How to support friend with infertility while I'm pregnant

[KLRJ]

I told my best friend of 15 years who is struggling with secondary infertility that I'm pregnant with my third about 3 weeks ago now. She initially replied saying she was happy for me, but I then haven't heard from her since. We usually text constantly so in the context of our friendship this is a big deal. I've sent her a couple of messages since checking in and letting her know I'm thinking of her and that I'm not expecting a reply, but they've gone unanswered.

I struggled to conceive my first, while she had a very easy conception. I felt the need to distance myself from her at the time, so I really do understand where she's coming from. I'm devastated to think of how she must be hurting, I cried my eyes out sending the message telling her knowing how much it was going to hurt her. I'm equally terrified at the idea she may never speak to me again.

I really don't know what to do at this point. My plan at the moment is to send her a check in message every few weeks just to let her know I'm here and thinking of her, but I don't want to be pushy or make her feel worse. But I also don't want her to think for a second that she doesn't have me there while she goes through this horrible experience.

If this is something you've been through from either side before, how did you approach the situation/how would you have ideally liked a friend to act?

I was the infertile one. I will be honest and say that whilst I didn’t wish any sort of ill on my friend it felt so very unfair. I couldn’t speak to her. It took a long time. it was me not her.

i do think everyone is an individual. Some can just be happy for their friend, others want complete distance until well after the birth.

if you want to get in touch find some absolute drivel to text about, celebrity or work gossip. See if she replies. If not wait a while and try again. Rebuild communication then see if she broaches the subject.

congratulations on your pregnancy.

I’m in a similar boat. My friend and I both struggled to conceive and did ivf around the same time. We both conceived but then she lost the baby at 10 weeks. I’m now 27 weeks. I try and text her once a week to let her know I am thinking of her, but have not suggested meeting as I know my belly is triggering for her. Having suffered infertility too, I understand how hard it is. I’m just hoping once the baby is here she’ll reach out when she’s ready or the next round of ivf will work. It’s hard though to know what the right thing to do is though. I hope your friend conceives soon too ❤️‍🩹

I was in this position (secondary infertility)and to be honest I found it harder being around my friend pregnant than when she had the baby. I sort of avoided her when pregnant but when she had the baby I called around with a present and was fine. I think psychologically I just wanted to be pregnant so much and seeing and being around pregnant women hurt me a lot. I was fine once baby was born because I didn’t want my friends baby I just wanted my own if that makes sense ? I’ve heard a few people say the same as me on infertility boards maybe your friend will feel the same but everyone is different.

I think message every couple of weeks with a funny story or meme or tell her something interesting. Keep it light and don’t expect a response

Thank you everyone, it's really helpful to hear it from all your different perspectives. I think she's about to start ivf soon and having supported another friend through ivf before it breaks my heart to think of her having to go through it without being able to support her, but also totally understand that at such a difficult and emotionally charged time, the last thing she'll want is me there as another trigger. I'll take all your advice on board and will hope for the best🤞🏻