Been told to expect miscarriage. Boyfriend verbally abusing me.

[SwimmingNoodle]

I’m supposed to be 9 weeks pregnant today but my embryo has been measuring behind at the last 2 scans. It’s ivf so no room for error on dates. The heart rate is low at 90. Prognosis is bad. I’ve been told to prepare for a miscarriage. I’m devastated and grieving. I’m wondering if I should continue with progesterone and oestrogen for the time being until I get another scan in a week.
I just feel totally alone in this. My partner has been horrible throughout. To begin with, when the first scan didn’t go well, he didn’t seem to care and was walking around happy and whistling. I thought perhaps he simply didn’t understand the implications so I explained to him that we might lose the baby. But he just doesn’t think it’s a baby unless it goes full term. The next week we had another scan with a consultant who said this embryo will likely demise. My boyfriend told me to ‘just let it go’. He even tried to initiate sex with me while I am going through this.
He is verbally abusive every day (verbal abuse, shouting and name calling has been an ongoing problem for years - I can’t leave him because I’m financially dependent upon him and have a 3 year old together and I’m a stay at home mum.. he says I should pay for childcare if I want a job. I do work from home but it’s accounting for him.
That’s it really. I don’t even know what I’m writing for, as I feel like no one can help.
my family are all abroad. I have a wonderful daughter and great friends but I don’t want to burden them.

I just feel utterly helpless and trapped. Boyfriend will likely come home later not talking to me for a day or two (we had an argument last week because he put the heating on in an heatwave to dry his t-shirts and then another argument today about summer holiday plan) and then pretend everything is normal. He thinks it’s totally normal to shout abuse at me and call me names and that we really get on great together, even though I’m hopelessly depressed with him. he just laughs at me when I say I want to split up because he refuses to sell our assets and split. He enjoys telling me to go ahead and try (to survive without him). He knows I’m vulnerable right now with impending miscarriage so he’s treating me worse than ever. In previous years he was awful too (cheated and physically aggressive), but then he’d get scared because I might leave him. So he’d be reasonable for a while. Now I’m so entangled he’s more confident that I’m stuck.
My only option is to leave the country and go back to my family, upending my daughter’s life. He knows I won’t do this.
I’m not totally blameless in our arguments but right now I feel he’s behaving unforgivably.
No idea what to do anymore. I just find the only place I can find advice and feel less alone is reading mumsnet threads that others have posted so I thought I’d post my own.

thanks if you’ve read my post
x

I'm sorry you're going through this. Very best wishes for the next few days. If this pregnancy does end at this early stage, please think very long and hard about whether you would want another child with this man. He sounds awful. Are you married to him? Your legal position is different if you are. Frankly, no matter how difficult it will be for you and for your little one in the short term, in the longer term I would say you will both be much better off living away from him. He is setting an appalling example of how a partner should behave and your daughter shouldn't grow up thinking this is normal.

Go back to your country with your daughter. Your bf is holding you (and her) hostage. It won’t get better. It will never get better. Stop trying for another baby it will only tie you down further.

Anything is better than being financially controlled and utterly dependent on a boy friend like this. He can terminate the support at any time leaving you homeless and he can take your little girl, too, on the grounds that he has housing and you don’t.

Call women’s aid, call for family help, inform your doctor, grab your girl and go. Future you will thank you for saving you and your dd.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but given you're in an utterly shit position with a shit partner, why in god's name are you having another baby - even to the extent of having IVF?

Go back to your family and home country with your child. Nobody deserves the treatment you're having.

Sorry you are going thru this
Whatever happens you absolutely need to and can find a way to get away
You absolutely can leave it just needs some thinking how

Put it the other way how can you stay and expose your three year old to this?

He is verbally abusive every day (verbal abuse, shouting and name calling has been an ongoing problem for years - I can’t leave him because I’m financially dependent upon him and have a 3 year old together and I’m a stay at home mum

You can claim child maintenance from him
Unmarried you have no other rights .
nor he on you.
Go to your family.
Speak to CAB about what you would be entitled to if you stay UK

He's not going to get any better, he will only get worse. Honestly? Go back to your family. You NEED to get away from him.

Aside from the failed ivf, which absolutely is heartbreaking and rough to go through. (Continue meds as prescribed until told to stop)

You need to really sit and think about your daughter. Do you want for her to grow up thinking its okay to be abused daily and to be fed up living life with somebody who is controlling and manipulative?
If you wouldnt want it for her, you shouldn't stand for it either.
You would not be unending her life if you moved closer to family, you would be providing her with the family support you would both need. Also at 3, very unlikely to have much of a long lasting impact in her life if her future means a stable, happy, supportive life.

Get in touch with women support, your clinic (without him there) for info on any other embryos you may have frozen, get him to start paying child support, get him the hell away from you and your child. He does not deserve either of you, and the sooner this happens the better. Get
The only way you are trapped is if he physically locks you up. It may be hard to start over, but it will be harder living a healthy happy life with him.
Even if you have to leave everything to him, it's worth it.
Good luck to you, and sorry for the heartache of your ivf loss ❤️‍🩹

Go home.

Take your DD, grieve for your baby but go home to your family and rebuild your life. She’s young enough that it won’t be too much of an upheaval for her.

Your BF isn’t worthy of you. He isn’t worthy of your daughter.

You’ll do brilliantly without him dragging you down and making you depressed.

Not sure what your relationship is like with your family or if your mum is still with us, but if you were my daughter and told me all of this I’d be on the next plane to help you pack and take you home.

Go home.