Mum coming to stay straight after birth

[PoppyPeaches]

hi!
I just wanted to gain general thoughts over something that has been bothering me a bit. My mum lives abroad, and whilst we have a good relationship, she is a little controlling sometimes and used to getting her own way (I’m a massive people pleaser). I am currently 20 weeks so while off giving birth, but my mum has made a few comments about coming to stay for a while as soon as the baby is born (In a completely lovely way, to help me out), and about how she wants to be “on the same land mass” as me when I give birth.

Now my issue is, due to the cost of flights and things, whenever she comes it has to be for at least a week, and obviously she stays with us. I, however, do not fancy her staying with us from like 38 weeks in case I go into labour, and my husband would like that even less!

I also feel that I don’t want her to land in on us immediately after baby is born, but would perhaps prefer her to come for a week or so when baby is 2 weeks old and my husband is going badk to work.
when I’ve mentioned this briefly my mum has immediately said she couldn’t possibly wait 2 weeks to meet the baby, but her popping over for a bit like would happen if she lived near us in the UK, is not possible. It’s also not feasible for her to stay somewhere else due to cost and the fact she doesn’t drive etc (and we live pretty rurally).

anyway I’ve been left feeling like I’m being very ungrateful, and that I’ve massively hurt her feelings as she only wants to help, and I think she was expecting me to welcome her with open arms for several weeks as soon as the baby arrived.

so am I being selfish and ungrateful? Or are my feelings justified? I don’t want to upset my mum (she is widowed and I have this massive lifelong issue where I worry she’s lonely and I’ve upset her) and is generally a great person, but I just feel that I don’t want her staying with me for extended periods on her terms and not mine. I may of course feel different when baby arrives, but I just feel like I want a bit of time just the 3 of us.

thanks so much if you got this far xxx

Personally I wouldnt have anyone stay immediately after having a baby.
The first few weeks are for you and your partner to bond with the baby, find your feet and start getting into some kind of routine (not that it is easy to have a routine when theyre that young!).
While im sure it would be lovely to have someone stay, they need to be helpful, as in, help you maintain things while you can be a mum. You dont need someone there who just wants to cuddle the baby, if anything, you need someone who is useful and who gives you that time to recover and bond.

When I had my daughter the first 2 weeks were hell. Constant midwife and health visitor visits, numerous hospital admissions for high blood pressure and wound breakdown, post partum harmorrhages, a reflux baby with an undiagnosed tongue tie who struggled to feed.
It wasnt fun and I struggled hugely.
I cannot imagine how I would have felt having to also entertain a visitor during that period.

Each to their own though. Others will disagree and thats fine.
Immediately after the birth I feel should be a private time for you and your partner as a new family of 3 and nothing more.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy!

It depends what kind of dynamic you have in your relationship, can she take instruction from you and will you be comfortable giving it?

If you feel like you would like some time just the three of you then go for it. It's ok, and important, to listen to your gut instincts.

It will be a rollercoaster of a time, and as someone said you don't know what kind of birth experience you will have or how much your baby will sleep, you might be (and probably will be) exhausted.

You can ask her questions and assert your needs now to help decide.. if she comes, cqn you put her in charge of the kitchen, the shopping and the cleaning? Filling your water bottle, making tea, running the bath etc? You will have your hands full and probably want to hold the baby all the time, (it takes 6 weeks to establish breastfeeding), can you assert that as your plan now? She will have to make herself useful so you and your partner can prioritise bonding with the baby. That's the priority, not other people.

Remember this is your turn to be a mum, you will be in charge of your baby not her.

Good luck!

This isn't about her. My parents were desperate to might my babies, but I explained that due to the expense etc if they could only come once and for a limited time what would be most helpful would be to come once my partner was back at work. This also has the benefit to her of more quality time with the baby as she can hold them while you have a shower or a nap, whereas otherwise your husband would be the default pair of hands. I'd sell it to her as extra time with the baby (although you shouldn't have to, she should listen and it's totally unreasonable for her to expect to stay indefinitely).

I had a straightforward labour and my mum came to visit every day after my baby was born and it was a massive pain in the arse. I really love my mum and we get on very well, are pretty close. But I honestly wish I'd told her to fuck off.

You'll have loads of midwives and people dropping by without appointment time, especially if it's your first, you'll be sleep deprived and none of the health professionals or social visitors will want/need to see your partner. If you breastfeed that means you get small windows of around 60-90 mins between feeds to sleep, shower, eat, see the midwives/health visitor and enjoy your baby.

Unless she is doing shifts with night feeds so you can sleep, tell her you need time to adjust to newborn and can't wait for her to meet baby when you have a routine going. I have a veeeeery sensitive mother so know exactly how difficult this conversation would be - but if she's doing it to help, then she needs to actually put a shift in. If she's doing it because she wants to pretend she has a baby again, then she will have to wait.

