I need some encouragement

[Picklesandpears]

I’ve nc’d for this because I feel like an idiot.

I am pregnant and burying my head in the sand. I’ve had lots of previous issues - neonatal death, miscarriage and tfmr last year so I know why I am being this way (and have had lots of counselling over the years although should probably have more).

I had a private scan last week which shows I am 11 weeks tomorrow and have been taking folic acid. I also had the nipt done.

But I am mentally struggling to do anything else. I can’t bear the thought of another booking appt where I have to go through dd’s death in detail again. I know I will be told off for leaving it so late. Picking up the phone and speaking to someone feels impossible.

I'm very sorry to read about your daughter's death. And your many other losses.
Of course you're ambivalent about getting your booking appointment sorted out. That's completely understandable.

I’m sorry for your losses, OP. Not at all difficult to understand why you’d dread the booking appointment. I think you’re about the right time to have your booking appointment, though? Certainly no midwife in his or her right mind would ‘tick you off’? I would be very clear about your needs upfront and ask for anything you can think of that will help you. For instance, won’t there be ample records on the system — is it really necessary for you to have to recount it all over again?

I did my booking in late as we weren’t sure if we were keeping the baby. I squirmed a bit when the midwife asked why it was so late. It the end it was fine and I was glad when it was over - it’s such a long appointment isn’t it?!?

Fully understand how difficult this must be for you. Make sure you take all the support you need including taking someone with you to the booking in appointment. You could always write things out in advance and give these to the midwife or use them as notes for yourself. Be kind to yourself and take your time.

Oh OP I think you need to give yourself a break. It’s understandable why you’ve been putting if off. Can you self refer? On my self referral there was a box to add notes. You could write it in there so the midwife is aware.

Im So sorry for you losses! I have been through similar miscarriage last year and neonatal death of my twins this January, my consultant at the time has given me a letter that explains what happened to my girls could you get in touch with the nicu or someone who looked after you to get a letter rather than you having to explain?

You are all so kind. Even reading these responses is making me teary! Pregnancy makes me more of an emotional wreck than normally..!

I can self refer, and it would be to the hospital that know me and the history well. Despite this, with both the mc and tfmr I had to go through everything in painful detail. It’s in my notes, and dd was treated and died at the hospital but they still want to know every detail. Without giving specifics, it was an unusual case and for that reason, drs and midwives want to know all the details (of the pregnancy, delivery and what happened afterwards).

I am wondering if I would be frowned upon to email the consultant who dealt with my case last year. She did say she would manage my care but I am nervous to be seen to trying to skip the normal process.

I think you should do absolutely anything that you feel will make the process easier for you.

Did you have a bereavement midwife previously you can contact? I found them amazing. They arranged all my appointments for me ( I had a lot of early scans because of my history) and although I still had to do the booking appointment, they spoke to the midwife previously so they were prepped and know what I was comfortable and uncomfortable with talking about. They were also present for alot of my holiday appointments (as they were based out of the consultant area)

@Picklesandpears i would email your consultant, I know what you mean about feeling like your skipping a step! But do what you need to do! And like a PP said if you had a Bereavment nurse or midwive speak to them
too I’m certain they will be able to help!

That’s a thought @SJM1988 - I could contact the bereavement midwives. I don’t really know them (only saw they when they talked through the tfmr and then phoned to give the genetic testing results), but they were lovely. I will see if I have an email for them.

I found that if the bereavement midwifes organised things there seemed to be more sensitivity around my appointments. I didn't really know them that well as I had my TFMR at Oxford not locally but they were still always happy to help when I get to needing appointments etc. I had a still birth followed by 2 MMC then finally my DD so had alot of interaction with them in my last pregnancy