Mum of two just aborted third child and totally regret

[ella90ella]

I have two children (boy 3,5 years and boy 20 months old). I really loved having these children and being pregnant. My husband and I planned a third, because we thought we would manage up to this number. Our jobs are very very demanding. It was me who insisted on starting trying the last few months, as long as my husband wanted to wait a bit. I would like to mention that the last two years I was on a maternity leave and all day in house trying to manage everything on my own. We started trying last four months and I got pregnant almost immediately. Before learning these news I had started feel we have started finding our balancies as a family and fullfilment as we are.I was about to go back to work next month and I felt I would get some of my other life back. When I got pregnant I firstly felt so happy and stressed though the same time. I was in panic thinking we would change all our live and how would we manage. I thought it was normal because of hormones. My husband was happy and tried to relax me. I thought I would have no time for three kids, disappoint my existing two kids as long as I would go back to work some time and all this with a third kid seemed so overwhelming. I wasn't t sure if we could finally give them the same quality of life (experiences, time for them). These thoughts dominated my mind day by day in a way I had never expected. It was like I had lost my self. I could not believe what I had done and how stupid I was going through this. In the beginning my husband told me to abort if I don t feel sure etc, something I had never thought. He tried to seem cool. He never meant it and as long as this idea started being in my mind he was totally against. He told my to decide anything I wanted but I would be on my own on this.That I had to forget about it afterwards (if I aborted) and gov on.
I woke up for about one month everyday having no mood for starting my day, crying, no interests, I had given up everything. I felt depressed (my husband was negative even to the meaning of depression he thought it was just hormones and anxiety). Our jobs are stable. finances pretty well and are a lovely couple. I worked it a lot and was on the fence for a month. I could no more cope with the idea bringing a life and feeling the same way (postpartum depression, although I knew I would love this baby). To be short, I decided to have a surgical abortion on 8 weeks, although I knew that my character would no let me go ahead and forget it. I thougth I had for one time listen to my buoyancy as long as I have always take on responsibilities for everything. I was crying till the last minute and I knew that this behavior could mean a bad decision. I didn't have the stomach to leave and keep the baby. It was three days ago I aborted.
When I woke up I tried convincing my self I would not feel regret, grief and depression for what I had done, that this was a sensible decision. The other day, as i was scared of, i felt soddenly regret, I wanted me b baby back. Don t judge me, I just feel so desperate, this will haunt me forever, I can believe I did it, I hoped I could have given up this idea. My husband behaves like I have no reason to discuss about, he doesn't speak to me a lot, he seems being in grief, he tries not to keep his eyes on me and tells me I have to go on for our family. As absurd it may sound, yesterday I asked him to try again sometime. He told me to forget about it, that now he is very tired, and he is old enough (47y) to have an othrer baby in the future. I am 35y. I feel I want it now. I prefer suffer tiredness than this deep regret. I know it will not be the same child, that I cut a line o life of this fetus. But cannot cope with it. Please don t judge me. I feel so lonely to all this and before o f this and this may be the reason I got to this point. Everybody in my environment has always faced me as a strong girl, strong woman who can cope with everything, but I was not really that strong and maybe I burnt out. I don t know if having an other baby sounds selfish, I don t know what happens to me at all.

I'm sorry you feel this deep regret. Are you able to access counselling? It might help to talk this through.

I can see why your DH might not want to try again, it sounds like things have been a confusing and intense and I can see why he might want the security of keeping things how they are.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know this is easier said than done, but I think you deserve to give yourself a break. Your hormones were all over the place, you were stressed and anxious, and you made a decision based on what you felt was right for your family. It's absolutely fine to acknowledge you may have changed your mind since, but you can't beat yourself up over what happened. You're doing your best here 💕

I have scheduled an appointment next week for counselling. I had also some counselling before the abortion and i came to this conclusion, but I m not sure I did the best for myself.
I know he needs safety now. He suffered from the whole situation and this makes me more regretful. One reason I wanted this third kid is he. I wanted a beautiful family with him growing them with love. I now feel I destroyed everything.
Thank you for your answer.

Oh @ella90ella I could have written this myself.
I am sorry you are going through this and if it helps, I can let you know my experince.
I unexpectedly fell pregnant 3 months ago. Like you I felt shocked and quite worried about how my family would cope. My partner and I were completely drained, both working full time but back to back shifts to make things work and with multiple kids it's so hard, especially since we dont have a strong support network.
We discussed the pros and cons and like yourself we discussed strained resources, lack of room, not sure about how and when our income would increase (if any of us progressed) and no money would increase the time we have left after school and work. So ultimately attention for each child would be limited. Which I feel bad because I know they dont get enough attention from us after school.
I had the termination at 5 weeks and initially I felt ok. However when I informed my friend about my insecurities she mentioned "In my shoes she would not have made the descion that i did" which really did send me backwards. Interestingly when I challenged her about the practicalities of how was I supposed to cope she didnt have an answer as she has no partner or kids herself.
It took me months to get over this. For the first 2 months I was like you, feeling regret and wanting my baby back. Feeling demotivated. However over time- give it 3 months I realised I made the right decision. I realised that I saved my baby. Saved it from living in an overcrowded pokey flat. Saved it from having barely attention from its parents. Saved it from the hardships in life (yes life is good, but it's not good for everyone and being from poverty plus multiple siblings would not generally increase a child's chances of success). And I also realised as an ambitious person myself, I can't have high standards of living myself but set the bar so low for my existing kids and reducing the chances of their success.
All I would like to say is that as a mother you did and are still doing your best. You are thinking realistically about the wellbeing of your kids and putting their needs above your own. And that makes you one of the most wonderful and insightful mothers of them all.
P.s. if you still feel regret after 3 or 6 months you can try again. This desicion does not have to be all or end all. Also try and not do what I did which was tell a pro lifer because not only did that set me backward but it took me a long time to realise that outsiders dont really care about the outcomes of your life as much as you would, because you are living it. Outside wont care about the outcomes of your kids regardless of the descion you make because only you and hubby want what's best for your own. So please dont do what I did and care about what others think.
I hope this helped

