7 weeks pregnant and feeling like a horrible person

[minimonstera]

I am 7 weeks pregnant today, and feeling awful because I’m so sad and angry. I really want this baby, I have had two miscarriages, one mmc last year and one chemical in January of this year, so I was elated to get the BFP last month. But it was short lived. I’ve been terrified ever since. I have an early scan coming up in a couple of days, due to having recurrent miscarriages, so that is good, but I’ve been very unwell, extremely nauseous. I feel very lonely, and I feel so guilty for feeling so low and sorry for myself when this is what I desperately want. I am beating myself up for feeling negative, and terrified I’ll have another mmc. I’ve also been horrible to my partner, I really screamed at him today and now I feel guilty. I’m so scared. Is this just hormones? Or the fact that I’m terrified about losing another baby? Or the fact I’ve been so ill for weeks, and, as I WFH, I’ve not had any contact with anyone. I’m usually very active and enjoy roller skating and going to the gym, but I’ve not been doing any of that, so I’m feeling incredibly unfit. I’ve been cooped up in my flat. When I have gone out, I’ve regretted it because I’ve had waves of terrible nausea. Does anyone have a similar experience and have any advice about how to get out of this negative feeling? I just feel like a terrible person right now.

A few things there, you have good reason to be anxious with your experiences, that must have been so incredibly hard. Its natural to be scared, I had a much wanted ivf pregnancy and had moments if omg help.

Did your partner justify you feeling irritated? Like you were disagreeing or something? Obviously don't condone screaming at someone but what was the context? You're a team even more now and important to talk with him by the sounds of it, let him know how you're feeling and try hard not to lose your temper in future.

Have you booked your booking in appointment? Talking to the midwife about how you're feeling may help. You say you've been ill, pregnancy nausea or something else?

Isolated feelings are the devil, do try and get out if you can, I used to get nauseous on first going out in the morning and then it would eventually pass.

Not exercising when your body is used to it also lowers the mood alot, I stopped for ivf and missed running, it's also how I used to boost my mood after a crappy day so hopefully you could find a lighter exercise that helps? Walking on the treadmill at the gym to get out the house eg or swimming?

The main thing to remember is not to catastrophise, yes you screamed at your partner today but you don't need to do it again. Wishing you well with your pregnancy ❤️

Hello. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It’s really helped. My partner and I had had an argument the night before, which was admittedly my fault, then today I think we were both a bit hot and irritated and I totally lost it at him then ended up sobbing uncontrollably. I feel so awful about it. It does just feel like it’s come from nowhere, I totally picked the fight the other night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I think you’re right about the exercise part, I should really try and push myself to get up and out and at least do some mild exercise. I have been feeling unwell with morning sickness, and it’s given me a bit of a fear of going out because sometimes I get overwhelmed with dizziness and nausea and want to go home. But I have to do something because clearly it’s not healthy to stay at home all day then end up yelling at my partner. I feel like a shitty person. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond- because of previous losses, I haven’t told people close to me yet, and I think that may be contributing to me feeling alone, because I’ve not been going to events to avoid explaining why I’m not drinking or why I have to leave early. Thanks again, I really really appreciate it. ❤️

@minimonstera ah so hard when you're keeping a secret too! I also did tell any family and hardly any friends that I was pregnant as didn't want to disappoint anyone or deal with anyone if something happened as we did IVF secretly too! Looking back I think it'd have helped me to tell more people, but I'm definitely glad I told my line manager for one who gave me two weeks off (off the books too bless him!) when I had a a small bleed (turned out to be nothing but of course absolutely worried) and a few very close friends who I knew would be great if anything happened. Having that someone to vent to and swap symptoms was so handy. Does your work know yet? Might help to take some time off til your first scan?

It's textbook at times to lash at at those closest when feeling stressed, he's probably also feeling worried but handling it differently as the person not pregnant, doesn't help being hot and bothered either! Definitely talk it through, work out a plan together and coping mechanisms.

I used to feel dreadful in the morning but had to leave for work as my job was physical and couldn't be done from home, used to have to run back from bus stop to be sick sometimes! So know the feeling of nausea in public, stale cigarette smell used to trigger mine and so I'd be sat on the bus to work having to breath deeply and try to avoid being sick while listening to white noise in my headphones just to keep the bile from rising! It did pass thankfully in second trimester, a phrase you'll hear alot is this too shall pass and its so true!

Don't beat yourself up too much though, a good night's sleep and a fresh start is best, leave a rubbish day in the dust :)

Omg, I can’t imagine having to go in to do a physical job feeling like this. It’s been hard enough logging into my computer at home. You deffo have my respect! And, it’s the smell of cigarettes that does it for me too 🤢 and all perfume smells really strong to me now and instantly makes me gag lol. I haven’t told my work as I’m a freelancer, and I just finished one project and I’m starting a new one next week- as I’m a freelancer, we only have a certain amount of time to get the project done so taking time off is not really an option unfortunately, but if I’m really sick I’ll just have to take a sick day. I’m feeling much better today, turns out my partner wasn’t even bothered and has been supportive. I also told my best friend and had a good cry, so I’m not feeling so alone now. Thank you so much for your advice and time 😊

I just wanted to add pregnancy after loss is HARD - I’m currently 18wks after a MMC followed by stillborn twins, and my first trimester was awful. Between the morning sickness (that doesn’t give any comfort post-MMC) and the overwhelming guilt and worry that we were just heading for more heartache, all I wanted to do was hunker down and feel
sorry for myself.

What you’re doing is brave and difficult, be kind to yourself xx

Just to add, its ok to want a pregnancy and desperately love your baby but hate being pregnant. Its a huge drain on your body physically and mentally and its hard. This doesnt mean you are being unreasonable or love your baby any less.

Talk to your midwife or GP about anti emetics, get out for a walk in the evening when its cool, be open and honest with your partner and give yourself some grace.

So you are absolutely not alone in how you feel. I've had 4 missed miscarriages. With pregnancy number 5 I told no one, including my other half, for around 3 weeks.
In summary:

• yes, you are absolutely dealing with hormone changes which may be heavily impacting your mood and ability to cope with various situations
• it's totally normal to be anxious in pregnancy after loss
• you have nothing to feel bad about. First trimester is always awful for me, I hate how it makes me feel, but that doesn't mean I'm any less grateful to be pregnant
• I'm also super active and my mental health definitely got worse when I wasn't able to go to the gym. I had about 6 weeks where it took everything I had just to get to the corner shop! Don't force yourself to do anything beyond what you're currently capable of. It will be temporary and you will get back to exercise/feel better at some point.

In summary - you sound exactly how I feel in first trimesters. I'm now 19 weeks, still anxious every day about something going wrong, but being back to exercise has helped. Still having plenty of hormonal meltdowns too! Please don't feel guilty, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. All you can do is take one day at a time.

It’s never justified to scream at your partner

I agree, that's why I said I don't condone screaming at someone, but I just wanted to know context as she was asking if it was hormonal, so if it was for literally nothing or if they were arguing to provide some more context to try to reply adequately.

Oh Geriatrixia, I’m so sorry to read you went through all of that. That’s so hard. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for your kind words and congrats on your current pregnancy. ❤️