Regret in 2nd Pregnancy and Feeling Alone

[EmmaB25]

I (31f) have a lovely 6 year old boy from a previous relationship and I am currently engaged to a really wonderful guy (31m) who has no previous children. I think I would have been happy with just one however I know he was keen to have one so we began trying and a few months later…here I am 15 weeks pregnant. I thought I would be happy and content however I am really struggling. My fiancé drinks several nights a week (some heavier than others) and still has a very active social life and I’ve retreated into my shell. I get quite uncomfortable around people drinking when I’m not and despite telling him this, he has not altered his habits in any way. My dad died from alcoholism when I was young and I find drunk people quite triggering. I’m feeling isolated and alone, like I’ve sacrificed my body, my mind and my lifestyle for him yet he believes his life should be unaffected during this time (he stated this). Am I unreasonable to expect some kind of compromise regarding the drinking? I have become the designated driver on too many occasions already. I’m not sure I would have so readily committed to this had I known that I would feel this isolated and I’m worried his habits and mindset will continue once the baby is here. I suppose I’m looking to see if anyone’s partner has compromised with them during pregnancy or did they become a bit more mature post birth? I read once that how a partner acts throughout a pregnancy sets a precedent for how they will behave when the baby is here and I’m worried he won’t change his bachelor habits. Any tips for feeling less alone and how to make the remaining months more manageable when life just continues as normal around you?

How long have you been with him?
Did he move in with you?
Do you work?

Hi Emma - I'm not sure I have any special expertise here but wanted to bump this for you in the hope that others might have some useful responses.

Tbh, my immediate reaction is that your partner is being incredibly selfish here. Giving him the benefit of the doubt perhaps he is immature and/or he hasn't fully appreciated what pregnancy is like for you and how much support is needed during pregnancy.

However he does know how you feel about alcohol and he's choosing to continue as before when you're feeling vulnerable and even expecting you to be the designated driver for him!

Did he actually for real tell you he thought his life should be unaffected whilst you're pregnant? Honestly, it's very hard to read that as anything but pretty bloody awful. He's 31 not 16.

Clearly I think you need to have a very serious conversation with him where you tell him exactly how you feel and what you need. If he doesn't respond to that I'm not sure what the next step is but hopefully others will have some ideas.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable if this is really what's going on. I'm just so sorry you're going through this - it sounds really dreadful. Xxx

YANBU

Honestly? You need to set boundaries now. Be clear with what you want from him eg you can drink one night a week or whatever you're comfortable with. I'm guessing he knows about your dad, so that's shitty behaviour from him tbh.

He won't get better after baby is here so you need to be crystal clear about what you need from him in terms of support starting now.

Ask someone else to have your older one, sit down with written bullet points if necessary and talk to your fiance.

But be clear so he can't say afterwards he didn't know something.

From the little I've read about him, he seems like a man child and I'd be preparing to be a solo parent.

YANBU and I don’t think this is uncommon at all.

I think when pregnant you’re forced to change - you can’t drink, so you don’t. You’re tired so the socialising without alcohol can feel exhausting etc.

Meanwhile the dad… feels exactly the same as before. And is possibly feeling like their social life is worse because you aren’t interested (that not an excuse - just trying to think about their mindset).

I think a lot of couples go through this - both now and after the baby arrives.

You feel "like I’ve sacrificed my body, my mind and my lifestyle for him yet he believes his life should be unaffected during this time (he stated this)", because it is true.

The way I see it, your partner must change radically and accept that, from now on, life will be about protecting and providing for his child (and that includes, in the beginning, for you too, because there's no such thing as a newborn or baby: there's the mother/baby dyad). If he can't do this, then he's not man enough and you'll have to do this without him: this doesn't necessary mean that you leave him, it means you figure out what can he bring to the table and the rest you look for in other places. I am all for using (yes, without euphemisms here) these kind of "men" for the benefit of your children. And the first months of a child (up to a year), as you well know, are hard work.

Of course all what I'm saying comes with a caveat: if there's alcoholism involved, I really believe you are better off separated. As they say, once the baby arrives, it will always be worse.

I really feel for you: you should not have to be experiencing all this turmoil at this special moment. You'll have to grief. But, for the sake of your children, you now must put on your strategist hat.

Sending you love and strength 🙏💐

My husband was a bit like this. I wasn’t as bothered by it though, no history of
alcoholism,

i wasn’t so bothered well not in the early weeks although he wasn’t going out every weekend it was more having beers at home.

For him I think when he did go out with friends it was sort of like his last hurrah! life is going to change very soon so going out with a bang! You’d think he was on death row..

I was mostly Ok with it until the last trimester when it did starr to bother me more. the last occasion was a wedding when i was 36 week I asked him not to get smashed and he did of course. There was a big row and he stopped.

He was actually fine when baby came and did cut it right down.

contrary to what he believed it wasn’t the end of his life as he knew it and he has had nights out with his mates since and he does have a social life again (two kids at primary school now)

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It sounds like a major conflict of interests. My DH is also quite sociable and ordinarily we both enjoy a drink on a weekend. In our case, life has largely continued as normal (I'm 33 weeks pregnant), but it's different in our circumstances because I still enjoy socialising and I'm keen to enjoy my freedom before baby gets here. I therefore don't mind being designated driver, as long as it's a social event I'm interested in. However, I don't chauffeur him when I'm not participating, and he's always happy to work around me - I dictate when we leave, as I'm the tired pregnant one!

However, your situation is different to mine, you have a young child already and a different view of alcohol, which is completely valid. I'd be concerned that you've already tried to discuss this with him and he's been dismissive. I think you need to raise the matter again and reiterate that he needs to start adapting to the change you're both going through. I don't think he needs to be cut off from his social life completely - playing devil's advocate, he's probably thinking he needs to squeeze in the fun nights out while he can (which is exactly what I'm doing in pregnancy, only without the alcohol!). But he should start to cut it down. And you also need to spend time together too before the baby changes your relationship. Through my pregnancy we've done a couple of little trips away, we go out for food, and we see friends as a group, because we know that in a few weeks things are going to look very different. At the moment you and your partner are having very different experiences to each other at a time when you should be a team, and he needs to realise that. You're about to be parents together so you absolutely need to be brave enough to communicate your feelings and enforce your boundaries.

I'd also add that you need to do things for yourself too. Do you spend time with friends for example, or go on play dates with your youngest DC? Don't retreat and isolate yourself.

Thank you for your in depth responses. My fiance runs a hospitality firm and his lifestyle has always been party oriented. Ive always had a nagging worry about this, however, I think this pregnancy has highlighted real concerns. We are recently back from a 10 night trip and he drank everyday despite my feelings towards it. I have told him that I would rather go to events or do activities that didn’t revolve around alcohol, however, he doesn’t share this sentiment. I’ve recently reiterated my discomfort and he has stressed that he will ‘not be a recluse’ and calls my discomfort around heavy drinking ‘weird’ and that I need to ‘sort it out’ and to ‘behave like an adult’. He still has weekly catch ups or nights out with friends and I am happy with this because I’m not there and I hoped this would be enough for him. I’m finding his unwillingness to be supportive in this area incredibly disheartening because if he had expressed such feelings to me, I wouldn’t hesitate to adapt my lifestyle to support. I do meet up with friends thankfully and we do long walks, coffee dates and dinner dates - all sans alcohol! I’m definitely glad I posted as it has validated many feelings and I feel more willing to voice these now. Thank you.