What should i do to make SIL feel better about me being pregnant?

[excitedfornumber2]

Sorry for the rant in advance its just that i do not have anyone in RL that i can talk to about this,
My SIL was pregnant and was due 1 week after me, she sadly had a missed mc at 12 weeks, she did get pregnant again, but again sadly mc.
I have tried not to rub this pregnancy in her face and only talked about it when she has asked, my DP family had not really been asking about things until i was at least 20 weeks, its like it didnt exist. I was feeling really guilty for still being pregnant and didnt feel i could be excited about it.
I am now 34 weeks and so starting to get excited, i saw my SIL on friday and she asked how things were going, and we had a chat, however i have since found out she left me and went and cried at the bus stop, she didnt tell anyone else, just my DP on sunday, so now i feel guilty again, and am not looking forward to my LO being born, as i am worried how she will feel, i know that her feelings are normal, but sometimes i just want to scream!!!!, i was so looking forward to having this baby, and then i feel guilty for feeling this way..

Argh, what can i do to make things better, i dont know where to go from here.... Sorry for the long post, just needed to get it out.

I was in your SIL position about 4 times, and it is heartbreaking.
You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about-but then your SIL has also done nothing wrong and has every right to feel as she does.

It is heartbreaking for everyone and really only time and with luck anoth baby for your SIL will help to heal things.

Just carry on as you are, you seem to be really sensitive to your SIL but remember that you must be excited and enjoy your baby.

Again it is just heart breaking.

You are allowed to be excited about your own baby whilst being sad for your SIL. I think it sounds as though you are behaving with enormous sensitivity - it's not like it is possible to ignore a huge bump or newborn.
I'd let her call the shots for a bit. Let her ring up to come and see you and the baby when she feels up to it. She may well have more episodes of crying but try not to take it personally. She's not crying because of your pregnancy, she's grieving for the loss of her own. Good luck.

Do you have a good relationship with you SIL otherwise? I found that people who I was close to who were preggers i found easier to "forgive" (wrong word but you know what i mean" I wasnt close to my SIL at all and there is still unfortunatly a rift there-not a huge deal for either of us tho im sure.
Also talking about my lost babies help enourmously, having other pregnant mums really properly recgognise that I was a mum too just in a different way, I had no less love for my babies.

Please do not feel guilty. I have been in both yours and your SIL situation and they ae both tough.

I used to hug and congratulte pregnant women and discuss baby stuff and then go home and break my heart crying. It didn't mean I was any less happy for them, it just meant I was grieving. I'm sure your SIL is happy for you.

Are you close enough to her to be able to say what you've said on here? I was able to reassure a friend that I didn't want her to avoid me and that I was pleased, but that yes it was tough to not be pregnant.

You have no need to feel guilty - you have been careful to be sensitive to her situation - and she asked you how things are going - you didn't force the information on her at a time when she could have been going through a bad patch. I'm guessing that she just had underestimated how she would be able to cope. It's not easy for either of you.

i wouldn't avoid talking to her about it. She prolly feels it as difficult as you, let her open up a bit about her feelings then it will be open for you to talk positively about your lo. I'm sure she doesn't want to make you feel bad. I had a friend who was pregnant and her sister and two mc during the pregnancy. Its very difficult, but you must bring joy around your lo.

Incidently, I had a few mcs, and then had some reflexology when i was ttc, the lady said to me that i must stop feeling negative and worried that i couldn't keep a baby cos the mind subconciously tells the body what to do. Now I know thats a bit spooky, but i felt such a relief, and let go of my negative thoughts, concieved that night and now have a gorgeous ds

my friend hs been trying to conceive for a long time theyve had tests and nothing detrimental has shown up she did have a cycle of treatment before we became friends and obviously that was unsuccesful and i know shes had at least 2 later m/c,her sil has hd 2 babies since and the way my friend explains it is that she doesnt want noone to have a baby just she wants one too,she doesnt feel jealous of other women she just wants what they have as well- she recently retrained in childcare and now several colleagues are pregnant too.

