Cannot stand my mother since becoming pregnant and feeling guilty

[tiredandaggravated]

Hi all,

I've always had a somewhat strained relationship with my mother due to various personal reasons, but since becoming pregnant I am absolutely disgusted by her. Not in a purely aesthetic sense, but her past and current behaviors, her personality, and even her mannerisms all make me want to be as far away from her as physically possible.

Luckily I am living abroad (from USA, living in Germany now), but when she and my father came to visit me and my husband last month I felt legitimately physically repulsed by everything she did. Her hand lotion suddenly smelled like a rotting animal carcass to me. The way she chewed her food and sipped her water made my stomach churn. She hugged me and every fiber of my being recoiled from her touch.

I actually found out I was pregnant during their visit, but as it was very early I chose to keep this information between my husband and I, and a few weeks later when they were back in the states I told them on a phone call.

My mother and her mother were essentially NC since my mom moved out, and I understand why my mom wants to have a close mother-daughter relationship. But given our past together and a lot of my old resentments resurfacing as well as these strange biological-psychological (???) cues (like being unable to tolerate her) I really don't want to pursue that. It is part of the reason I moved abroad. She has historically had very poor physical and emotional boundaries with me. When I announced my pregnancy to my parents, I told my mom that I wanted her to go to therapy, and surprisingly, she agreed.

Of course my mom is excited to be a grandmother, and she recently asked if I would like her to be present at the birth, which was met with a polite yet firm "no." She seemed really disappointed, which made me feel very bad, but the thought of having her in the delivery room makes my fucking skin crawl. I don't want her talking to me and most of all touching me while I'm in labor, I don't want to have to act as her translator while I'm experiencing labor pains or during my first week postpartum, and I don't want to deal with trying to regulate everything around her for her maximum emotional fulfillment while dealing with a newborn.

I feel super guilty about all of this, because despite everything, she's still my mother at the end of the day. I would be heartbroken if the child I birthed felt this way about me. But then again, I probably wouldn't put them through what she put me through.

Did this happen to anyone else? I could at least tolerate my mom before I was pregnant, even though she would often annoy the shit out of me. Would love some outside perspective.

Thanks for reading!

Since having my daughter I've looked back at my mother's actions with a new light and I find myself much more critical of her past actions. I have vowed to do better that's not to say my daughter won't have plenty of things she dislikes about her upbringing that's just life
Pregnancy can bring out lots of intense emotions and feels some of them difficult. Do you have any one to talk to?

Oh OP, your words really resonated with me.
I’ve had a very difficult relationship with my mum and a childhood that had its highs but also had its neglect. I’ve questioned her judgement when looking back and in the last decade she has also developed some mental health issues for which she refuses to seek treatment for. Many troubling situations have been brought my way to have to assist in managing, due to her behaviour. As well as the feelings of grief for not having a stable parent in my life, to be present at such a wonderful time as this, also comes a feeling that I must protect our new family unit from destructive behaviours. I too, whilst TTC and now pregnant, physically and mentally feel like a switch has flicked in my brain, to enable me to let go of that relationship and all the weird destructive negativity that comes with it.

I know we don’t share exact experiences - but I’ll back you in your thoughts and choices to back your gut. Go with your gut instinct on this x
I too will take this post as a sign to trust my gut instinct too x

Luckily I'm able to talk to my husband pretty openly about these things, and he's very supportive of me and understands/makes room for my feelings. To be fair, I feel like all of my emotions (positive or negative) are magnified, so I appreciate his patience. I'm looking into getting a few sessions with a counselor/therapist as well, because I also have a few things to sort out on my end.

I'm so relieved to hear I'm not the only one. I know that pregnancy hormones can cause us to act/think irrationally, but there's just some things that stick in my mind so much... but you're right, it was really like a switch kind of flipped and made me think twice about letting my mom try to get closer to me. Each time it's really blown up in my face, and it's the last thing I need at the moment (we're also redoing a house, which is stress in and of itself). It's just difficult. I'm an only child and it's hard to take a step back and go low contact to gather my thoughts and decide what to do. After about a week I get bombarded with calls and messages and demands for video calls.

I absolutely would not have wanted my mother in the delivery room with me.

nor any other member of my family or my DH’s family.

bloody pils turned up within a couple of hours of the birth and Dh had to go an be social with them (I had twins and both were in NICU at the time).

I’m fine if my DD doesn’t want me in the delivery room.

See I thought that this was a normal sentiment, but my mom has been telling me "oh, well I really would've wanted my mother to be there, but it wasn't possible, so" (her mother was severely mentally ill and they had decided to break contact). Sometimes I feel that she is trying to "make up for lost time" by trying to recreate the ideal relationship she would've had with her mother with me. I am really trying not to let her guilt me on this, because she's been successful with it in the past and I just end up feeling like a resentful doormat.

It's exhausting. My dad and I have made so many concessions over the course of our lives purely for her comfort and to avoid any emotional outbursts or family fights, and I have a feeling that me asking for a bit of privacy is going to be a real point of contention between us that will be "fine" now, but will later be used against me whenever the opportunity comes up during an argument (I.e. "well you didn't let me witness the birth of my grandchild!").

As mentioned above, I'll be looking for a therapist to talk things over with 😅 but just need to vent a little bit.

There's nothing unusual about not wanting your mother in the delivery room, OP. Don't let her make you feel otherwise. It's your body, your child, your choice.

Even without a complex relationship, it's normal to not want your mum for labour! I'd have had to translate for my mum which is just stress, she's not young so wouldn't have been much help pushing wheelchairs or anything and she's not been to a birthing class in +30 years so is a bit out of date. And I love my mum! My parents didn't come until baby was nearly 2 months which I was sad about at the time (their choice), but actually was good because the baby was more interactive and fun, but also less breakable so less stress for me

My daughter was 3h old before I told my mum I was even in labour!

You are not close, your visceral reaction to your mother is extreme.
Politely ask her to give you some space for a few months, it must be awful to feel like you do around her, and awful for your DM too.
You have your reasons.

Thank you. It's hard, because we had an enmeshed family system for a while so me telling her that we aren't close and her believing it are two entirely different things, if that makes sense. Asking her for space and privacy tends to exacerbate things so it's reached the point where I will just leave her on read, which is also rude as fuck, but I feel like there's no other option.