Feeling Conflicted

[HaveADrinkOnMe]

Hello

For context, I have a DC already & I am married. I fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of years ago & had a termination as I wasn't ready for another, especially as I had DC at the height of the pandemic & hadn't processed that.

My & DH decided that we would start trying again as I had been feeling thay I wanted another baby. We fell on our first attempt & I am now 6 weeks pregnant. I was so excited initially but not I feel that I am regretting this.

Financially. This is causing me a lot of stress. I get SMP & we struggled last time but made it work. I don't know if we can do that again.

Independece. DC is now at school & life is feeling a bit easier than before.

Our relationship took a hit when DC was a baby & I am terrifed that this will happen again. Deep down, I know DH doesn't want another but he went along with whatever I wanted.

I have told a few people I am PG so feel stuck as they knew about the termination before. They will think I am horrible if I had another. My parents included. My dad didn't speak to me for a while after my previous termination.

I feel awful as I keep hoping for a miscarriage. I have no idea what to do. I know this is all my fault but I am so scared. I had an appointment with BPÀS but cancelled it.

I don't know what to do.

You cannot have a baby that neither of you want just because you don’t want to upset other people. Make an appointment and attend it, have the conversation, having someone neutral to speak to might help clear your thoughts.

If you do have an abortion your family and friends do not have to know if you don’t want to share that with them x

OP, of course you are feeling apprehensive - but both you and your DH discussed this and you were initially excited. What has changed this? Is it just finance? Yes, SMP is not great, but you will manage - people do, and it’s not for that long. If you’re worried about your relationship, then I think first of all, you need to talk to your DH to find out what he really thinks about the pregnancy, and examine your own feelings, too. Whatever decision you come to is nobody else’s business except yours - you and your DH are the ones who will have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make, so stop worrying about what other people will think. You need to speak to somebody neutral about this - a counsellor or health professional - and take whatever decision is best for you and your family.

I don't know what has changed. I just can't explain or understand how I am feeling.

I'm going to call BPAS to speak to one of their counsellors.

Firstly, try to remove any focus on how others will react to you having a termination. Beyond your DH, their opinions count for nothing and, if they cared about you, they would support you no matter what.

Secondly, I wonder if you need some proper counselling after your first child. I also had a baby at the height of the pandemic but personally don’t feel I need to process anything about that. Perhaps because she was my second child but I still think it’s unusual. Talking to a professional may help.

Lastly, I have felt deep stress before each of my children and I would say 6w was about the peak time for that. How was I meant to cope? How could we survive on just SMP? What about our relationship? All the same concerns as you. I now have 3 DC and it is tough at times but generally gets easier every day. DH and I go through phases of feeling like we’re roommates but we both know we just have a young family and we still love each other. There will be time again for us soon enough.

@HaveADrinkOnMe, you need to make the right decision for you but I would definitely speak to a professional before you finalise anything.

It's up to you. If you feel you will be judged just tell everyone you had a miscarriage. No need whatsoever to say it was a termination. Have some counselling to come to the best decision.

I don't mean to sound harsh OP but everything you've listed are just sacrifices you make when having a baby. I'm assuming before you tried you were aware of these things and happy to go ahead so i'd give yourself some time to make sure it's not just some hormonal anxiety.