Hi everyone, sorry for the long post but I’m ready to speak my truth after weeks of shame and embarrassment.
Im in my early 30s and I'm currently in my second trimester with my first pregnancy. It wasn't planned. I was using contraception at the time, but it failed. I was in a relationship with someone (M36) I had known for years as a friend. The relationship itself was still new but felt solid. we’ve met each others families, honestly things were very good, no fights no arguments literally close like best friends.
After the initial shock, I made the decision I wanted to continue with the pregnancy.
When I told him I was pregnant, his response was that he wasn’t ready. We ageeed to meet up and he said a newborn did not fit into his life, that he had other plans and goals that I wouldn’t understand and He would like more kids later down the line. I understood. It was painful to hear, but I respected his honesty.
Essentially I knew I wouldn’t be able to go through an abortion.so I told him he was free to walk away and that I was not expecting him to stay if he did not want to be involved.
He said he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t acknowledge his child but he’d most likely resent me but “ he’ll get over it eventually” And he was not going anywhere.
I sent a message letting him know he was still free to walk and to think about it and I’d accept his stance. He didn’t acknowledge it but We text regularly like normal and then there was silence. Weeks passed without contact. I continued to give him space and didn’t reach out.
He eventually sent roses over a month later and a note saying they were the least he could do given how distant he had been. I responded with gratitude, but I also told him the silence was hard. I mentioned that I had been patient and understanding, but that the lack of clarity made everything harder. He again did not reply.
A week later, I sent a final message. I told him that his silence had become an answer in itself and that I had given him the freedom to walk away without pressure I was just expecting to know where he stood.
Eventually, he responded. His message was long and defensive. He repeated that he did not want the baby, that he was not mentally available, and that he had too much going on to think about any of this. He said he felt like he came off worse in the situation, and even though he liked me, this was not something he could be part of. He also said he felt like he had no say because I could not terminate, and he made a point of saying he was not going anywhere again while also saying he could not be involved right now.
He ended it by saying to call him if I ever needed anything, but we have not spoken since.
(Months now).
What makes this even harder is that he already has children with his ex both children was also unplanned. (he told me after I got pregnant) he initially rejected his youngest and resented the mother for it, so much he moved away for over a year. Eventually, he came around and is now involved. I’ve been around the kids and he’s a “good dad” has them consistently.
I have seen a lot of people online say things like, "He told you he didn’t want it, so why did you keep it?" I see women get blamed for keeping their babies. Which has made me feel a lot of shame for my decision, considering I haven’t made one as an attempt to keep him but one I could live with I even gave him an out.
I’ll add : I did eventually look into an abortion in my first trimester but couldn’t even get through the calls. I looked again at 15 weeks because I knew I was officially doing it alone and felt guilty for keeping my baby when he doesn’t want it.
Now I am preparing to raise my child on my own. Partially accepting, partially bitter, but I also feel protective. I do not know how I would respond if he came back later, especially if it was driven by guilt or to save his reputation. I do not want inconsistency in my child’s life. I would rather do this alone than risk someone coming and going when it suits them. I also gave him the chance to go completely so I can find peace in motherhood, especially navigating in a way I never visioned it.
Thank you for reading. I am just trying to move forward any advice or guidance I’d appreciate it.
Lastly. have no intentions of putting him on the BC nor will i be perusing financial support my offer of freedom was sincere and that mean he’d walk away and essentially leave us alone. I’d rather an active father but to be broken up with because I wouldn’t terminate has been tough.