Just found out I’m pregnant and could do with some help to calm down

[IfIDoThis]

Hi everyone, DP and I were planning to start TTC in 2028. We get married in April 2027, we have a big trip to America exploring the west coast in September 2027 and then were also planning to road trip Italy before we TTC, as these are two things we have always dreamed of doing. We have never had the funds to do these things before but we are in the best financial position we have been in so have decided to get married, tick off the things on our list, and then TTC.

I have been on the pill for almost 15 years without any problems whatsoever and I found out this weekend that I am pregnant. I feel like my life and plans have kind of been ripped away from me, but I know that’s very dramatic. I’m worrying about planning a wedding while pregnant, I’m worried about being able to afford both saving for a wedding and a baby, and then I’m also grieving the fact that we are not going to be able to go to America and Italy, which is what we have been dreaming of doing since we got together 10 years ago. We have been so excited to FINALLY be able to have these trips when we have only ever been on all inclusive beach holidays before. We really want to explore and I’m devastated that we will have to cancel this now. It’s not “just a holiday” I feel like it is our last bit of freedom to do a little bit of travelling which we have always dreamed of doing. I’ve been thinking about it for years.

Deep down I feel like I am being silly. But I can’t shake myself out of it and was hoping people on here could give me a talking to

You can still travel with a child and explore. Took our 4 year to the east coast of the USA last year and had the absolute best time. It was a little different to how it would have been with just the two of us, but in many ways it was actually better and more enjoyable. Loads of people travel with kids and enjoy it.

Also by the sound of it you're perhaps in your 30's? If so you don't know if you'll even be able to easily conceive in 2 or 3 years time. Plans change. It's absolutely fine and expected to grieve them. But it will be okay. Maybe plan a shorter adventure trip for this year?

You could have a christening wedding event and have that as your celebration. Our local church does this all the time.

if you want children don’t miss the opportunity.

Let yourself be shocked and upset! It's understandable. But things happen for a reason and different plans will evolve. Baby has other ideas, clearly! Let yourself be excited too, when you are ready.

And start planning one of your trips for Sept 2025!

Well, have you considered termination? Wanting a baby together at some point doesn’t mean you have to have one now.

1. Have an abortion.
2. Delay your travel plans to when your DC is grown up
3. Take your DC traveling with you.

I have done option 3 and it was brilliant.

I would still go to Italy during the first few months of your pregnancy before the date you can't fly. I understand about the different dynamic of travelling as two adults or with a child in town. You can get have of that dream done now. Still do the wedding at the time planned. I would definitely cut down on the price of the wedding to also get the Italy trip. You can see it as a honeymoon in advance of the wedding of you like. I know your head must be in a whirl at the moment but congratulations on your pregnancy anyway. At least you won't have the worry many 30 somethings have about whether your fertility is holding up. I hope you manage at least part of the dream before baby's arrival..After he/or she comes along you will have some different dreams to add to the ones you already have. Good luck going forward however you plan it out. 💐

Feel all yout feelings

then take stock.

You are presumably just pregnant (like 4-6 weeks)

Personally I'd do your Italy road trip now before the baby arrives. Sept / Oct is perfect timing.... Travelling after 24 ish weeks is more uncomfy but 4--5months is cool / nice.

US road trip baby comes along.

Personally I wouldn't waste my money on a big fat wedding. Def get married and a party / have a nice time. But we ended up doing a 10k wedding vs planned 65k wedding. Honestly the main difference is we did the kitchen and can retire 2 yrs earlier...

Thanks everyone. We wouldn’t be able to afford any of these holiday before the wedding unfortunately. We have already put down non refundable deposits on the big things (venue, food and photographer) so that’s done now.
there’s no way we can save for the rest of it, save for a holiday and save for maternity leave/baby related things.

I guess I am just sad that the plans will have to be put on hold for even longer after already waiting years to do it. And now those plans are going to look a lot different. Although when baby gets here, I’m sure I will end up loving them being on the trips with us

Do you want the big wedding?

If yes, stick with it.
If not you sound a bit defeatest tbh.

I'd contact them all and see what your options are re: cancelling...then press your luck.
you are miles out and they can likely rebook or do something for you. i also wouldn't get stuck on sunk cost fallacy ie i paid £500 deposit for it so I need to stick with it and spend another 1.5k on a 2k photo booth

A caterer 2 years out can cancel and refund you...will they? I dont know but neither will you unless you ask.

Personally I'd start cancelling what you can and stick the Italy holiday on a zero % credit card and replan a much smaller wedding so I was married before baby arrives
Again though diff people, diff choices...

