anxiety? hormones? beginnings of ante-natal depression? WTF is going on?

[berolina]

Hi all.
Am now 20+5 with my planned, longed-for and wanted first baby/second pregnancy after early mc in July. So far everything has been absolutely fine apart from my sometimes acute anxiety that I would miscarry/waters will break early/he will die in the womb etc. I go through phases of feeling really good and even starting to feel something approaching confident about the pregnancy. Then I swing right back down, pick fights with dh, am obsessed with hygiene (my theory being that you only need to make one tiny slip to end up with toxo/listeria etc.) and also go through phases of feeling really really tired, despite having had a physically easy pregnancy so far and being slap bang in the middle of the 'blooming' phase... Today I've already done all of the above and ended up sobbing hysterically - my dh asked me if I wanted breakfast and I just thought 'how can I possibly want breakfast or anything else in the world apart from to have our baby safely - and we've still got so long to go and anything could go wrong and maybe he's died in me from all the stress and arguments' - and after that my thoughts dissolved into a series of blubs. Am worried as I want baby to be happy in me and also to retain some sanity - I'm the only earner and work as a lecturer with a huge teaching load so am constantly in contact with students and the focus of attention, so I really do have to pull myself together very much at work and don't want to spend all of my non-work time in pieces due to the strain. Does anyone have any ideas as to what this might be? Is it just my anxiety (which I have posted on before) going through a really bad phase and getting the better of me, or could I be a little depressed? If anyone's experienced something similar I would be so glad to hear of any experiences and indeed coping strategies. (Feeling calmer now already for having written this). Sorry for rambling and thank you.

HI berolina, I was really anxious when I was pregnant with dd as my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I found it really stressful and was worried all the time that it moight happen again. I think its perfectly normal to feel like this but if you are worried or your anxiety is adversly affecting your work or home life then speak to your midwife or gp. Haven't read your previous threads but if you already suffer from high levels of anxiety then I expect its likely to be that causing the problems rather than depression but do ask your midwife for help - loads of pregnant women worry. Also, I know from my battles with anxiety that one of the main symptoms for me is the feeling of my heart beating really hard and fast. Since it is normal for your heart rate and blood pressure to be slightly raised during pregnancy this may be adding to the sensation of anxiety.{{{hugs}}}

Forgot to say that of course your hormones are going to be all over the place too which can explain the moodswings.

I'm not sure it is absolutely 'normal' to feel this frightened and anxious - not that it's abnormal or anything or that you are doing anything wrong, and I'm sure having m/c makes this harder, but more that you might not have to accept these feelings as OK as it sounds as if it is making you really unhappy and stressed. Have you had a chat with your GP/midwife and really explained how you feel? A mumsnetter (Rhubarb) who suffered from ante-natal depression (v common apparently) has a website about it which you might find useful - maybe if you archive search her name and depression could could find it - or I'm sure someone will come along and find it for you! Good luck.

Berolina I can totally understand anxiety, didn't have mc but after 4 yrs of trying for baby we had IVF. I had similar thoughts to you and became totally unreasonable to DH. I really think I had ante-natal depression tried to deal with it on own, but should have gone to doctors really as I then had bad PND for first few weeks, altough I must say I directed it mainly at DH felt like he just didn't understand how important baby is... thinks that's quite normal. Just remember in a few months you'll have your lovely baby in your arms.

i remember when i was preg and every single morning, from 6 months onwards, when i woke up i had to check my belly to make sure the baba was inside me - really strange !

Thank you everyone. Feeling a bit better for having had some (yes) breakfast and got some work done, but still pretty drained and anxious, keep stopping what I'm doing to see if I can feel baby move, but he doesn't seem very active today, which only makes it worse.
aloha - I'm the last person who would mind you wondering if my feelings are not quite normal. I suppose, no I know they're probably not. I've been through a fair bit of unsettling stuff over the last 4, 5 years and some of this is a hangover from that - it's like a response of someone who's used to having things go wrong (not saying that in self-pity, more in analysis of the situation). My biggest fear is certainly (of course) something going wrong, and above all there's fear of being to blame for it myself. I know this won't stop once he's here either, so I suppose I should be getting used to it and learning how to handle it.

I was in floods of tears every day of my pregnancy - it was unplanned, unwanted (by me) and I felt I had to 'keep up appearances' of an excited mummy to be. Ooh, did I mention that I went to live overseas at 3mo pregnant?

