Advice please! Announcing pregnancy to my best friend

[Harbourmoon]

Hi all,

I just recently found out I am pregnant. I've been TTC for about 8 months, so this is very exciting news for me. I was feeling very low on cycle 7 feeling it wouldn't happen.

My best friend and colleague told me around then that she was pregnant, I was really happy for her as we had spoken about having babies at the same time before, but she wasn't actively trying and it was a bit of a surprise for her. The pregnancy really confirmed for her that's what she wanted in life. Unfortunately though she miscarried at about 6 weeks. I'm really conscious of what a hard time it's been for her.

Now I'm unsure of when I announce to her, ordinarily, she's the first person I would have told. But I have wanted to give her some time, she's just started to seem more positive. It's been nearly a week since I found out, when do I tell her?

Does she know you're been actively trying for 8 months?
If yes, then I'd shoot her a message to say your pregnant, you've been really wanting to tell her, but understand that she's also grieving her loss and that you don't want to upset her more - she can tale all the time she needs to be ready to talk with you about your pregnancy.
Then go about your regular friendship
If she's not aware of your ttc journey, I'd personally being keeping my trap shut for another fee weeks and then basically doing the same thing with a message further on down the line.
Hope that helps!

The above above is lovely, but do it quickly or someone else will tell her. Congratulations!

Firstly I would wait until I had my 12 week scan. Then I would text her the news, so that she can read it in her own time and be privately upset if she needs to be.

Thanks for everyone's input @Echomama @netflixfan @TimetoGetUpNow , at the core of it I'm really getting that it's better to send her a text to allow her space to process the news herself.

For more context for everyone, yes she knows I was TTC and we did talk about how hopeless I was feeling and she was so kind and supportive.

She had her mmc about 4 weeks ago, and I'm about 4 weeks along. We work together and she's taken time off as it was all such a long process. I'm wondering if I should tell her before she returns to work so she has more space to process ( which would be next week ) naturally if this hadn't happened I would have rang her the day I found out.

I don't think I would wait until 12 weeks to tell her (although I am for the majority of people I know). If I held off that long I think she would also feel sad that I didn't share the news in a way

Firstly huge congratulations! Hope everything is smooth sailing for you over the next few months. Also I’m glad there are people like you out there who are giving consideration to how their happy news might impact on others on their own, different, TTC journey. Coming at this from the receiving end of this news (as someone who has had a MC) be prepared that it may bring up very mixed feelings for her.

Hopefully she’ll be very happy for you because she’ll have some empathy around how even a “normal” TTC experience can be wearing and demoralising.

At the same time, your growing bump may be a painful reminder of what she’s lost, and it may be that some distance, even temporary, is what she needs to cope. Happily I’m pregnant again now but for the first few months after my MC I couldn’t go very close to any pregnant friends at all, and could hardly bear to look at their newborns until my BFP. So she may be doing a bit of emotional cushioning to protect herself, it might not be anything personal.

Good luck! And hope the pregnancy goes ok, you deserve it x

@DogSprogsnOddBods yeah, I would understand if she needs space from me for a while completely. Honestly when she told me she was pregnant even though I was really happy for her, it did bring up so much sadness in me on my TTC journey. (I was also ruling out possible PCOS at the time and just feeling very under water with it all). So would get that she needs space. Do you think I should wait a couple more weeks to tell her? I feel like she's only started to feel better recently and I don't want to rock her, but maybe wonder if it's better she gets the new when she doesn't have work to contend with.

congratulations on your pregnancy btw, that's great news. How far along are you?

That sounds tough having to navigate a possible PCOS diagnosis too, poor you. The timing you tell her I guess will depend on whether as another poster alluded to, if there’s anyone else to who knows that might spill the beans before you get a chance, if not it might be worth waiting till she’s recovered a bit more. That said, even weeks after any tiny thing can floor you following MC, but at the same time she might take it in her stride. You’ll be the best person to judge here. If her job is busy/stressful she might not have a lot of space to give it much mind, again without knowing how she deals with surprises and stress it’s difficult to say. Whatever you choose to do I hope it works out ok for both of you.

After another 6 months of trying following MMC last Nov I only found out last week! And finding it very hard to get excited but hopefully it will come.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I don’t think there’s ever going to be a “perfect” time for this kind of news, but if you can, I’d give her a little more time. Four weeks after a MMC she may still be recovering physically (bleeding, waiting for her first period to return, etc.), and that milestone can sometimes help with looking forward again and holding on to hope about trying in the future. These situations are so complicated emotionally, and it will likely feel difficult for both of you to navigate. Wishing you all the best as you handle this gently.

100% agree with this

I am part of a group of close friends - a few of whom have experienced infertility. When I conceived I messaged them separately rather than putting it in a group chat. And I made the message factual, along the lines of 'I've got some news, it's still early days but I'm 12 weeks pregnant - if things go ok, baby will be due in January'. Rather than 'I'm having a baby woo-hoo!' etc. A couple later told me that they really appreciated me telling them privately by text.

I think a lot of people really overthink this. But I don’t necessarily think you should tell her so soon, if you’ve only just found out yourself, unless you’d appreciate the handhold from her in these early weeks. Also, the idea of a thoughtfully written individual text or WhatsApp is a good one.

But as someone who spent 3 years TTC my current pregnancy, with the three years bookended by early MCs, baby news is inevitable and impossible to avoid. Avoiding telling your friend probably won’t mean she won’t have to navigate someone else’s pregnancy announcement. As long as you do it thoughtfully and tactfully, she’ll understand and be delighted for you. Whilst I was on my current journey I had two colleagues announce their pregnancies, go off on maternity leave and return before my current pregnancy happened. I also had to cope with my best friend discovering that she was pregnant around the anniversary of my MCs due date, but deciding she couldn’t continue with it. It felt that fate was having cheap laughs with us both, but it was really important for me to be there to support her and be a sounding board for her.

Your friend will be ok, but you’re a great friend for thinking of her.