How old are you OP? Do you get a decent maternity package from work?

It doesn't sound like now is the right time to have a baby TBH. You don't have to. In my view it would be worse to go ahead with a pregnancy that you may resent.

You need time for the news to settle and to sleep on it. You’re in panic mode now! The positives are you’re in a long term stable relationship- you’ve had 10 years of freedom and memories. Life has thrown you a curve ball and I think you’ll be just fine.

Stick with your 2027 wedding, it will be extra special with a baby. Bring your wider family on the journey and they’ll rally round.

You can never be sure of your fertility regardless of age so this could be an early gift you didn’t know you needed!

Like other have said, you don't have to have a baby now if you don't want to. Also I don't want to be negative, just realistic that if it's very early days, wait a couple of months to change any plans. You can travel with a kid though, it's just a different experience 😅

Have you got wedding insurance? Because (as you’ve found out!) the world can change in 2 years and there could be 101 reasons why you can’t get married….

if you want to do all of that stuff and have a baby in 4 years time then have an abortion. It’s a completely acceptable option.

If not, then it’s ok to be sad that it looks a bit different to how you’d planned it but you need to start being excited for how it will look.

you’ve planned your life for 3 years or so - the only thing you can be certain of is that it will never work out the way you’ve planned it.

Oh I really feel for you, must be such a complicated set of feelings.

If there’s enough time and no big reason not to I would be seriously considering a termination. But that is because I had an extremely challenging first child (and pregnancy and birth) and I could barely get along to the local baby class due to screamingggggg baby, nap schedules, and no sleep for me and just feeling like death, never mind travel around the world. You couldn't have paid me to take my child on a trip like that. And because of how trapped I became as a result, my mind definitely turned to all the missed opportunities before and after having them. This wasn’t too bad as there wasn’t anything specific but in your position I can imagine the resentment would build up.
I think if you have time, it’s better to revert to Plan A, have your trips, save your money up etc and TTC when time is right
Once you’re a mum you’re never not a mum again

When they're tiny they just fit in with you. Do it! You might struggle to conceive and regret it later.

“you’ve planned your life for 3 years or so - the only thing you can be certain of is that it will never work out the way you’ve planned it.“ this from @PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister

I guess the key question- do you want a child? Or a predictable, controllable lifestyle? Unfortunately, the two are mutually exclusive.

Like people say- take time to process the situation and your priorities. Then trust you will make the right decision. 🌈

Don’t have an abortion if u want kids! I know several people that did then had fertility problems

maybe borrow money off relative and do travelling sooner

you’re always in debt when u have a baby it’s mega expensive !!! My husband got x2 jobs

Life loves to throw curve balls at the best laid plans.

I think some people suggest termination very casually here. Of course there is nothing wrong with that option if you're set on it, but for a lot of women it brings a lot of emotional turmoil and grief. Only saying this because I think sometimes people suggest this as if it's an easier option and it's really not always the case. There's also no guarantee of straight forward path to pregnancy in the future, if children are something you would like one day. I say all this as someone who had an abortion due to 'bad timing' and I was unexpectedly deeply affected by it emotionally for a long time; I still think about it most days tbh.

If you can afford to go travelling after the wedding, why can't you afford to go before? I know you mention the non refundable things, but is there other stuff that you can cut back on? Do you have any family willing to help out with any bits (especially if they are aware of the situation?)
As others have said, you can take baby along to most things. Yes it might be different and in some respects harder, but that's not the same as being worse.

A hand hold as it's okay to feel how you feel. Give yourself time and grace. But this doesn't have to be a bad thing either, just a different thing.

It’s up to you, but I assume you’re in your 30s if you have been on the pill for 15 years. Especially if you want multiple children you have to think how much you want to risk it for a wedding day and a holiday.

You might be fine, but I wouldn’t take it for granted that you can just have a baby in 3 years time instead.

Thanks everyone. It’s good to hear everyone’s perspectives and opinions. I can definitely cut back on other things that haven’t been paid for yet so that’s good. But the food and venue are definitely non refundable and I’m not prepared to just cancel and lose my deposits… I suppose we could push the date back though which may help somewhat because then we don’t need to be SO focused on saving for the wedding and could save for one of our holidays first instead.

I am about to turn 31 in August. I feel like I should be happy but I’m just sad. I feel like I need to get over myself though and pull myself together. I’m sure I will feel better soon, I think it must just be the shock and unexpectedness of it. As now the next few years of my life look completely different to how I imagined them and what I was planning. I don’t want to be filled with resentment

Well you don't have to have the baby you have options