Abortion Regret

[por1993]

I recently got a termination. I am 31 years old. My partner is 20 years older than me and he said to me that he would support me whatever I decided but he didn’t want a child. I was so torn as the idea of being a single parent was so scary for me although I would have had the support of my family. I couldn’t decide for weeks and I always wanted a child but once I told my parents they were really upset as he is older. I also thought about the child having an older father. I said I would keep it and the father had a little breakdown saying he was too old. So I couldn’t go through with it and I terminated, although I instantly regretted it.
I was so upside down I went into a state of panic and just wanted the baby back. I was so upset and the father kept said we shouldn’t have terminated (after I had done it although when I said I would keep it he said he didn’t want a child) so I spoke to him after and asked if we could have another and he has said absolutely no way is he having a child now.
I’ve left him now but he keeps saying ‘we shouldn’t have got a MA but we aren’t having any more and he has lost me now and he is really upset’. I said then let’s have one and he says no.
I feel so messed up that I did the wrong thing.

He knows I’ve always wanted children and I feel like my chance has gone now. I had my baby there and now I don’t. But there were other pressures, he drinks and I know that won’t change either. I know I was probably being silly asking for another but it made me realise what I wanted. He said he loves me and would do anything for me but absolutely no children. So I’ve now left.

You’ve made the right decision to end the relationship, heal and find someone your own age. You will have the chance again.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like an incredibly hard situation. You've absolutely made the right decision to leave this man.

you did the right thing leaving him, find someone your own age and have a child with them. Hes right 51 is to old to be having a baby.

I'm really sorry. He said he would support you whatever you did then it sounds as if he manipulated you into doing what he wanted.

You have done the right thing ending it. He is not a nice man.

This ^^

Give yourself time

My husband and I are having a baby. She's due in 3 months. He will be 50 and I will be 45. It isn't the age, it's the individual.

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling this. Perhaps this experience was to show you that this man child isn't right for you. He didn't want a child, perfectly his right to say so but the head fuck he's put on you is immature and selfish.

Stay out of the relationship. Look after yourself. With the right person, you will have your family. This person wasn't it.

I think it’s because he keeps saying we made the wrong decision but no more children. He said he wishes I said we were just keeping it and he had no other choice. But when I ask if we should try again he says no way.

You are young. Given that, then this should not be your last chance to have a baby.

Your “partner” sounds like the wrong person for you in so many ways - much older so probably not wanting the same things in life as you ( and would probably leave all child-related things to you if you DID have a baby); a drinker that you say you know won’t change- my goodness, you’ve had a lucky escape there then!; and worst of all, someone who is now BLAMING you for having a termination when you did it because of HIS wishes, when he should be doing everything in his power to comfort you at a time when you are feeling sad and low.

You have done the right thing leaving him. Do not be tempted to go back. He has much more to gain from your going back to him than you do. You are worth so much more than wasting your young life on what sounds like a middle-aged yet immature, bullying heavy drinker. I’m saying this to you as the mother of children aged 30 and 34, and I would say the very same to them if they found themselves in a similar situation. Be kind to yourself, shelve the blame, and look forward to your future.

I’m just upside down because I feel like I’ve now lost my chance. I should have been stronger and kept the baby but I wasn’t. He says I should have kept it and we could have been happy but when I ask him for another one he says no.

You're only 31.. you have plenty of time to find someone else who wont be playing mind games especially with children.

Theres no point in staying if you want children and he doesnt.

His point in saying 'you should have kept it and we would have been happy' is a way to keep you under his control and make you feel awful about terminating.

Take this time to heal from it and move on, you'll find someone else around your age who will love to have children with you and treat you so much better.

You haven’t lost your chance. You did the right thing then. Dont get back with him.

I hadn’t even met my husband when I was 31!
Eventually had my daughter when I was 40.
She is my best friend (along with DH). I have never regretted having a child at 40, I was a far cooler mum than the younger mums of daughters friends.
You haven’t lost your chance, you have seen the holes in you relationships and now have the impetus to move on and find a decent partner with the same life goals as yourself.

His point in saying 'you should have kept it and we would have been happy' is a way to keep you under his control and make you feel awful about terminating.

I agree with this completely!!! My first thought was he is saying that so you carry the guilt and dont resent him (because essentially, from what I have read in your posts, he did manipulate you into making the decision).

I think you are right to leave the relationship and move on. I had my last baby when I was older that you and also many friends of mine have had babies late 30s early 40s. You definitely still have time, with the right partner.

I know that you regret having an abortion but it was the right thing to do. Your 31 and your now ex boyfriend is 51. After you found out you were pregnant he said I don't want a baby and you had an abortion as you did not want to be a single mother.

He wanted a younger girlfriend and being honest probably wanted you to be there when he needed care in time. He did not want a baby because he would no longer be first in your life and it would disrupt his own life far to much.
You also said he drinks and being honest many male heavy drinker's just keep drinking more, don't eat properly, avoid going to the doctor's and end up multiple health issues. Then they have money for drinking but not for kids clothes and shoes.

Your boyfriend then said after you had an abortion that you should not have done this but when you asked him to try for another baby he said he was to old.

You did what was best for you at the current time. You don't want a child with a man who does not want one. Neither do you want to be a single mother and fighting with the CMS to get money from a poor father.

You ended things with him and it was the right thing to do. Your at different life stages and you want different things. At 31 you have time to meet a man around your own age and who wants kid's. Don't go back to him because he won't change his mind. You need to give yourself some time, do the freedom program so you spot the signs to avoid in men and then look for a man around your own age.

It’s easy to say you shouldn’t have done something when it can’t be undone, it’s a cowards way out.

Your partner sounds awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I went through something very similar with an ex partner. I found out I was pregnant when our son was 13 months old. I wanted to keep, but he wasn't supportive. So I terminated as my mum did not support mine and my ex's relationship and could not do it on my own. I then was labelled all sorts of horrible names and was instantly filled with regret.

That was 12 years ago and I look back on that time with a lot of peace, knowing it was the right decision. I've now got other children with a new partner who is supportive towards his children. My ex? In prison and hasn't seen our son since he was 15 months old.

Sending you lots of love, please message me if you need to x

Thank you for all of your replies.
I am completely broken at the minute. He said that he won’t have any more children and that as much as it is breaking his heart he won’t waste my future or me having a child so he will let me go.
I feel like that was my chance of happiness but because of a lot of factors and me not thinking straight I got the abortion. He told me it was completely my choice and would support me however when I said I’d keep it he said he doesn’t want children and he is too old.
Now I feel like I’ve missed my chance to have a child and have happiness because he told me after it that he should have been stronger and told me to keep it, or he wishes I told him I was keeping it and we would have got on with it.

I just don’t know how I can get past this, I’m full of regret over the abortion and now I’m upset over the loss of the relationship albeit he probably isn’t right for me.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It is hard to see when you are in the middle of it, but you have absolutely done the right thing leaving him and you certainly haven’t missed your chance. Take lots of care of yourself, things will get better xxx