Hormones crazy, worrying about having a second child and I think IABU

[BessieBye]

So I’m 9 weeks pregnant and I had a 3yo DD who will be 4.5 when baby is born. We planned this baby & is very much wanted, however I have found myself every night wide awake with my mind whirring

I will probably get some hate comments as I’ve read plenty other threads, but I need to hear it from people regarding my own personal circumstance

Firstly, I’m having that worry that most mothers do: what if I don’t love this baby as much as my first? Have I made a mistake? How will I cope with the sleepless nights, frustration if I don’t love baby enough as her?

Secondly, although we don’t know the sex yet, I am panicking about it being a boy for unselfish reasons only. I was so excited for either until someone said to me ‘it will be lovely for your DD to have a sister relationship like you and your sister’. My heart sank. What if it’s a boy and she can’t have that sister bond like I do? My sister is my best friend and although we are different personalities, we get each other on so many levels and I’d be lost without her. The thought of not giving my DD that literally makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I don’t think it would matter as much if the age gap was closer, I know siblings go through different phases at different times and there is a period where they’re into diffferent things, but I think about adulthood. I think about them being close to each other if they’re opposite sex and having an unbreakable bond like same sex siblings do (not just sisters).

I have spoken to my midwife at my booking appt and have been referred to mental health team for a session because it’s consuming my life. I don’t want to feel this way, it’s ridiculous and I KNOW I’m being unreasonable.

Please could anyone share their brother/sister sibling experiences for me, especially if just one each (we will stop at 2 kids) and an age gap bigger than 4 years

thank you 🙁

I'm one of 3 sisters but we have a 4, 7 and 11 year age gaps and are much closer than my partner and his brother have with a 2.5 year age gaps.
My cousin's are girl/boy and live in one another's pockets.
My dad is one of 5, 3 boys, 2 girls with a 21 year age gap between the eldest and youngest. The only one my dad doesn't speak to is his brother with a 2 year gap. He's closest to his youngest brother and eldest sister.

I think the biggest decider on whether siblings get on is the personality of children, young adults, adults rather than them being mixed/same gender or the age gap. There have been times when I didn't get on well with my younger sister (4 year gap) but never a time when I didn't get on with my elder sister (7 year gap). Since all being adults we have all been super close. My little sister had a hard time in school and I was a safe person for her to take it out on which was hard on all involved.

I'm expecting my second and will have a 5 year gap. I deliberately didn't want a 2-3 year age gap as it turned out I was no where near ready for a second until my daughter was 3. I know quite a few families with their eldest the same age as my daughter with two children of opposite sex and I don't notice any difference to those that have two of the same sex.

“what if I don’t love this baby as much as my first?”
OP, you absolutely will. Love is like a candle flame - if you lit another candle from a first one, you wouldn’t in any way diminish the flame of the first, and it’s the same with loving your children. I worried a great deal (many moons ago) about how on earth I could possibly love my second DC as much as the first - but you absolutely will, and without in any way diminishing what you feel for the first one.
(Edited for typo)

I am much closer to my DB than my DSis. Me and DB are like besties, we are so close. I generally get on fine with my DSis, but she is Hard Work and we are nowhere near as close. My kids are close to both my siblings but see more of my DB. In an emergency, 9 times out of 10 I'd be calling my DB and he'd be calling me, and same if it was for my DPs, it would be me and DB sorting it out.

I don't think gender is the best predictor of closeness in siblings. I've got an older brother and two younger sisters. I love them all, but I'm closest emotionally to my brother. We definitely went through a distant patch during our later teenage years but before that and since we've been ever so close. He moved in with me for a while when he went through a break up and I'm telling you I'd much rather have him back than either of my sisters moving in 😂

@BessieBye I could have wrote some of this myself tbh. I’m also pregnant with my second. There will be a 2.5 year age gap between them. I have a wee girl and just found out we are having a boy. I had convinced myself I was having another girl, partly because like you I have a sister who is my best friend and I envisioned what my daughter’s life would be like. Finding out the sex of the second baby was such a shock and truthfully I was upset. I slept on it and honestly I was so much better the next day. How blessed I am to experience both sexes and as other posters have said here, the sex does not necessarily guarantee closeness! You will be absolutely fine.