Thank you for your kind support. I was really thinking this was the best realistic decision, although I knew that when you are not that determined for abortion there is a serious likelihood that you will regret it for your whole life and this will haunt you. I don t know what or how I was thinking about. Like I wanted to prove myself I can be strong enough.
It hurts that I didn't wait to give myself a break before getting pregnant. Eventhough I don't know if I would have reacted the same way.
For sure I feel I did my worst here.

Thank you for sharing your story. It s so hopeful you feel well with your decision now.
The thing is that we planned our life the past years as if we would have three kids. We have been looking for a new bigger house for two years (for three kids), despite the fact that we hadn't t found yet. I was saving clothes, toys etc for our next baby. The last days my husband was trying more to find a solution to move home to convince me. He tried so much. These things are not important but you can imagine how difficult it is now. It is as this baby had always some space in our life and when it came I destroyed everything. I feel so empty now. Maybe I found some healing in the future as you but you know how big it seems now.
I haven t discussed about it with anyone except our close family. I don t feel any friend would show real interest. I felt so lonely to this procedure.

I think I I destroyed my husband' s trust to me and he would be afraid to try anymore. I feel him. He is right. But it hurts. Additionally he is 47y and feels cannot stick with it anymore. He is angry even to discuss about it at the time.
Sorry for all this and thank you again.

@ella90ella you have to trust yourself that you made the right desicion. As mothers we do know what to expect when we fall pregnant and ultimately only you and hubby will know whether your family can thrive with another child. You know your resources, income and commitments.
As a mother its about knowing our limits too in order for our existing kids to survive. You say that you feel tired already- having another child would mean that you would be permanently burnt out and would not be able to give your best self to your kids. Also you need to consider age, the more older we get the more worn out we become and the higher the chances of having a child with additional needs. Can you family adapt if that happens?
Your choice was based on love, love for your family, your kids and love for your baby, knowing that you couldnt give what it deserved and needed at this time

I am so sorry, OP, for your situation 🙏 I too think you would benefit from counselling. I'm so sorry 🙏💐

@Neetra30 I don' t know if I was led by fear or by aknowledgment of my limits to this decision. My husband says that I just didn't t want it that much and all what I reasoned was just excuses to make it easier in my mind. It makes it difficult that it wasn't t unexpected and that my husband insisted on keeping it too.
What you wrote above is exactly what I was thinking of. Luckily we have two healthy kids with no additional needs, but what if this didn't t happen this time. I see that this is something all mothers are anxious about. It may not happen but what if. All these thoughts were mixed in my mind.
Sometimes I think that giving siblings to your kids is the best gift, which is not compared to anything else. I know that because I had no siblings and I wanted to create a big family.

I was very angry with myself that I was not that happy with this baby as with the other kids before. This baby did not reserve these feelings of unsureness. But I still accuse myself that i was led by convenience. My husband, I'm sure, thinks the same. I know that if it was born i would never regret it too. It s something else how my limits would be affected.
Thank you so much for your support. At least I see there are people there outside who have faced the same worries. I hope one day I feel a bit relieved as you now.

I hope so. I have to face my choices and see deep in them.

I'm sorry but I won't be as kind as everyone else.

Yes, your hormones and anxiety played a part but you would still have had rational thought, which is highlighted in your post. You know you could have dealt with a new baby, you're both financially stable etc, you both would have loved this baby so why did you do it? You can't do anything about it now but I completely understand why your husband is being the way he is, and why he doesn't want to try again - what if you change your mind and abort another baby?

I don't mean to come across as harsh, get some therapy and learn to live with this decision.

I think you have to put thoughts of a 3rd baby far from your mind for a long time..

Wait a while, get over this, get used to the new normal getting back to work for a while, look after yourself, talk to someone. When you are feeling much better think about longer term if you want a 3rd baby or not.

Honestly I don’t understand this very well. I am very much people bodies peoples choice but you tried for a baby and then decided to abort now want to try again. You need to try and work out what you definitely want before even thinking about potentially getting pregnant again. You can’t risk keep on going backwards and forwards on something like this.

Yeah I don’t get this’s I also appreciate it’s your body your choice but your husband is not unreasonable to be really upset by it and not want to discuss trying again.

I'm so sorry. This is a loss and let yourself feel sad and grieve what could have been. Just because it feels bad doesn't mean that it was the wrong choice though. You spent time thinking about it and your reasons were valid.

You will also be experiencing a massive hormonal crash right now, having gone from pregnant to not pregnant (unlike with a miscarriage were there is usually a slow decline in hormone levels) and it will probably take a few months to settle. This will be making you feel like you want a baby too. Basically your mind won't be your own until your hormones go back to normal, so don't make any hasty decisions.

I hope you find strength through this time. Be kind to yourself.