sat on the sofa holdin one of ds’s old sleepsuits n just cryin a bit. i washed it earlier cos i’m tryin to get organised for baby but idk. everythin feels heavy tonight. like i’m doin all this prep but my head’s still stuck.
i’ve been makin lists, tryin to budget, even lookin at prams online. i want to be excited. sometimes i am. but other times i look at all the stuff i’ve got wrong with the older kids n think… what if i mess it all up again. like what if baby gets here n i just fail again same way.
i want to do better this time. i really do. i’m tryin to learn things i didn’t know before n reach out sooner. but some days i just feel like maybe i don’t deserve a fresh start. 34 years old, 4 kids already, not exactly a clean slate is it.
this baby’s innocent. they deserve the best. n that’s what i want to give. but i just keep thinkin… what if i’m the problem. what if i love them with everything i’ve got n it still ain’t enough.
do any other mums ever feel like this?? like ur tryna turn a corner but ur past is just shoutin louder?? how do u stop waitin to fail??