So, much as the title says, I felt a little off the last few days, bought a test in supermarket car park, used their toilet, and yep…it’s positive.
To add some context, we have two children. One has cystic fibrosis, and I swore I would never allow us to cause the impact of her condition on another child.
I had a termination two years ago when little one was unwell, and I realised I couldn’t cope with being her carer, and a new born.
Last summer, I then experienced a miscarriage at 8 weeks, after having seen a heartbeat at 6 weeks.
I’ve spent the last year pulling myself together, trying to deal with fall the heartache from so many issues, going to do dd’s diagnosis to losses, all without any professional support, and just when life was starting to make a bit more sense, dd is doing really well, this happens. I can’t even figure out how as we used protection, but somehow it has.
To add further context, I’m 41, and have recently felt that it was okay to pursue this when I was 40, but now I’m that tiny bit older, just let it go and be happy with that I have (this is no way a reflection of anyone a finale age/older, just a reality check for me).
So…f**k. I feel that given age, possibility of inheriting CF, and to top it off I’ve been taking MJ for the last 2 months, this is just not meant to be. But it breaks my heart to think I could give my girls another sibling.
Similarly, I don’t think I could cope with their needs if a baby were born with its own needs.
Telephoned DH today, but no one else to talk to, or to begin to try and explain the chaos of the last few years.