you go ahead and stop thinking about it then? How ridiculously judgemental!

For sure, v good advice & I think trying the gym together is a great idea (though all in due course - we must not set ourselves up for failure with newborns on the way!)
Mindset is everthing and I think we should congratulate ourselves and each other for being positive. Thank you for your support tonight!

To the other person - there is nothing wrong with masturbating & I made it clear that I have tried to DTD with my husband. He doesn't have any issue with me doing what I do - perhaps it would be different if he did but he does not.

So there!

I’m not judging I’m talking about double standards.

Sorry I wasn’t judging you and I apologise if it sounded that way. Gosh I’m no stranger to a bit of diy myself. I was just on about the double standards on here. That said I couldn’t masturbate with my husband next to me asleep. Each to their own.

Thanks for posting. I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking about it with and it's such an emotional topic. Feeling a bit better now tbh.
If you'd ever like to chat, please feel free to send me PM x

There was actually a post a few months ago and the DH was wanking at the side of his wife, the comments were all for her leaving him and how disgusting he was for not going to the bathroom away from his sleeping wife!!

OP have you thought it could be because there is a human inside you? We stopped having sex about 33 weeks because my DH felt weird about the baby being there

@Coconutter24 I have asked about this as it would make sense! He says not... ofc I would completely understand and respect that view. I more just want some kind of reason to understand it - that isn't just low sex drive unrelated to the pregnancy - and that's okay, it's just harder to tackle / have an end point I guess. Also pls don't think I'm some kind of sex maniac! 😅
It would be nice to have the intimacy and much preferable to my current alternative; but let's see where we get to when the pregnancy barriers are removed!

Totally get it re double standards - I saw an ad on Facebook for a Guardian article which was similar tonight - which inspired me to come on here. I have to say, less now than earlier on in pg ie 2nd and early 3rd tri, I have more empathy with sex crazed menfolk!!

Thank you both for getting where I was coming from. @Georgia324 really didn’t mean to offend. The issue we have is a nocturnal 12 year old. We sleep in different rooms due to snoring etc and the other night we were both desperate for sex. My husband actually said you will have to use your toy tonight 😆. Maybe it’s me but I felt weird even using it in a other room lol