Feeling bad after telling family about miscarriage

[Whoknowstheanswer]

I was an older 'to be' mum. First pregnancy, 43 yo. Went to my 12 week scan 2 weeks ago to find baby had died measuring 9 weeks 5 days. I hadn't told anyone but my partner about the pregnancy. My SIL was a week or 2 ahead of me. Their pregnancy announced at 7 weeks. They are younger (31). I decided to wait until both scans done to announce our pregnancy. Unfortunately their scan was bad (baby not formed properly) and they had to abort (they were told if survives pregnancy will live hrs to days). So I didn't announce. Then after our scan and finding our baby had died I felt I couldn't say anything without taking attention away from their pain. Anyway this week I felt I couldn't keep faking 'under the weather' as I miscarried. I told my mum. She had been so supportive of My bro and SIL with their loss. Sending gifts, calls, telling them how they were great parents etc. When I told her mine she said she was sorry to hear it but not surprising given my age. I can't help but feel bitter about that comment. I don't think she meant anything by it. I just feel deeply hurt and like my pain is invalid because of my age. Has anyone been in a similar situation? It makes me want to avoid all interaction right now. She called tonight and I declined the call. I am hurt. Am I being unreasonable?

You are of course not being unreasonable. I'm really sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are definitely not being unreasonable to feel hurt by her comment and reaction.

YANBU. That was a pretty heartless thing to say. I'm not surprised you declined her call and are feeling hurt. Your age has nothing to do with it. Sending you a big hug.

Yanbu. I'm so sorry, that scan must have devasted you. Your mum didn’t need to say that.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Grief and pain don't care about miscarriage statistics - of course you're devastated. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Do you think you could explain clearly to your mum how her comment has made you feel?

This sounds hugely upsetting, I’m so sorry for your loss and then this reaction on top x

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely not being unreasonable: telling someone it's "not surprising" they had a miscarriage is a horrendous thing to say. I'd be so upset by something like that. It's devastating to go through a loss let alone to face such a lack of empathy 💕

You are not being unreasonable. That is awful and cruel.

I’m so sorry. I would contact your SIL and help each other

Ugh my mum said something stupid like “it’s good it happened as there was obviously something wrong with it” oh no shit Sherlock . Sorry for your loss. Mums can be crap

Gosh this is horrible
A loss is a loss regardless of your age. So sorry OP I hope you get your rainbow baby if that is what you want and choose with your partner.

I was miscarrying as my grandfather reached the final stages of cancer and died. Family couldn't understand why I didn't visit to say goodbye. Family couldn't be there for me as they were busy caring for him.

Sometimes the timing means you don't get the support you would hope for.

People often also say the wrong thing about miscarriage. I suspect your mum meant that sadly this does happen in 30% of pregnancies, and is more likely when you're older, so there's no reason and nothing to blame yourself for or feel guilty about. (Which we often do after such losses). Don't forget that your hormones will currently be really messed up just now too, which can make you respond differently to things.

Your pregnancy was just as real as your SILs and I'm sorry for your loss. You can get good advice from the Miscarriage Association if you need to talk your feelings through with someone who isn't family.https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Sorry for your loss. YANBU.
It’s a horrible process to go through and speaking from experience it can cause so much pain and hurt.

I really hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way, but it’s important to acknowledge that age can increase the risk of miscarriage as you know. I just want to gently highlight that this might be something to be emotionally prepared for, and I know it’s different from what your sister experienced. I’m so sorry—it’s just a difficult reality, and it’s completely understandable if you need time to process it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through 2 miscarriages at 42 and felt like some people felt like I should have expected it and that given my age I don’t get a lot of sympathy at work for example. It is the worst thing I’ve ever been through and if my mother had said it was unsurprising I don’t know what I would do …. You are not being unreasonable and you deserve a full apology.

Sorry why did you not expect it at 42? Did it not cross your mind at all when ttc? I don’t mean this in a horrible way and I am truly sorry for your losses.

I think the problem is in the word "expect": you can know something is possible and be prepared it might happen, but to be told you should have "expected" it can sound like they're saying it was inevitable, and that of course you were going to lose it, which can really diminish what you're going through. A loss is devastating, sometimes even more so when you're older and know you have fewer chances. Responses from family and colleagues about it being "expected' just show a total lack of empathy for what someone is going through

It didn’t occur to me as I had two children previously and never had a problem. I think a lot of people who have incredibly easy pregnancies and healthy kids don’t understand what can happen. It’s the oh that couldn’t happen to me mentality. I didn’t know about miscarriages / still births other than stories of how it happens to other people but no detail whatsoever. I also got to 12 weeks and 20 weeks with not a single symptom of badness. So yes it was absolutely unexpected. If I got pregnant again I would expect tragedy every day - now the hopeful innocence is gone.

And I wasn’t trying - thought it was meant to be.