MIL boundaries?

[kuromipal]

DP and I are expecting our first baby together in September. I have a 17 year old DS from my previous marriage.

Our DD will be DP’s first grandchild. It’s very exciting for them, and I am equally so excited for them too. However, I am finding DP’s Mum a little overbearing and I am not quite sure how to handle it because she’s a lovely woman.

A few examples of the overbearing behaviour…
• She messages me daily to talk about the baby.
• She buys many different second hand items for her own home for the baby. She’s buying nursery furniture, clothes, nappies, wipes, toiletries etc! This is despite us not visiting them very often (once a fortnight / month) and letting her know we won’t be leaving the baby overnight for the first 6 months to a year.
• We’ve asked her to stop buying baby clothes because our DD has far too many. She refuses.
• Yesterday, she sent DP a Father’s Day card from “the bump” and wrote a message inside as though it was from our DD. Bear in mind, I had already given him a card and token gift to celebrate Father’s Day with him.
• She tells me often that this is the little girl she has always dreamed of having and that she was disappointed to be having son’s when she had DP and his brother, although she loves them a lot.
• She wants to meet up quite a lot and wanted to invite the entire family to the baby shower next month.
• If I show interest in an event after DD’s due date, she will immediately book time off work to care for DD despite not asking for details or whether we are definitely going.
• She’s a bit competitive with my Mum and makes comments about things my Mum writes on Facebook.
• She has booked two weeks off around DD’s due date to come help me, which isn’t something I want! If I needed help, I’d prefer to have my own Mum there.

Right now, I know she means well and is excited, but I have a feeling that boundaries are going to need to be set with her. Sometimes, the way she speaks makes me feel like I am the surrogate for her long awaited daughter, and it makes me want to back away.

I suppose I am coming here for some advice/support regarding how to navigate this situation.

Thank you!

This is something your DH is gonna have to nip in the bud now. He needs to go along the lines of ‘we know you’re really excited but it’s our first child together too so we need to work on our own timescales, we’ll keep you posted’

Lots of people will come along to tell you your mother in law is an interfering bitch and you should not give her feelings any attention. You’ve said you’d rather not have her help but want your own mum’s so doubtless your MIL has reason to believe that she will only be a bit player in her granddaughter’s life. How sad, poor woman. This isn’t all about you but so many young women these days appear to believe it is, if nothing else you should consider your daughter who will very likely benefit from the love this nice lady hopes to lavish on her.
Of course you can have boundaries, hopefully reasonable ones but favouring one set of grandparents over another without good justification isn’t reasonable.
If you can find it in your heart to sit and talk to her about how she can help you alongside your own mother then I suspect she’ll relax a bit, at the moment she’s worried that she’s going to be sidelined and is trying to do everything in her limited power to avoid that.
I am the mother of sons and they both have families, I have a wonderful relationship with both of my DILs; try thinking of someone other than yourself and having a little compassion and you too can enjoy a similarly happy, respectful and mutually loving relationship with your in laws.