My DH literally only had the two weeks off, too, and my mum wanting to hold the baby all the time meant that he didn't get to spend much time with baby at all. He felt like a spare part the whole time my mum was here and I feel so guilty for depriving him of that time. ☹️

My mother stayed with me while I was in labour in our home. It was a long day and night. She stayed awake with me so my partner could get a few hours sleep then we went the hospital, my mother made sure the house stayed perfect (first baby) while i stayed in hospital. I was home two days later, she was eager to see the baby but also me. I sent her home in a hormone rage (feel awful when I look back at it now) but a day later I was crying asking for her back and she stayed a week with us and seriously she was a God send and me and my partner appreciated her so much in that time of need.

I totally get the feeling of wanting it to just be use as a little family when you first come home. I was exactly the same, but in the end me and my partner (hes not the biggest fan of guests staying) both needed her.

So maybe its not such a bad idea, but its totally down to what makes you both feel comfortable. Xxx

I agree two weeks after as your dh returns to work is perfect. Does she want to help you or herself?

I wouldn’t do anything more at the moment, you’ve told her when you’d like her to come.

She’s sulking but leave her to it for a bit. If she brings it up again, say she’s welcome to come to the country when she wants and meet baby but she might need to stay elsewhere to start with as you don’t know when your going to give birth and just want some time at home alone with baby at the beginning. Alternatively she is welcome to stay with you straight away if she comes when baby is 2 weeks old.

After you’ve had a baby is a time where you should be selfish. You’ll be adjusting to new parenthood, recovering from birth, figuring out sleep and feeding. The fact that she isn’t willing to understand or take your lead on your visiting preferences isn’t a great sign that she won’t trample over your boundaries when the baby is here. If your husband only has two weeks paternity leave and she’s there during that, what are the chances that she’ll want to hold the baby all the time and push your husband out because he lives with the baby? The idea of houseguests at the end of pregnancy and just after the baby was born would be nightmarish to me. I’d figure what you and your husband want, and tell her that she can stay from the baby being X age for Y amount of time. Lots of people like to keep it just them, their baby and their partner for two weeks anyway, so it’s not like visiting for the first time at two weeks is unusual.

Thankyou everyone that’s replied to me - it’s been so helpful to read out people’s perspectives and has made me feel lots better.

My mum would definitely be really helpful I’m sure she would help with cooking/cleaning/shopping/taking the baby so I could shower etc, so I’m not too worried about her just expecting to be cuddling whilst I’m those things. It’s more just about the general dynamic between us - where she kind of expects to get her own way, and if we disagree she has this tendency to just keep going on about it until you come round to her way of thinking. For example she wanted to come visit last year when we were TTC and I was ovulating and I said it was fine but only 3/4 days as we wanted to concentrate on that (it wasn’t going well at this point and we were starting to get stressed and felt like we didn’t need her padding round at this point). She said I was being ridiculous and that she wouldn’t care we were TTC then, and just booked A week anyway! So it’s just been lots of things like that since I was a teenager that aren’t big things in themselves but just examples of how she struggles with boundaries and listening to NO sometimes.

I think when it comes up again im going to say she is welcome for a short visit (1-2 days) soon after baby is born, but then if she would like a longer trip then I would really appreciate that at 2-3 weeks and make a bit more of a deal about how much I’d appreciate it then and she’d be doing me a big favour, rather than it seeming that I’m palming her off. That’s what I’m hoping anyway!

I guess I just wanted reassurance that my feelings are valid and that I’m not just being mean and keeping her from the baby, even if she doesn’t see it like this. Surely this is the one time where my feelings trump everyone else’s?
now I just need to decide whether to wait until she brings it up again naturally and discuss it then, or bring it up now and risk a big falling out then I can stop thinking about it now! I’m not sure what’s best 🙈

It’s not ungrateful to politely decline help or visitors you’ve not asked for. Yes it would cost money for a hotel but frankly that’s not your problem. Your only concern needs to be you and your baby. Your husband’s only concern needs to be you and your baby. Uninvited guests, regardless of who, is the last thing you need.

How easy are flights to arrange? If easy and not too expensive I'd put off arranging the date until baby is here... Otherwise she could come over at 37 weeks when baby arrives at 42 weeks and then wants to stay for a week and suddenly you've had her in your house for 6 weeks .... There are very few houseguests I could tolerate for that long!

My in-laws are 4-5h drive away so usually come from 3-10 days at a time. I'm due at the end of Sept and the plan is for them to come up when baby is 5-7 days old for a few days so they get some time with baby and my partner whilst he is still on paternity leave. They will be then coming up again for a longer period a few weeks later to help me manage once my partner is back at work, especially as he has some unavoidable travel around 4 weeks after baby is due.

I'd probably suggest a hotel if she comes over for a couple of days in the first few weeks if only because it will help keep it short and sweet and then let her stay for longer once your partner is back at work.

My mum is quite unbearable and I have to be quite firm with her. I had my daughter during covid and she mentioned these grandparents turning up and staring through the window at their grandbabies to meet them and see them frequently. I was not on board with this at all but managed to turn it into a joke and say my baby isn't a zoo animal to be stared at. My dad thank goodness agreed and whenever she brought it up he said she's not a zoo animal. After a couple of times she dropped it completely!

