27 weeks pregnant. Stuck between guilt and “ survival “.

[Kriszoee]

Hi all, I really need some advice or perspective—my brain is spinning in circles.

I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant, and my partner and I moved 400 miles about 6 months ago to be closer to family after a really tough few years. We’d both struggled mentally where we were due to an assault within our job, and we just wanted a fresh start before starting a family. Our baby was planned after a loss, but I must reiterate that we did NOT expect to conceive on the first month of trying and we were in a far better position 6 months ago.

We ended up moving into a 1-bed, 425 sq ft flat right in the middle of a major, busy city centre, paying £1180/month, which is now completely draining us. This was fine at the time, as I was not pregnant and as I say did not expect to be so quickly. It was supposed to be a temporary solution to be back with my family, but it’s become clear that it’s financially unsustainable. We’ve cut every corner we can, but we’re barely scraping by, can’t save, and never do anything “extra.” Every penny goes to rent and bills. Fortunately, we have managed to purchase absolutely everything for our baby without cutting corners there.

To make things harder, my partner lost his job during the move (not his fault), and since then our small business has been funding us—but only just. I left employment due to HG at 9 weeks and since then have really had to push the business to the max. Recently, he was offered his old job back, which is a great opportunity—but it comes with a catch: he’d have to start on June 30th and won’t be allowed any time off for the first 7 weeks. That means he’d miss the birth of our daughter and the first couple of weeks of my recovery from an elective c-section. I’d be alone with a newborn, and a dog, recovering from surgery, with my family still 80 miles away. The next start date is August 30th which could work, but means we will have to financially struggle for 4 more months and I won’t be able to stop
woroking at all.

Now here’s the other option:
My grandma has just moved into a new 3-bedroom home in my small birth city where i actually have more roots—lots of friends, and my family would be just 5 minutes away. She’s offered for us to move in, to save money for a new home, and get back on our feet. It would let us save at least £900/month, allow my partner to apply for jobs in his field again without feeling rushed (which is nearly impossible here—he keeps getting declined for being “overqualified”), and I’d have support.

But I feel torn.

• I feel guilty about giving up our flat, especially because it’s only just had a long list of issues resolved this week, and now we’re talking about leaving. That isn’t going to look good.
• I feel ashamed— we’re adults, having a child, and going to live with family.
• I’m worried about switching hospitals this late and what that means for my planned c-section. What if they refuse to accommodate in the new hospital?
• And I’m sad that we’d be giving up our own space and sense of “home” just before bringing our baby into the world.

Pros of moving in with my grandma:

• Save £900+ a month
• Close to family and support (5 mins away instead of 80 )
• Better job opportunities for my partner
• Better lifestyle—no longer just surviving
• Easier environment for our dog
• Friends nearby, strong community
• Emotional and physical support for birth/recovery

Cons:

• Giving up our independence and our home
• Feeling like we’re going backwards in adulthood
• My 7-year-old cousin stays with my grandma 3 nights a week
• Guilt about leaving just as the flat was fixed
• Moving stress while heavily pregnant
• Fear of family dynamics or loss of privacy
• Feel like I’m dragging my partner through instability.
• My partners family live 400 miles away and he eventually wants to live somewhere in the middle, so I feel really guilty now moving in with my family but have told him we will make regular trips to visit his family for extended periods of time.

I feel stuck between what’s emotionally hard (but logically smart), and what looks good on paper (but is draining us completely). If only I hadn’t of been in such a rush last year and waited a little while longer, we would’ve never been in this situation in the first place.

I suppose this is more a rant than anything, but any advice would be most welcome.

If I were you then I would move in with your grandma to relieve some of the financial pressure, but tell her from the outset that you are only doing this as a short term option. This is assuming you have a good relationship with her and you don't think there will be friction as a result.

@ByDreamyMintNewt I do think this is the logical option. A temporary situation for a permanent resolution. I just feel really guilty.

She does know that it will only be short term. I have lived alone for several years so this definitely isn’t my idea of fun!😆

She is very quiet, stays out of the way and is usually out most of the day, so I don’t think it will be too bad. I think the only “ problems “ would be a shared family, kitchen and bathroom.

I think ultimately you don’t really have a choice to be honest, your current situation isn’t tenable and this feels like your only way out really.

I do get why you are hesitant though, I’d have hated living with others when I was postpartum/had a newborn, I needed that space for my husband & our daughter for my own mental health and for us as a family BUT I don’t know that you have a choice here really.

FYI an employer cannot dictate that your husband cannot take statutory paternity leave in the first 7 weeks.

@Mrsttcno1 Not sure either, would be almost impossible to move later if we chose to stay now. Would take years of saving.

Luckily the house is very big, I definitely wouldn’t be able to do this if the house wasn’t a decent size. I know that my grandma would not involve herself or cross boundaries, she stays out of the way.

Unfortunately in this situation, they can. It is the prison service, of which we have both worked in for a number of years. Because he has relocated to a new establishment, he has to redo the mandatory training which is 5 days per week, for 7 weeks. No time off for any reason is allowed within that period & failure to comply will result in termination. It’s really backwards, but the service in general is.