Is what I’m feeling normal?!

[AiRoo]

Morning,

im looking for some words of support, wisdom or a reality check, not sure which!

im 12 weeks pregnant, i have my NHS dating scan tomorrow. This is my third pregnancy and the first to make it this far.

I have 2 non bio children that my wife carried who are my world but i wanted to experience pregnancy myself.

in the past 10 weeks i have had 3 nhs scans and, 2 because of my history and 1 due to some spotting, and I think 5 private ones- i know, i know.

the last one was last week, baby measuring a day ahead heartbeat strong etc. the sonographer said to me that if i dont start trusting the process and ultimately my body then ill struggle to bond.

im just convinced that tomorrow ill go and there’ll be no heartbeat. Or that something else will happen further down the line.

from people who have experienced loss, do you ever fully relax and enjoy the process?

im borderline depressed, its like im convinced i dont deserve this and something is bound to go wrong.

disclaimer- I do have a MH history and have a perinatal appointment booked in a couple of weeks. I have worked SO hard to recover from my trauma and be in the best position for my children and this pregnancy but I feel like I’m losing my mind.

sorry for the rambling.

The sonographer is full of it - you're this concerned about the baby because you are already bonded.

Write down as much as you can about how you're feeling and how it's affecting you (and people around you) and take it to the perinatal appointment.

Good luck.

I can totally relate to this. I'm also pregnant after losses and would have scans every day if I could. I went into the 12 week scan convinced it would all come crashing down, but it was fine.

I do think there's some truth in struggling to bond. For ages I couldn't think of the baby as anytime other than "the foetus", probably as I didn't want to get hurt.

I'm now 33 weeks, and wouldn't say I'm relaxed yet but it does get easier week by week, and at this point I am actually enjoying the process.

Most 12 week scans are fine, and since you've had others your odds are even higher. 💕

The sonographer's comment was a bit off hand.
Totally normal to feel this way consider all you've been through.

I'm nearly 15 weeks with my 5th pregnancy (no living children) and don't feel any kind of bond, nor do I currently wish to. It's too hard having multiple losses and being pregnant after loss, so I'm in self preservation mode. It doesn't matter if you don't feel that "connection" or bond in early pregnancy, it doesn't mean you won't love your child.

I had an a miscarriage at end of first trimester in a previous pregnancy .In the next pregnancy I felt numb and cried every time I had a scan. Midwife told me these feelings are normal after a miscarriage . It’s your way of protecting yourself. I didn’t bond with my baby until after I had them but that’s normal even without having a loss I think.

First, congratulations!

Like the other ladies in this thread, I am pregnant after multiple losses. Now I only really allowed myself to bond with baby after two private scans and the big 12 week scan. Once it was confirmed baby was low risk then I let myself rub my bump (well, bloat at that point) and let myself dream of the future.

I know it's scary but your chances of loss are so low now you've seen that lovely heart beat. You'll be ok ❤ let us know how the scan goes.

I'm currently 31 weeks after 2 first trimester losses. I think the sonographer was talking nonsense.

Lots of people who don't have a history of pregnancy loss don't feel bonded to their potential baby before 12 weeks - or much later. I know I've talked with several friends who found that everything about pregnancy felt quite unreal until they had seen the baby at the 12 week scan. Scans earlier than 10 weeks aren't really the same because the "baby" just looks like a blob.

For me with this pregnancy, I've definitely found things easier once I could feel the baby move and I think that definitely helps with bonding. But that doesn't mean the anxiety goes away entirely - it feels like the stakes get higher / the potential loss gets bigger as pregnancy progresses. That's not to minimise early losses at all, just that my baby does now feel like a tiny person living inside me, rather than the potential beginning of a new life. But the pregnancy progressing does also lead to reassurance - because I've worried lots of times that something has gone wrong and it hasn't, which eventually starts to shift that fear towards hope that things will be ok.

@Everythingisokay @GettingFestiveNow @InvisibleDragon @JuniperandI @Moosey898 @PurpleTurtleMoose @TheIceBear

I cannot thank you all enough for your replies. You’ve each made me feel better. Going to try and be more positive if tomorrow goes well, I will let you know.

those that are pregnant now, I hope all continues to go well for you. It really is a journey.

thanks again, appreciate it more than you know xx

Hey, I was also like this! I had about 20 scans overall! Window to the Womb should give me a frequent flyer card!
I had a previous loss at 12 weeks and honestly I don't want to lie to you, most of my pregnancy was miserable mental health wise. I did get prescribed Sertraline and that helped immeasurably. My baby girl is 3 weeks old now and asleep next to me and it was obviously worth all the misery!
Sonographer is somewhat silly for suggesting that this would affect your bonding. I honestly had intrusive thoughts up and actually throughout the birth about her dying and there's no issue with my bond. Interestingly, now my husband has taken on the role of crazy worried and I am pretty chilled now that she is here!

I hope it all works out for you. I would recommend Sertraline if you can, and any mental health interventions that you can access. We had a really supportive ante natal group that did group CBT and that was great.

@Disco2022 thank you for your reply and sorry for your loss.

But wow, congratulations on your baby girl. Thank you for your honesty, it’s relatable and I need to hear it.

I am so stressed I have developed a facial twitch and my eyes close and my face screws up I think every second. It’s debilitating currently.

Will explore meds at my perinatal appointment.

thanks again, enjoy a beautiful evening with your perfect girl xx

Evening all,

just a little update because I said I would, 12 week scan went well. Baby measuring 3 days ahead and all measurements fine. I have a 6cm fibroid by my cervix so am consultant led. But, for now I’m relieved and dare I say it, excited.

x

Agreed. Sonographer was out of order and not correct. I say that as a mental health professional

It's very early days. Like you l didn't have a smooth journey to get pregnant but we bonded just fine

I just wanted to say there is a YouTuber called Hynobirthing with Anya listen to her videos they are positive affirmations that might help

@AiRoo woohoo! That's such good news. My 20 week scan is tomorrow, don't know how I'll sleep tonight 😫

Absolutely brilliant to read the latest update @AiRoo ! It's completely normal to be anxious - having experienced losses myself, if I ever carry to term I expect the anxiety will never go away. The sonographer was overstepping and inaccurate - not least because you can't make yourself bond with your baby, before or after birth, by beating yourself up for anxiety. I love the way @GettingFestiveNow put it - you're already bonded and will continue to do so.

@rosegarden95 thank you for the recommendation- I will look now!

@JuniperandI thank you! It was surreal.
ooooo eeek! The sleep the night before is always restless. Wishing you all the best, I’m sure all will be well. Let us know!!

@AngryBookworm thank you so much! I really hope you do carry to term. I hope that for me too! Feels years away at this moment.

I do feel bonded to be honest. Because yes, as has been said, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t care this much! Wishing you all the best with your journey