Neither set of grandparents met my daughter until she was 3-4 weeks old and whilst it was difficult at the time it's not impacted their bonds but it did give us time to bond as a family of 3. This time around I'm not going to make them wait that long but I am going to make sure that the priority during those first 2-3 weeks is us as a family and grandparents fit in second. There will be plenty of time 3 weeks onwards when we have all settled a little for grandparent /aunts and uncles to get their cuddles and snuggles!

'No' is a full sentence OP.

I think you should continue to lay the groundwork now and try and just try and be strong, she has previous so it's important to start as you mean to go on.

You are completely valid for this. She is being quite selfish. I know that sounds harsh, but plenty of grandparents wait at least 2 weeks to meet the baby. With your specific circumstances stances she would be kinder to come later.

If I were you I’d make a big deal out of your partner returning to work at 2 weeks (how will I cope? All alone? Woe is me) and see if that gets her fire going a bit about having a “special” role in coming at 2 weeks?

Time it so she arrives at 42 weeks or even 43 weeks. Medics generally like to have babies have babies out by 42 weeks at the latest so you know the baby will actually be there. 43 weeks makes sure your husband will have had time to enjoy paternity leave without her there if that is a concern. It’s pretty likely your baby will be born between 40 and 41 weeks so that would fit your preference for 2 weeks after birth.

My parents live very far away so could only come once for a few weeks. We preferred them to come at around 2-3 months once we were more settled and getting a bit more sleep. That also meant we had more quality time with them. As much as they said they would help I knew they are not really that helpful and we would still end up hosting them (sorting out meals etc).

I would personally just tell her now and get it out if the way.
Make sure your partner is on board as well because sometimes you need a little back up, even if it is against your own family.

Just say 'I appreciate that you want to meet your grandchild, and you absolutely will, but, we would like to spend the first couple of weeks together as a family, getting to know baby and get ourselves settled. Partner get X amount of time on paternity leave so this time as a family of 3 is precious to us and we dont want to be entertaining family during this period. If you want to come over from week X for however long, thats ok, but I expect you will be coming to support me and not just to cuddle baby.
This is what we both want and we are treating all family as equal so it isnt up for discussion'.

If she kicks off as not meeting the baby immediately isnt to her liking, tough. She will get over it.
She has had her time to do this when she had kids.
Lay down your rules now and stick to it.

I can’t imagine not having wanted my mum around after I’d given birth. She came to visit me every day when I was in hospital and then every day once I got home. I was gutted that she couldn’t stay with us for the first few days but we moved when I was six months pregnant into a pretty much derelict house and we’d only managed to get our bedroom, the baby’s room, bathroom and kitchen usable before our daughter was born so there was nowhere for my mum to sleep.

Thanks all! I think I’m going to make a bigger thing about how I’d really appreciate her help when my partner goes back to work, and perhaps use that as a way to bring it up sooner rather than later - ie that I’m just checking that she can be free then as it’s really important to me etc etc.

its a really difficult one as it’s not that I don’t want to see her - it’s the staying with us for endless time that fills me with dread! She does help out around the house etc so it’s not that (and that’s always her response when I’ve said before that I didnt want her to stay for more than a week) it’s just there’s just a slight tension between us, and between my partner and her, just because of how she is with being a bit bossy and making snippy comments etc - and I just don’t want any extra stress worrying about that. If she lived 10 mins away I’d happily have her come over as much as she wanted from the start, it’s the staying for weeks at a time!

We’ve got on much much better since I don’t live at home, and it did get a bit tense when we went on a 2 week family holiday, so it’s literally about not getting a break, rather than not getting on. I hope that makes sense - I really do love my mum to bits, i just also love my own relaxed space!

You don't HAVE to have her there for a whole 2 weeks OP. At any point! Unless she's coming from Australia or something.

I know how hard it is to stand up to a bossy mother believe me. But it's best to do it/start it ? now before the baby is here and everyone's emotions are at the surface and competitive 'who knows best' games start ...

Good plan going forward in life - learn to stand your ground with your parents and don't let them walk all over you.

What would i do? Well first as soon as poss i'd begin a gradual process of discovering your dates are a bit wrong .... it seems a scan here or there has shown you're not quite as far along as you thought ..... seems you're due possibly 2 weeks later than you thought.

That might help avoid the 'coming over for the birth' bit. A surprise birth before she's travelled here!

Then she's going to want to rush over but negotiate yourself a weeks wiggle room. Maybe you and your husband want a few days with the baby alone and then she comes over for ONE week.

Youll have to be brave OP 💐 Good luck.

No my mother came to stay for 2 night after DC1 was born. It was an awful awful decision. I had just had a c section and she didn’t read the room at all. She wanted to go out and do activities. Be entertained. All I wanted to do was sit on the sofa in peace and quiet. She didn’t do any chores. Jibber jabbered every second of the day asking me where our coasters were from and how we chose our plates, pointless random chat. and I couldn’t wait for her the leave

didnt do the same for next 2 babies! She came after 2 weeks from then on