6 weeks PP, my newborn and how to split responsibilities

[Pinkpetals895]

Hi all,
my DP and I have a 6 week old new born
we split the night shift so he takes 9/10-2 and I take 2am onwards. My partner leaves early for work but on the odd occasion has been able to do the morning feed however the last week or so I have done it. I spend most of my time when LO is sleeping in day washing (clothes and bottles) or pumping, or just trying to wash and make myself feel a bit more fresh.

My partner is quite hands on and has been wonderful cooking dinner each night for us but often when he comes home from work (my opinion is that’s when he should take over with the baby) as much as possible so I can get a bit of a break. I’m not sure if this is a normal feeling but when I’ve had a tougher day and our LO is super fussy/will not be put down, I find myself exhausted and just need an hour to recharge and take a mental break.
My partners view is that if he is doing odd bits around the house he also too is taking things off me, but the help I need is more so a little break from our beautiful LO, as awful as that sounds.

it doesn’t help that for my DP night shift, our LO is settled. But I think due to gas from around 3am LO gassy unsettled and doesn’t sleep very much which means I’m up most of my shift trying to comfort him.

My partner has on occasions pops to the shops after work, has been able to get to a couple of gym sessions or do things he needs to (baby free) whereas I don’t think I’ve had any real time to myself since he was born. I don’t quite think my partner understands how tough it is with a newborn 24/7 as even when he was off on paternity we were together. Do I sound insane? I’m not sure if it’s my hormones making me feel overwhelmed but I feel like I need more support on his end, this is not taking away from a lot of the things he does already.

You’re not insane but it does sound like your DP is doing his fair share. When he comes home from work why don’t you take it in turns to cook dinner? If the weather is nice then maybe sometimes he could take baby out for a walk while you jump in the shower and prepare dinner. It does sound like you’re getting a decent rest though if you’re getting 9-2 every night undisturbed, my youngest is 18 months and I still don’t get that!

I did all the night feeds as soon as DH went back to work. He would get up early sat/sundays with the baby so I could sleep instead

He sounds like he’s doing his fair share, IMO. Agree with splitting dinners/baby care after work. Also, make dinners easy. There’s no badge for cooking amazing food with a newborn.

I’d be worried he isn’t bonding with the baby if he’s only watching the baby sleep.

Instead of opening the topic as a split in responsibilities with a newborn, as it sounds like he is pulling his weight as much as you are imho, I would broach it as concern he is getting zero awake and bonding time with the baby. It would do him good to take the baby when he comes home and play or hold them and walk them about the garden or the house/flat showing them things and generally chatting to them while you take a break for an hour before starting on dinner.

My brother has a 1yr old and when he gets home from work, he takes the baby down for a walk in the closest park (they live in a high rise flat). He used to carry him, then it was a push chair, then it was one of those rolling frames that babies can learn to walk in, now he holds his hand. He then goes home, they take turns making dinner, they all eat together, then they take turns for the bedtime routine and then my SIL relaxes or goes out to the gym while my brother does a couple hours of work from his home office. He goes to the gym over his lunch break. They both ensure they have days to go out with friends on the odd weekend. A few times over this past year, grandma flies down for a weeks visit and they both get a break and go out together.

For both of you, start taking baby with you to do odds and ends about the house and to run errands. I used to let them crawl and play on the kitchen floor while I did the washing up. You can also get a play pen and set them there while you clean the living room…put in music and dance, make silly faces from time to time and pretty soon they will be laughing along,…

Sounds like hes doing his fair share already to be honest.

It sounds like he really wants to support you and that is great but it's perfectly ok to say thank you for what you are doing and I really appreciate but what might be more helpful is if you do ... Instead.

I got completely and utterly touched out with my daughter - velcro high needs baby- and by the time my partner finished work I was ready to claw the skin from my arms just to have 10 minutes not touching another human! Pretty much the first thing that happened when he finished work was baby was handed to him and I made him a cuppa. She didn't settle for him very well so usually she was handed back to me whilst he did dinner.

I'd suggest that maybe you alternate making dinner so that you get that time being you and not tied to baby regularly. I tried to go for a bath every weekend and dad took baby. This was bliss as whilst I was available in case she was particularly unhappy but my arms weren't readily available and I got to reset my nervous system!

We didn't split nights, but every day he had off he took our daughter in the morning so I could get some better quality sleep.... This still happens now and she's 5! She's only recently started sleep through reliably but I'm now 33 weeks pregnant so still getting disturbed overnight sleep!

Second the taking turns on dinner, or you doing dinner. When my husband came home from work he would take the baby and I would prepare dinner. To make it feel like me time, I’d usually pop headphones in and listen to a podcast or music as I cooked.

