Pregnant with no.4 and DH just diagnosed with cancer - don’t know where to start

[gobsmackedmumof3]

Evening all
Not even sure what I’m doing posting tbh but feel like my head’s about to explode and need to get it out somewhere

So, I’m 17 weeks with DC4 (was a surprise but a happy one in the end) and today we found out DH has cancer. Been poked and scanned and we were hoping for something minor, but nope – proper cancer, might need surgery and chemo. Consultant was talking about “aggressive” which is not a word you ever want to hear

Kids are 9, 6 and 3, all completely oblivious of course. We’ve not told anyone yet, feels like we’re still in a bit of shock. My brain’s bouncing between how are we going to cope with the practical side of it all (school runs, hospital appts, money etc) and then just wanting to curl up and sob

He’s trying to put a brave face on but I can tell he’s scared. And I’m scared too. And guilty. Because I’m pregnant and knackered and feel like I’m not strong enough for this

Just wondering if anyone’s been through anything similar. Or has any words of wisdom. Or even just a handhold

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks if you read this far x

I’m so sorry to hear this, it must be such a shock obviously. Really huge emotions that are hard to even put into words. I’ve had my share of scares so I have some familiarity with how huge it will feel…my hand is reaching out to you. One day at a time. One step at a time. X

Oh OP I'm so sorry, terrifying for you both. One of my best friends had a serious diagnosis a couple of years ago and it's been awful, surgery, radiotherapy, chemo, the works. It's been very hard at times but they're out the other side now, building back to health. It will be an awful juggle but accept every offer of help going and ask for anything you need from family and friends. Biggest hand hold over here (five days into my H leaving us kids 6 and 8, know the feeling of shock and terror but of course nothing to compare).

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this OP. You must be very overwhelmed so try and take each day as it comes. Tell family and friends so they can rally round and help. Sending big hugs x

I'm really sorry that you're both in this situation, it really sucks and it's okay to feel everything at once.

Practically there's no much you can do yet and I'd advise not to stress about things like school runs, work etc. as that is just stuff you face day to day as you need to. It's okay that your overwhelmed, and thinking about this stuff will fill an already overwhelmed mind to insanity.

Let him know it's okay to be scared, let him know men can be upset (a lot of men feel they have to be brave because theyre male) and if he has questions tell him to write them down straight away so he can go back to them when he's ready.

And stay away from Google, it really is not your friend in these circumstances.

Thanks so much for the replies already, honestly means a lot

Feel like we’re stuck in some weird dream, like this can’t be happening?? One minute I’m moaning about heartburn and chasing after the toddler, next minute we’re talking oncology and treatment plans

I keep looking at the kids thinking how the hell are we gonna tell them. Eldest is quite switched on and will know something’s up straight away. Youngest won’t get it at all

Just feel like the bottom’s fallen out of everything. Keep telling myself loads of people go through this and get through the other side but right now it’s just all too much. Pregnancy hormones not helping either – crying at every bloody thing

Appreciate all the handholds and kind words. Feel less alone already x

As someone who has personal experience of cancer and surgery, chemo and radio and young kids, you can do this and you can get through. It’s not nice or pleasant and they’ll be tears (yours, his, the kids) and too much tv and parent-guilt induced ice cream but you can do it.

My words of wisdom are as follows:
The initial stages are the worst - you are worried and it’s most uncertain. It mentally gets easier when you have a treatment plan and can get on with trying to deal with it. Focus on the next step and not the journey - the whole thing is overwhelming but one step at a time is do-able.

Kids in general take their lead from you. Tell them directly and simply. Focus on the next step - don’t overwhelm them with your anxiety about the end to end process.

Financially, do you have any critical illness policies or private health care, does your husband have sick pay and what are the terms? Try and pull this information together so you can understand where you are at financially.

lean into family, friends, school parents to help with pick up and drop off. People often want to help but don’t know how so are often pleased if you give them jobs to do - be it helping with a pick up, making a freezer meal or taking you to an appointment rather than DH. Don't be afraid to ask and be specific! The more kids can maintain their extra curricular etc the move stability they will feel.

Tell school / nursery as they can look out for kids and kids up on their reactions.

It’s completely rubbish. You are going to be upset. He is going to be upset. Find your people to talk to - whether it’s friends, a therapist or a helpline.

There’s lots of cancer support out there - MacMillan are the backbone - see here for the support they provide - https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help?sc_camp=970C6EDF35E54314AC7E65656E4A746A

Good luck!

So sorry for what you and your husband are going through. I echo what the poster said above about MacMillan being the main support source.

So sorry to hear this and you will be reeling. That’s completely normal. some really good advice already. In due course you might find the company fruit fly helpful - they are for people parenting with cancer and have loads of resources and webinars
also mummy’s star is about cancer when you’re pregnant/a parent - not sure if they also have support for partners of people with cancer but might be worth a look?
pls take care of yourself too when you can and just do things one step at a time xx