Not feeling any connection to my baby

[BessieBye]

Please someone help me, I feel so disconnected to my baby (17wks+2). I have a 4yo DD and felt similar but not as extreme. I just plodded on and loved being pregnant! But didn’t actually feel any strong connection. Just felt the obvious protective and cared for my unborn baby 110%

When she was born I had an emergency section and I did not feel the instant bond that everyone talks about.. I had a rough time mentally and I didn’t actually enjoy motherhood til she was about a year (please don’t shame me for that I feel awful 😭). She is the most perfect person in the world to me, my best bud, I love her to the ends of the earth.

This pregnancy I said I’m going to find out what I’m having in the hopes I can form a bond, give baby a name and buy some clothes to get excited. We found out we were having a boy last week and although I felt immediately really happy with the news, I’m a week in and feel no connection. I am so sad. I want to feel excited and it’s not happening 😭 I’ve even started to feel him move.

please tell me what I can do, I was referred to obstetric mental health team at my 8wk booking appt because I was feeling low mentally , but the appt was just absolute rubbish - they asked me if I’d ever been depressed, I said no… then said ok well if I do then to just ring GP. All they said after was I had a high BMI and would need glucose test and growth scans 😭 I feel like I’m trying to get help and they don’t care. How do I feel excited about this baby? When i initially fell pregnant I was SO excited and it’s just slowly declined the further the weeks have gone on….

I wouldn’t overthink it yet. Some women don’t feel a bond while pregnant. I didn’t and bonded just fine with my baby as I got to know him.

There’s a world of difference between, ‘I have x feeling and I feel terrible about it’, and ‘I have x feeling.’ The first outlook creates a problem (i.e. mental health problem) and the second outlook just accepts that you feel whatever you feel. Can you try to drop the judgement of yourself and shift to the second outlook?

Don’t worry, I didn’t feel a bond when pregnant, in fact I barley even thought it felt real, I gave birth and didn’t feel a rush of emotions like most people do, even after the first month I loved her but didn’t feel a connection or bond or anything in particular. Now she is 1 and she is my absolute world, don’t worry it will come

I felt exactly like you did about both babies and honestly I was fine with it. Particularly with the second, as you’ve a child who needs your attention. Plenty of time to bond in the newborn weeks.

I wouldnt overthink it yet tbh.

Plenty of women feel like you do, I did...
I did for both of mine i just wasnt going to plaster it all over Insta like my friend "who loved her lil bean with all her heart the minute she saw the positive pregnancy test... blah blah.blah"

Women who feel like you do dont yell it from the rooftops

I was also not too jazzed about having a boy 2nd time round. I bought a lot of fun non sludge/navy clothes on vinted and that cheered me up a bit. When he arrived he was truly delightful... people-stopping-you-in-the-street-to-tell-how-delightful-he-is-kinda-delightful.
I still wasnt that "in love" until about a year old.

A whole third of women do not instantly fall in love with their newborn OP. A third! (And the other two thirds don't either, but their hormones convince them they're madly in love).
Like any new person in your life, it's perfectly fine to fall in love with your child as you get to know them over weeks and months.

This is a very common thing for women who had a c section and weren’t successful at breastfeeding. Both of these things flood your body with oxytocin which is a hormone that promotes bonding with the baby. It literally drugs you to love your baby and be obsessed with babies in general. It’s nature’s way to make sure we care for our babies and that they survive.

I saw this in my own experience. Before giving birth I often thought I wanted to have only one child. When I was in labour I was thinking I’m not doing it ever again. 2 hours after pushing my son out I was so high on oxytocin I kept telling my husband we must have three children because they are so amazing.

I breastfed for two years. Often I would cry with joy when breastfeeding, touched by the beauty of motherhood. Again it was oxytocin drugging me to think this way. I stopped being obsessed with babies shortly after I stopped breastfeeding. I could really see the difference. I still love my son the same as before and we’re still very close, but I no more cry at videos of people packing up baby items after having their last baby, or at the thought of my son growing up and going to university. Oxytocin really messes with your head but you don’t experience it if you don’t breastfeed and have a c section - it’s much harder to bond with your baby then and none of this is your fault

I didnt when I was pregnant and I didnt have the warm rush of love people talk about when he arrived. It was a few months before I felt any protective feelings over him.
He was in NICU for a while and I described it as going to the pet shop and asking the staff. If they could get a hamster out for me to hold. There was no pull towards him at all.

I know now thats its normal not to have that feeling as much as its normal for the people that do. At the time I thought something was wrong

I loved being pregnant (horrible menstrual cycle),

Had visions of the babies to be born that bore zero reality to the children I actually had.

Only one of mine did I do the immediate love thing and that's the actual child now adult that's now living their best life without a backward glance and any response to any messages.

I do believe that you need to be much kinder to yourself. You are doing a lot of work growing a human and other people are all very well but appearances to the outside world can be very false.

And if you ever feel overwhelmed it is a good thing to ask for help. People do care.

Thank you for all of this ❤️

currently sitting with my 7 week old baby boy, absolutely in love from the second I saw his face. He arrived and it instantly felt ‘right’. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Ah, I was just about to comment in the same vein as other posters telling you to be kind to yourself, as I hadn’t noticed the date of your original post. Then saw your update. Huge congratulations! That was lovely to read - enjoy your beautiful boy ❤️

I had a vaginal birth and still didn't fall in love instantly. 🤷