Work Anxiety over being off for miscarriage. HELP!

[LillianLily]

Hi guys,

So four weeks ago I found out I was having my second miscarriage in 9 months. It took 7 months to conceive again after last year so pretty devastating. I went to a scan and there was the beginnings of a fetal pole but not where it should have been for 7 weeks, had to then wait two weeks to get the confirmation scan that yes there was no development. So I came back in to the unit this past Monday and got the medication to help with a miscarriage, nothing has happened and am waiting on going back into the unit today or tomorrow to get a scan and more medication. Failing the success of this, I may end up going back into hospital next week.

Couple of issues that I am dealing with that makes it all confusing and is driving my anxiety.

1. I have a bicornuate womb which is almost in two so I never miscarry naturally, it all gets stuck.
2. I can't get a D&C because last time I did the shape of my womb caused a perforation in my said uterus and bowel
3. I have been off two weeks already, last week I had a total mental breakdown and having already worked in the office two weeks after knowing I was miscarrying whilst still being sick and having sore boobs I said to hell with it, it I will work from home, bosses were ok, didn't say much.
4. I am working from home, but if things don't go well this week I might need to be off next week as well which will be three weeks away from the office, I was off three weeks last year as well as the medication for the miscarriage went the same way as right now.

So my question is, I am working from home still on my emails and I even did court cases on Wednesday. Am I unreasonable to take another week off, I have such anxiety to be away from work as I am the manager, although the guys are pretty self sufficient and I am in contact with them. I have had to email a couple of times as things weren't going the way they should be and my bosses have said to take care of myself, but I feel like there is a limit especially as I was off three weeks last time only 9 months ago.

My husband and mother keep saying you need to take as much time as you need, and that I shouldn't be working even. But anyone with workplace anxiety like me knows it would be worse to not work. Also it is like a few emails in the morning and a few in the afternoon.

So if anyone has been in this boat, should I take another week WFH, should I take annual leave even though I would have to take my last remaining days for the year?

I'm sorry for you losses. I had two miscarriages in 6 months last year.
The second one I had a 4 weeks off with hyperemesis. I did return to work the day I lost the pregnancy but I had been in a similar position too you and had known for 3 weeks that it was highly unlikely to be successful. I continued to work from home for another 2 weeks and then had Christmas. I was out of the office for 8 weeks in total.
Work were really supportive although I have since been made redundant but this sick leave wasn't a factor. My position had two core aspects and as part of the restructure it was switched to one aspect and the three of us that were more proficient at the other aspect were made redundant keeping the three who were already mostly in the area retained.

In your position I think I would take another week of WFH and maybe book a couple of days annual leave too. Being sofa bound whilst going through all those scans only able to colour and watch teen dramas helped my mind slowly process the loss and I coped easier with this loss than the first loss where I was mostly trying to keep a normal life.

Thank you @Superscientist and I'm sorry for your losses too. Currently sitting watching Catfish, sporadically answering emails so I'm trying to take stock as best I can.

I think I just think too much into what work think of me and I know I work hard even when I'm not physically there. It's a good office although all men so it's hard to explain what's going on and why I need this time at home. I've gone into some details but it's my own personal business as well, so it's a balance.

I'll have a think over what I do but it does depend on the unit calling me back today and what plans they come up with.

I have a bicornate/septate/didelphic uterus (depends on which doctor you ask...) and both my miscarriages cleared without intervention, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that this one clears without you having to go through any further trauma. You poor thing.

Can't help with work but just sending solidarity for a very difficult time.

I am so sorry you're going through this! We had a very similar experience with our first 2 pregnancies. I would take more time if I were you. I ended up taking a total of 3 weeks following my 2nd loss. 2 immediately after, and 1 when I required a follow-up surgery for retained tissue.

I had surgical management with my first and medical with my second. Unfortunately that wasn't very successful and I ended up retained tissue and needed a follow-up surgery. I was then diagnosed with a septate uterus at that time and told it was too risky for them to operate via ultrasound alone and when conservative management didn't work, I had to wait a few extra weeks for hysteroscopy. Hence the 3rd week off. Is that something you could also bring up? It's more involved on their end, but my consultants said it was the best option for women with congenital uterine defects.

