I’m utterly terrified & torn about finding myself pregnant with baby number four! Please help 😓

[ScaredMomma]

Hello,

I am a 33 disabled mother of three beautiful boys. 15 - 12 and 4 are their ages.

I have just found out I am pregnant with my fourth. Totally unplanned.

Our situation at the moment is not the best at all. Our four year old has a spinal tumour so we are on home leave until Monday then back in to stay until his operation, he’s been a very poorly boy and then he will have to recover.
Our older boys have been living with my sister for a little while as we’ve sold our house and bought another but awaiting the move. I miss them every second although we do still spend time together it’s not enough.

With my third baby boy, my four year old, it was extremely hard from the get go, he’s been referred to mental health services and I think I have ptsd from raising him, I have never in my life done something so hard. He’s about to start school in September so I will finally have a bit of a life. I have bipolar so although I am medicated I do struggle from time to time.

I had so many plans lined up, now that my baby boy is starting school, I’d finally be able to cook for my family and do gardening and take good care of our new home and my family but now I have found out I’m pregnant again and I have hyperemesis gravidarum with every pregnancy so I’m very poorly.

I don’t know what to do. I’m really, really scared. I don’t know if I can do it all over again 😭 please can anybody offer advice?

Sorry this sounds so tough. It’s your body and your choice. In your position I think I’d terminate. Sorry if that’s difficult to hear I know it must be very hard. But it’s what I’d do.

I think you need to focus on your current DC and making a lovely home for them, like you say, hone cooked meals, nice routine, help your youngest recover. You will be out of commission with a new baby and you dont know how your son will recover or what support or help he or even yourself might need in the future. I think a termination is the best choice, as difficult as that sounds x

Thank you for an honest response 💜

Thank you so much for your honest response 💜

You're not able to care for all the children you have at the moment (for valid reasons, but nevertheless) so having another child would be wildly irresponsible and unfair to the older children.

Thank you for your honest response 💜

Thank you for your honest response 💜

It’s your body so it’s up to you but it does sound like you have a good support network ? Would your sister or other family help in more ways?

If you / your dc have disabilities are you able to get the short breaks grant from your LA?

Do you have a gut feeling whether you want to continue or not ?

My Sister and I are very close, she would help me with anything and so would my husband but we have businesses so he has to work although he would take time off if I need help and support.
If I answer 100% honestly, my gut tells me to terminate but I feel so, so terribly guilty.
Thank you for your advice 💜

Don’t feel guilty at doing what is best for your children.

Many, many women have terminations for various reasons and a lot of them are mums, because mums more than anyone know just how big an impact going through pregnancy, birth and then raising a child can have.

Hope your youngest goes on to have a good recovery.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it because right now I feel like a piece of crap. Thank you for wishing my son a speedy recovery 💜

You really shouldn’t feel guilty. I think women are told that they should go through the wringer when having a termination but quite honestly, I have never felt guilt. Occasionally, I’ve wondered what our family would look like with 4 but never guilt. We simply wouldn’t have coped without everyone’s lives being compromised in some way.

You must not feel guilty if that’s the right choice for you and your family there’s nothing to feel guilty about. You might feel sad but that is very normal and you have to be kind to yourself

I would second, please don’t feel guilty if you choose to terminate. You have to do the best you can with what you have on your plate - which is a lot. Sometimes it takes courage to say that your jug is full. Good luck and be strong.

You shouldn't feel guilty. Your bigger boys will still need you, your sister is obviously helpful but it must be tough for them especially with their DBro's health condition not living with you. I think focusing on their wellbeing once you're moved will be so important especially as the older one will have gcses soon. It's better to focus on the children who need you now than add another to the mix and spread yourself too thinly

You need to think of what's best for you and your existing family, and from what you say another baby will not bring anything positive to anyone in the family, especially you.
The best thing would be to have an abortion. You should not feel a scrap of guilt, because you would be doing the right thing for you and your family.

I read the title and expected to think you could possibly keep the baby. But like PP said you can’t currently look after your children (you mentioned cooking is not possible?). I really don’t think you should continue with the pregnancy

I terminated in your situation. 2 DSs 18 & 15. DS1 with ASD & DD 4. Plus my own health issues.

Honestly I haven’t regretted it for a minute even though I thought I would. I didn’t realise I was pregnant until 12 weeks so needed a surgical termination & had to travel 50 miles away for it. I felt a slight guilt sitting in the clinic waiting but absolutely nothing since. It was the best decision for me & my 3 DCs.

Thank you so much. My jug is overflowing and my DC need me more than ever right now. 💜

Thank you so much for your honesty. My 15 year old has lung disease so he’s home educated. You’re 100% right my DC need me more than ever before.
Thank you 💜

Thank you for your honest advice 💜

I would also look into permanent contraception for you both, can your dh have a vasectomy. I too in your position didn't continue withy final pregnancy but it was a miscarriage. I was torn between continuing and keeping and in the end nature made the decision for me.

Cooking is possible, my four year olds mental health issues put great strain on home life so it was very hard but I meant I am looking forward to being able to cook, bake and take care of my family again properly because my youngest is starting school September so it will be a lot easier.
Thank you for your honest advice 💜

Thank you for your honest advice 💜

You need to prioritise your own well being first (what use are you to anyone else if you don’t?) and then the wellbeing of the three children you already have.

From what you say, there is no way in hell another baby can be fitted into your family without damaging everyone’s wellbeing. So in your case, the decision does seem pretty cut and dried. (You sound like an absolute bloody heroine for coping with as much as you do.) xxx

Edit - I hope your little one gets well as soon as he can.