1.5 years together, both over 35 with ivf journey ahead - too soon to start?

[NervousNellie2]

My partner and I are a same-sex female couple in our mid-late 30s (I'm 34 and she's 39). We both have always wanted to start a family and we are financially in a good place - own our own home and car, plenty of savings, stable jobs etc.

We've only known each other for 1.5 years but have decided to jump in the deep end and start trying for a baby. We'll soon both be over 35 and she's almost 40, and I have gyno issues that could mean we need multiple IVF attempts, so we figured we need to try now before we miss our window for biological kids.

Normally I would never be trying for a baby this soon, so it seems a bit crazy. Are we taking a big risk in doing this? I've lost contact with most of my family so have no support from them (in childcare etc) but her family are really supportive and she's willing to be a SAHM while I would prefer to be the main earner. We have a great vision of the family unit we want to create, but we do still argue explosively every now and then, so I worry about the stress that kids will put on our relationship and if we are ready for that. I would hate for this to drive us apart and we end up with a failed relationship and kids to support.

Any advice or success stories from others who started a family a bit later in life?

It's normal for things to move a bit quicker when you meet later in life. 18 months is early, but not ridiculously so. What are your arguments about? Just silly stuff, or anything that points towards incompatiblilty?

Any plans to get married? If it was your partner writing this I would definitely tell her not to become a SAHM without getting married first.

arguments are normal in any relationship, it’s how you deal with them that’s important. Children will certainly add to your stress and will increase any existing tensions/difficulties. Again, normal but you need to be able to deal with them appropriately so that it doesn’t impact any children you have. It sounds like you’ve started some of the sensible practical conversations that are relevant when you consider having children - I’d continue doing this. Would you consider seeing a therapist to work on the conflict in your relationship? You could do this while starting fertility treatment. I don’t think 18 months is too soon given your ages but IVF is gruelling and it’s worth getting support to help you cope with the stressors and prepare for your life with children in the future. Also be prepared financially - bills can quickly run into the tens of thousands of pounds. It is a hard road but so worth it if you are both on the same page and willing to work at it together. Good luck with however you proceed.

Thanks both for your comments, it's reassuring to read :)

SilverButton - Our arguments are usually small things that escalate because we need to learn each other's communication preferences - e.g. I hate it when she shouts, swears, insults as its disrespectful, and she hates me not listening to what she's saying, etc. We both have trauma from past relationships and family relationships too, which triggers us both and sends us into spirals.

We do have plans to get married. She's ready any time and is waiting for me to feel ready to pop the question. As far as I'm concerned, we are starting a family together and that's the most permanent commitment possible so I feel 100% sure on marriage, I just want to spread out our milestones so that we aren't rushing through them and we get to enjoy them.

SERunner - I am definitely open to seeing a therapist as I have in the past, but she's not so keen - she wants us to do the work ourselves first and then see a therapist, so that we are not "hoping for the therapist to solve our problems for us".

@NervousNellie2 I am in a same sex relationship. We are married. We have been together 5.5 years, but we did start talking about children early on in our relationship. We started that journey and have been trying IVF for the last 4 and a bit years. Unfortunately not successfully, (we had one success but it led to MC).
I will say IVF is tough and has put a strain on our relationship at times, esp the roller coaster of it not working, getting your hopes up again, the hormones relating to IVF, the process itself. I don’t want to put you off, just I wish someone had given us more honest advice at the start, however I wouldn’t change anything, and even though it’s been tough and not successful so far, we absolutely wanted to try before it was too late.

If you can afford to, I’d think about 4 or 5 sessions of couples counciling before the ivf. It sounds like your ready to start trying, but IVF is hard (emotionally/physically/ financially) and whilst your arguments sound like niggles most relationships have, working out better ways of communicating and supporting each other will pay off in the long run. Wishing you the best of luck!

@Isittime1984 Thanks so much for sharing your experience, and sorry to hear it’s been a tough journey with IVF so far ❤️ It’s helpful to hear the reality of it, as of course we hope for the best but we never know. It reassures me that starting early might be the best thing for us as it could be a long road ahead. Wish you both all the best with it 🤗

@Sep88 appreciate this advice a lot! I will try to nudge my partner in this direction as I agree that having great communication foundations is an invaluable investment in the long run

I am married to a woman with two children via 2 IUI and 4 IVF cycles total, one pregnancy each.
I would suggest freezing embryos so you get the youngest possible eggs and then waiting a bit longer assumming the results are good. Retrieving the eggs and fertilising them will give you information about your fertility. See if you can set it up with agreements that each of you own your own embryos in case you go your separate ways pre-pregnancy.
The explosive rows don’t sound great though! We had an absolutely perfect relationship pre-kids and the strain is still unreal. So possibly some counselling pre-IVF as others have suggested.
She seems to be driving the speed of the relationship, is she concerned about her fertility declining?

(I don’t think the speed of the relationship is an issue in itself; we moved in together the day we got together, zero regrets 15 years later. When you are in your 30s and know what you want, and aren’t socialised to be anti-committment, this can be fine. It’s the quality of the communication rather than the speed.)

My DP and I decided to start IVF about 2.5 years into our relationship in our late 30s, but we could easily have done it earlier except that I didn't want children originally so needed the extra year to change my mind! I think you should be married or civil partners before starting the process, though, as it makes it administratively much simpler to both be official parents of any children you conceive via IVF. As a PP suggests, freezing embryos now will give you the best chance of success if you aren't sure you're ready to actually have a baby yet. You normally have to have fertility counselling as part of the process too, so it makes sense to be thinking about couples counselling too.

I hate it when she shouts, swears, insults as its disrespectful

Gosh! I don't know what to say!

Why would you want to introduce a child into this situation? I would not want a child of mine hearing this!

You need more time to adjust to each other and for her to learn some restraint and kindness before you even think of having a child.

I understand that time feels not on your side, but you have to think unselfishly here - no child needs to be brought into this.