my friend definitely doesnt like being given 'special auntie' titles ,she doesnt like a sudden silence when she enters the room what she relly wanted and never got was facts- the baby is due on xxx date-my scan is on tuesday so if you want to look at the pictures on the weekend let me know etc etc she hated disguised attempts to make her feel better promises to save baby equip etc etc upset her,basically she wanted her sister to talk to her factually and not shroud it in baby chat.

it did seem very sad she chose to confide in your DP but you cant feel guilty your life hs to move on,involve her as much as she is able but as tough as it life has to go on.

my friend still has a sob session after spending time with her nephew and niece i know what it is and she simply hides her sorrow,to her its her sorrow iyswim.

Have been in this situation and agree with everyone that you must be allowed to take joy in your new baby without feeling guilty!

On the issue of what to do, I have a kind of what not to do. A v close friend who had a baby when I was trying and losing was trying to be v sensitive when hers was born and thought that me holding and having a bit of a special look and hold etc of her baby would make me feel better. It really didn't. What did help was acknowledging / mentioning the fact of what we were going through and not ignoring it, which is what they were doing in an effort to be kind and sensitive.

I didn't blame her or criticise her, of course not, people do their best and it's like being ill, people don't know what to say (as you know!) You sound very sensitive and I'm sure she realises this and won't blame you for anything. But have you told her what you feel? Have you said "`i'm so sorry we cant' be doing this together, it must be so hard for you" or is it an unspoken thing at the moment? If it was me (and everybody's different of course) I would really like that, if someone brought it up.

Cosima, that's strange. My friend suffered 5 years of unexplained infertility and 7 rounds of IVF. Eventually, her specialist told her to try reflexology and acupuncture and her last IVF cycle worked. She puts it down to just approaching her body and mind in a different way, and possibly being more relaxed. (Sorry to hijack)

Thanks for the quick replies, the problem is we used to have a really good relationship, and used to talk all the time, she was quite honest at the beginning, and told me that she would find it difficult when the baby came, and she would cry but still be happy and excited for me. My MIL said to me the other day that we need to try and get her to come and see the baby quickly and often, as this may help her, i do understand that she is grieving and would hate to be in her position, and feel extremely lucky that i am having a healthy DS, i suppose i just feel frustrated, as this baby is so wanted, and i want everyone to be pleased about him, but feel there has been a lot of brushing it under the carpet. I do know that everyone is pleased and excited, just not showing it.

Thanks againx

I have to say she has been interested to some extent and has asked when midwife appointments were at the beginning, and asked me to let her know how things were going, i think when she had the 2nd mc thats when things changed, she didnt really confide in DP just told him that she felt silly for crying at the bus stop, then he didnt tell me my MIL did, very messy i know.

I know that i should show excitement, and have been careful not to ignore the situation, and have said a number of times, im really sad were not doing this together, i suppose there is nothing i can do to make it better for her, and i really do understand why she feels the way she does.

It's not YOU and it's not your baby she wants, she wants her OWN baby. So don't make things worse by being secretive or inadvertently patronising her intelligence. I know it's a tightrope though.

You should admit truthfully that you are excited about your baby, but tell her that knowing she's in pain and unhappy takes the edge off your pregnancy. TELL her that you simply can not wait for the time when the two of you can both be happy at the same time.

I think that will mean a lot to her.

A yr from now, her baby will be celebrated like a royal baby and you might feel a little resentful that your own baby's welcome to the world was a little sedate in comparison.

You can't make her feel better about you being pg, nor about her mcs. I have at various times been on both sides of this, and it will be hard for her, whatever you do, so all you can do is not go overboard on the baby talk with her, but also not avoid her or exaggeradtedly avoid the subject; accept that she might want/need to keep her distance a bit; and quietly acknowledge her sadness. I have had two consecutive mc too, and there is IME a particularly hard blow to hopes for the future when the experience repeats itself. You sound lovely; continue to be generous and give her he space she needs.

Thanks everyone, its just nice to be able to talk about it.