44 surprise pregnancy - don’t know what to do!!

[44needshelp]

So… as the title reads I am 44 and found out last week that I am pregnant. I think I am now 5+1.

a couple of years ago my OH said he would like us to try for one together (both have 1 each) and I came off birth control. I had slim hopes because of our ages, our weights, and my previous history (tube removed due to ectopic and 3.5 years to conceive my dd7) the last few months my perimenopause symptoms have been getting more frequent and I was on the verge of asking to have a coil fitted (had September in my head after school goes back)but hadn’t voiced this to OH and now I’m pregnant!!!
shocked isn’t even the word, even though I knew technically it was a possibility (unprotected sex and all that!)
my OH hasn’t taken it well 😳 he says his head is all over the place and doesn’t think we can handle it financially or emotionally (we’ve had a real tough 6 months for various reasons) he hasn’t directly said he wants me to have a termination but has asked what it involves at this stage and im
Feeling that would be his preference, I just don’t think I could mentally and emotionally do it 😢 but then that leaves me raising another baby alone (my XH left while I was pregnant and has nothing to do with my DD - his choice)

now I feel like I completely between a rock and a hard place, I don’t have it in me to raise another alone, especially since my DM helped a lot last time and her age and health are an issue, but I also know I won’t handle ending it!

i have spoke to a couple of close friends all of whom have said “f*!%” and that it’s their worse fear at this point and one that is supportive but hasn’t got any children so perhaps doesn’t fully get the load…

I really don’t know what to do, my heart is breaking

Has he had long to process? It would be quite a shock so no point taking reactions until the shock wears off. I don't think it sounds like a nightmare if you're both on board so that's the biggest question really.

I think your DP is being a bit unfair when he’s willingly had unprotected sex with you for years…

Take time to process and discuss, don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable doing.

I found out Thursday night, he was out so I told him Friday night so not that long but also feels like forever ago if that makes any sense

Thank you, I kind of feel like he was the one that prompted me coming off bc and not once has mentioned me going back on so thank you for validating my feelings on this side of things… 😢

Your DP needs to be supportive. Hes put you in a very difficult situation.
I hope you are doing ok, just give yourself time to breathe and do what's best for you.

Your partner really needs to step up now. You were in agreement to come off of birth control in the first place. If he then changed his mind and definitely didn’t want a baby he should have used protection. Did he not discuss this with you after you had stopped trying to conceive?
I feel for you op, hope you are ok.

No he’s literally never mentioned that maybe we’ve given it enough time and to stop, he was fully aware that we were completely unprotected 😢 I’ve even sent him a couple of funny reels and things about vesectomies. it was only me (or so I thought) that was thinking about the coil purely for peri-menopause help initially but also cos I was heading to the point of feeling too old to start again 😢

Thank you 🙏

Firstly, congratulations!
If he didn’t want to have another baby, knowing that you weren’t on bc, he should have got himself wrapped up or gone and had the snip.
This baby was wanted at the point you came off bc.
Yes it’s a surprise. But I would say it’s one of the best surprises ever. You’ve got this!
So, do not let his sway you. Any decision you make, you should want! At the end of the day it is your body that is going to go through the next 9 months and beyond You do what feels right for you. Xx

In that case your partner is being completely unreasonable. How dare he pull this on you now! I am furious on your behalf.
You need to read him the riot act and tell him you need his support and now is not the time to be flakey.
Don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. Take time and let the dust settle. Do what is right for you and your child. If it comes to it you will manage on your own. You have got this 💓

In that case I think it's still way too early as you're probably still both in shock. Very few people expect a pregnancy at 44, especially after trying for a while! I'd park it another week for now and start making decisions then. Give both of yourselves some patience and time.

Sorry can I ask are you just 44 or 44 + how many months. I’ve just gone through a loss in my forties after a long ttc journey and always looking for hope

I’m almost 45

Sorry to hear of your loss! So sad 😢

Your DH needs to take responsibility for his actions. I presume he’s not so stupid he didn’t realise that having unprotected sex could lead to a pregnancy?

You need to do what is right for you but he needs to support you. Tell him that he’s jointly responsible for this pregnancy and that you really need his love and support over this.

💐

I know other posters have said he needs to be supportive, and ideally he should be, he knew you were having unprotected sex, but the reality is that he doesn’t “need” to be.

If I was you I’d give it a bit of time, even just a week, spend that time thinking about if you want this baby & can cope with pregnancy and another baby on the assumption you’re doing it completely alone. All he can be forced to provide is child maintenance which as we all know is a pitiful amount in the grand scheme of raising a child, he cannot be forced to do anything or provide anything else. So work off the basis you’ll be on your own, with just CMS, and if you still do want to continue with the pregnancy then great. If he changes his mind down the line then okay but you need to make this decision for you & you alone because you’re the person who’s life will be changed.

Good luck x

Without wishing to be depressing I think it's a bit soon to assume this will culminate in a live birth given your age. Tread cautiously with your relationship

It’s very early in the pregnancy, at 5 weeks anything could happen.
You both need time to process the huge news and come around. It is after all completely life changing. Perhaps in a few weeks time you’ll both be in a more rational place to have a conversation about it, about the practicalities etc if it looks as though the pregnancy is progressing. He is probably in a place of shock and will hopefully come around quickly.

Also that! Thank you for adding that in, it’s a very valid point

Thankyou it’s been so hard. Thankyou for replying too it gives me a lot of hope . I hope you can find a way through your situation good luck with everything

@ttcafterheartbreak so sorry for your loss. I was 44 & 8 months when I fell pregnant (naturally but unexpectedly seeing as we'd been trying for a few years) and DC is now a healthy 3 year old. Fingers crossed it happens for you too x

OP, I agree your partner is probably still in shock, give things a while to calm down/time to process (not easy I know). He wanted a child with you before and he hadn't taken steps to avoid conceiving so hopefully its just shock talking, especially as he had probably given up hope of it happening.. Congratulations, I hope he comes round, you absolutely CAN do this! Best of luck x

The risk of loss may be higher but so many on here have healthy pregnancies in their 40s.

I wouldn’t want to be pregnant at that age or back on the school run into my 50s.