I think these anxious feelings are normal, in some women, but it doesn't necessarily mean you should be tagged as depressed. However, it is impt that you can find someone to lean on and talk/vent freely.

oops, DS screaming.

hope everything goes well

berolina, I was exactly the same. I so wished that I could glide blissfully through the pregnancy but simply could not. and ds never really moved about much which only compounded my anxiety. Like you, I also worried that my anxiety would affect the baby, etc. i have always been a bit of a worrier so wasn't entirely surprised that it happened that way.

Here is Rhubarb's website. Have a look, it is excellent.
Hugs to you {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

So sorry you feel like this Berolina. Like some people have said, not sure that it that normal to feel that bad. I had a terrible first pregnancy. I was very low, suffered terrible anxiety, cried all the time, couldn't face the world. I started doing strange things such as dh and I had to have matching crockery/cutlery at breakfast otherwise I was convinced he would die in a car crash (and beleive me at the time we were students and it was hard to find anything to match!). I think what made me worse was that all around you you are told how you should be blooming and what a wonderful experience pregnancy is, and I just didn't feel like that, and that made me feel guilty, and more anxious. I did talk to my GP in the end, and he was brilliant, he involved the HV very early and she was incredibly supportive. It wasn't until after I had my dd that I realised that ante-natal depression is not uncommon, but nobody ever told me that. Had I known I wasn't the only one I think it would have helped. I truly thought there was something awfully wrong with me and I was an unnatural mum.

I don't know if that helps at all, but I just wanted you to know that its not unnatural to not experience fantastic feelings of being pregnant. Whether it is depression, or hormonal, or anxiety, I don't know, but I do think if you can find someone to talk to about it, who will really listen, it will help.

Good luck X

berolina, I think we might have talked about this before. I feel so similar to you. I am 26 weeks now, and feel totally cheated of the "blooming" stage which I went through with ds. I don't think I have "enjoyed" or even tolerated this pg at all. I feel very low, very tearful and completely unable to cope. Yes, I remember that we have talked, cos you train teachers & I'm a teacher who trains teachers too. I went into work today, couldn't make eye contact with anyone, burst into tears & got sent home. I don't know where to go from here. You're not in the UK, are you? Here I know that I could get signed off sick and not lose pay. But it is not the money that I am concerned about. It is the fact that I do actually love my job. What I want is to be at work, doing the job I love, and doing it as well as I normally do. I hate being so rubbish at it. But this is not an option right now, so instead I am all at sea cos I don't have the ability to think straight and make sensible decisions right now. I feel the opposite to you about the safety of the baby. I eat peanut butter, salmon, soft eggs etc. cos I did everything right last time and miscarried, and I also feel so angry that I feel I have lost control over my life and my body that I am not going to follow the rules and limit my life further. I feel a lot of anger right now - I think for me it is more powerful than anxiety, actually. But then again, that is not good for being at work cos you can't really teach if you're full of anger. Rubbish, isn't it!

Thank you to all who have replied. Since yesterday have had lots of work, leg cramp worries (!) and now an in-laws crisis, nothing serious, just family squabbles.
fisil, I'm sorry you're feeling so down too at the moment . Wish I had some wise words. Maybe you could think of having to have time off in a slightly different way, i.e. think of some time off as a necessary stage to being back at work and doing your great job as well as you always do. It will clear your head and settle your emotions to the point that you'll feel able to get stuck in again. I am managing at work at the moment - it's hard but doable. Of course you're angry - things can be so bloody unfair and irrational, can't they? My way of coping with the (actual and potential) unfairness and irrationality of things is to desperately try and protect myself, while yours, at the moment, is being angry, I suppose. But look how far we've come already - and - I know I'm a fine one to say this! - we will get there in the end. ((((hugs))))

Evening everyone. How are you fisil?

Short update. Have been feeling better this week but OMG pregnancy DRAGS ON!!! And I'm only 22wks. I just want to know my little boy is going to be safe, and it's so hard just not knowing and trying not to get too excited or make too many plans 'just in case' despite my growing bump and his lovely kicks. A few nights ago I dreamt I knew he was dead and was alone in hospital waiting to go into labour . I still knicker-check every time I go to the loo for bleeding/fluid... Physically things are pretty good atm, I'm eating like a horse (? or do we just say I could eat a horse? Not being immersed in the English language (spoken by fluent speakers!!!) makes me lose these idioms etc. a bit) so I assume that means he's growing well and I really am happy about each day further I get. But it drags on! Have also started with sleeping problems (broken nights basically, waking up two or three times, to go to the loo or just randomly, and having trouble getting back to sleep), which is also running me down. But I do feel better than last week/the week before.