Thank you, I will definitely ask about that, I am keen to try anything that would work!

I work in HR. Get signed off. You are not fit for work.

I went back to work too early after my first 2 miscarriages because I felt worried about work, my team, my boss, who was picking up my stuff, and it set back my recovery, I think by years.

When I handed my notice in I was replaced within a fortnight. I wish I had cared less about what they thought about me, and put my focus on getting better, mentally as well as physically.

I agree with @AllThePotatoesAreSinging when I was made redundant I left the same day and wasn't even asked what I was currently working on. Your loyalty should be to yourself and no one else!

If it's a bit of hope, I'm now 18 weeks pregnant, and conceived a few weeks after my last miscarriage!

I needed to read this today. Recovering from my surgical management (4 hours ago) and reading work emails stressing about my work piling up, and the judgement and resentment I'll face from my team if they need to cover it. I feel physically sick with anxiety about it. But I also can't face going back yet, I feel so broken. I went back far far too soon after my first miscarriage and felt numb for months, it was so unhealthy for me and the trauma has come flooding back with this second one.

Also, I meant to include to OP that I am so sorry you're going through this. It is truly just an awful time, there are no words. X

As someone who manages people please take the time off, you are going through something significant emotionally and physically you are not fit to be working. I have had several team members off for similar reasons in the last year, some for months because of medical and emotional complications when they've been ready or will be ready to return they will be welcomed back with open arms and nothing but compassion. I work in a very high pressure job in the criminal justice sector and this approach is supported at every level.

You and your recovery is worth so much more than a job, they would replace you in a week. Health is THE number one priority, work will carry on just fine without you @LillianLily you need t9 focus on you. Nothing else matters, our health is our wealth, please don’t feel guilty about work at a time like this. I hope all goes ok. Go easy on yourself.

Also one of my managers had a miscarriage last year and was out for 3months, not once did we think any bad or feel she was taking the piss. All we wanted was for her to recover and be in the best of health.

OP. People don't blink at others taking 3 weeks off for a back back, other injuries or stress. People seem to feel more judged for pregnancy issues and we shouldn't.

I'd continue to work from home if you can but take the time off if you need it,

If the shoe were on the other foot, you would be happy to cover for someone going through a difficult time. I would hate to think of someone on my team worrying about work - life and health has to be the priority.

I took 2 weeks. Going back was rubbish, as were various other points along the way. Be kind to you.

So sorry to hear about your losses. I also went through multiples losses and had very similar anxiety around work at the time of it all. I was constantly worried that I would start to bleeding at work so didn’t want to be in the office (MMC’S). But then would feel guilty going off again. People don’t actually care though, they might gossip for a second but it’s quickly forgotten about. There’s not much difference between 1 week or 6 weeks. I was fortunate to discover my manager had been through a battle of infertility and failed IVF so I had an open ear.
Life is really too short to worry about what other people may think. Yes, work pays the billls but it isn’t everything. I would WFH where possible and if it gets too much, take the time you need to look after yourself. It’s bloody hard!

Thank you everyone, I have read through everyone's posts and honestly thank you because I feel like a weight has lifted.

I've spoken with my work and basically told them I won't be in next week and that although I am still keeping an eye on emails sporadically during the week I'll be taking a back seat to focus on my recovery.

My thanks and love to all,

I have always worried too much about what people at work think and that’s even with colleagues who have completely taken the piss with sick leave etc.

I had recurrent miscarriages and it takes its toll both emotionally and physically. I wouldn’t rush back OP. You need to grieve as well as recover. As others have said our loyalty to employers is often misplaced. I was ill recently and was being sent work via e mail!

Honestly, take all the time you need. It’s so hard. I hope all goes well. A friend who also has a bicornuate womb is now pregnant with her second child after many miscarriages. I’ll keep everything crossed for you on all fronts. 💐