Scared to tell about baby #4

[SNMama12]

I should start with my situation is in no way typical… Found out I’m pregnant over a week ago. I’m the younger of 2, my older sister has no kids and is currently trying, nothings happened so far and both her SILs are pregnant and she’ll be the last one of her friends to have a baby. She’s an amazing aunt and she’ll be an amazing mum. She’s got a good job and lives with her bfs parents whilst they house hunt, they’ll be first time buyers. I however live with our mum in her average sized 4bed home, I survived DV in my late teens/early 20s and my mum has been my rock since. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement as we share household jobs and I contribute half of all bills and then 75% of the food. I drive so I do the food shop etc and often take my mum or her dog to any appts etc. I am a carer for my eldest as they have autism. I have a long term partner of 10 years (father to my youngest 2 and current pregnancy) but will not live with him due to DV with my eldest child’s father causing me PTSD. He is well paid, provides financially for the children and is an active father. We did not plan this pregnancy, we were using natural family planning to avoid pregnancy, I was tracking ovulation and using the pull out method. It was 7 days before I ovulated and my tracker said it was safe but here we are. I’m scared to tell my family. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to upset my sister. I don’t want to be unfair on my mother. I feel like they’ll be negative. I’m 30 and have had to take a career break since 2years ago to provide care for my eldest as his needs increased due to school issues and he only attends part time. I am currently doing online training courses to keep me busy and fill in gaps on my cv for when I can return to work.
I’m so scared this will be seen as one of my fuck ups, my sister has had a relatively issue free life compared to me and I really don’t want judgement from them. My children are well loved and cared for, professionals we work with for my son, the schools always say so and I’m always commended on how great of a job I’m doing. My kids really do mean the world to me. I know this is all a bit long winded but any advice?

I think you should tell your mother sooner rather than later incase your living situation needs to change.

While it sounds like you both benefit from this set up at the moment is it really ideal to live at your mums with 4 kids? It could be time to make your own home for your little ones.

I should say my mum would also have to move if I were to move out as she would no longer be able to afford it. She’s spoken about this with the future in mind but currently doesn’t want to leave. But I do agree with you though that maybe it is time I live alone as despite her support so far she deserves her space too. Thank you for your honest opinion

Well it wasn't seven days before you ovulated was it. If you don't want more kids you need to use actual contraception.
It doesn't sound like there's space at your mum's and if your oldest needs a lot of extra care, when are the other three kids going to get the attention they need, which will only increase as they all become teenagers and need guiding. I think you need to either work hard to overcome your demons so that your kids can have a normal relationship with their dad and actually live together as you are in a relationship, or you think very hard about whether continuing this pregnancy is to be in anyone's best interests.

Yes unfortunately it seems it wasn’t but was going off the tracker and my previous ovulation tests. Definitely naive of me to think of it as foolproof. My eldest is in secondary and the support I offer is mostly emotional and social as he is high functioning. We have a strong system that works to allow us to spend time with each child and as a family. I am currently in therapy but do not wish to live with a man again regardless, I am not a believer in all societal norms such as marriage etc and do believe non conventional relationships can be healthy as discussed with my therapist. But yes I am thinking if I am to continue with the pregnancy I should move to live alone. Thank you for your honest opinion

I hope it all works out for you. It's a really tough situation to be in ❤️

I also hope it works out for you.

As a side note - I would remove your sister from the situation. Her life plan is irrelevant to yours.

Good luck.

I’m fairly sure I got pregnant 7 days before ovulation. I know it’s often said that sperm live for up to 5 days, but I have seen (well respected) sources that suggest up to a week is possible in some cases.

Natural family planning and the pull out method is not effective contraceptive as you’ve discovered and should really have known after having 3 DC. That’s beyond naive. It’s done now but whenever you do tell DSis I wouldn’t get into that detail as it’d be extra galling. It’s a shame your DP can’t live with his children and them with him given that you are together long term and at some point the trauma has to stop controlling you and your family’s lives (have you tried EMDR?). I get that you’re into non-traditional modes, but as with the contraception, there’s often good reason why the standard approach can work well. You also won’t need to be a f/t carer for DS for long by the sounds of it if he’s at secondary and high functioning. Perhaps to be positive you could see this new DC as a chance to move forward from the steps you took to escape DV and make moves towards a new set up with the father of your last 3 DC. I’m sure you’ll say no, but that’s my take anyway. And to never really on natural/non-contraception again.

Natural family planning with all the problems you are having is absolutely ridiculous. You must know it's got a huge chance of failure.
If I was living under these circumstances I personally would have an abortion and then get proper fail safe contraception. It sounds like the last thing you need is another baby.
I'd also be putting myself on the council house/flat waiting list.
I did have an abortion after my first child as a single parent and Im very glad I did. It would have ruined our lives which were hard enough already.

All fair points and yes beyond naive. Thank you for your honest opinion

It was really silly to think is was foolproof because it worked so well for years we had mistakenly began to trust it. I think maybe I am desensitised to the issues because I didn’t think of them as really being so bad, I’ve been dealing with them for so long honestly my biggest concern was my sisters feelings and having to move earlier than planned as I am already on the list for social housing and eligible for a property now but like I said it has just suited both me and my mother to have a 3G household this far. I am sorry that you were in a difficult position previously but glad you did what worked for you and your child. Thank you for your honest opinion

Yes I also read this when trying to figure out how I was pregnant this time since ovulation test was positive at 7 days after intimacy