I spend most of my time when LO is sleeping in day washing (clothes and bottles) or pumping, or just trying to wash and make myself feel a bit more fresh.

I know it is hard some days but you can do this whilst LO is awake, it means when they are asleep you have “you time” and can catch a break. Take baby into bathroom in bouncer whilst you’re in shower have a quick few min freshen up. Wash bottles whilst they are doing tummy time or laying on a mat.

I know it is still early days but you can absolutely get a break in at some points especially when DH is at home in the evenings or weekends. Can you pop out of the house every Thursday for 2 hours for example? Pop to a friends house, go for a walk, do a hobby.

I know people are saying he is doing his fare share but I think what you’re trying to get at is you’re doing all of the parenting throughout the day and when DH is home at work and just need an hour to yourself.

He sounds very supportive OP. It is an urban myth that men come in from a full day's work and take the baby and then become full time parents while mum gets to check out and scroll her phone or sleep.

What do you want to do with that 'free time' you apparently aren't getting? Do you want to be able to go out and go to the gym as he does? If so, tell him. Say ok DH on Tuesday night I am going to X class, you will be fine at home with DC right?
Take turns with the cooking. Stick your headphones in and get on with it and he can be with the baby.

He’s incredibly supportive I think I’m just looking at this completely the wrong way. As a PP said it’s “me time” I think I need rather than ‘more support’ but that being said to get me time technically he is having to give me more support…

He’ll be going to the gym and a football match on Saturday so I might ask for a few hours to do some bits on Sunday.

I just find myself snapping or moaning at him at the moment it’s so unfair I know it is. For example, today I was meant to be going to a baby and mums group. I’ve not had much communication with my friends other than the one visit they made 3 weeks ago, so I feel a bit isolated and thought it would be good to make some mum friends. He was aware of it and suggested he would do the first feed to allow me time to get ready but when it came to it he forgot to relieve me before it was too late as he had wanted to do something before leaving for work. We are tired we are both forgetful at the moment I just need to extend some more grace

I spend most of my time when LO is sleeping in day washing (clothes and bottles) or pumping, or just trying to wash and make myself feel a bit more fresh.

My recommendation would be that you can try and do all of this whilst LO is awake! You can have them in a bouncer in the kitchen (or the Stokke newborn attachment to the highchair is GREAT) and also bring bouncer into the bathroom with you whilst you shower (or I just popped baby on an angel bath support on the floor) and also whilst folding washing and have them sit in front of you whilst pumping and babble at them (or I had the elvie pump which was great as could do other stuff whilst pumping - know it's expensive though). I made sure I did EVERYTHING (even eat) whilst LO was awake during mat leave (you can't do that when they start walking haha), so that when he was asleep, I either slept or sat and read a book/watched TV.

Getting a sling is also an option if baby is a bit fussy and doesn't want to be put down. Then hopefully you will feel a little bit more rested and yourself if you get a bit of me-time when baby is asleep!

It is really easy to become resentful when you see your OH still doing their hobbies and time away from being a parent when you feel you can’t.

The truth is, nip that in the bud now and your future self will be thankful. Yep, literally just tell your OH that as he had time out on Saturday you’re popping to X for a couple of hours on Sunday and he can do the parenting duties.

If you become the “I never go out but my partner always does” girlfriend then you will constantly be resenting him and pissed off. But if you also make sure you have your time out, then it’s fair :)

Make sure you both have a lay in once a week too. Saturday morning can be your lay in day, Sunday can be his

I know you are still getting used to things but you need to be able to get yourself and baby ready to go out without his help. If you are going to a class at 10am then you need to get used to being able to manage getting ready to go without him having to have the baby. Try different set ups - one of mine used to love sitting in a bouncer in front of the mirror while I got ready and she would look at her reflection in amazement. Or maybe have the radio on and dance about as you get dressed, I used to do this and I looked insane but it entertained the baby and stopped them from crying while I managed to get ready. It’s a learning curve but you get there - I’ve got 3 DC now and my best friend has just one and we’d often arrange to meet for coffee when on mat leave together and I would have got everyone ready, breakfast, done lunchboxes, kids dressed, have done the school run with all three and got to the cafe on time and she’d be running half an hour late because it was so hard getting out the house with a baby 😂 which feels mad to me now but I was the same with my first! You’ll get there.

Leave the baby in their cot while you shower. They will be safe there. Get to the groups as a priority. Do one every morning. Nap in the afternoons washing can be done in the evening.

If you need the time alone, take the same as he does on a saturday on the sunday. Do as much for you leaving for hours as he does for him leaving for hours.

I would go onto Bubble and get a newborn nanny for a couple of hours 2 mornings a week so you can go to the gym/for a run/see a friend / whatever you need to do to feel like you. It's very much worth the cash!

And / or use grandparents