Fertility and people’s comments

[FlyingFolk]

Trying for a baby for some time now and so many people at work and extended family make comments like “your turn next” (to have a baby) and “when you gonna have one?” And “when you’re ready to try it can happen really easily.. it did for me and my husband… do you know about the small window to conceive?”.. “how long have you been trying?” I’m finding it really triggering, does anyone else have experiences like this? And is there a way to not get bothered by it? I find so many people a bit stupid and ignorant

personally I’d move my uncomfortableness onto them, I have a sharp tongue though. It’s not for you to get unbothered by, people are so unthoughtful and intrusive.

‘mind your own fucking business’
‘wanting a baby doesn’t = a baby for many couples’
’actually we are struggling to have a baby and I don’t need unhelpful or pressurising comments right now’
‘That’s a really personal question and I’d prefer not to talk about my infertility with sally from IT’

It is awful OP, absolutely hate people who ask these ridiculous questions or make ridiculous statements. I had my first baby then next door neighbour had first baby a year later. I had five miscarriages and next door neighbour had her second child. Another neighbour said to me would you not take a leaf out of her book and have a second baby. I very politely told her I had 5 miscarriages and have nearly died twice and yes I would love a second child, but it’s just not that easy. Her face was a picture! Don’t think she will ever ask anyone stupid questions like that again. BF also had a rough time having kids and family member actually asked her at a wedding why they had no kids and was there something wrong with her. I hope someone comes up with really good one liners for you to cut the boots of anyone who asks you these things.

@WeAreAllBucked totally agree - so glad you put your neighbour in her place, honestly people are astounding.

We were absolutely tortured with people asking us when we were having a second child. I was in the hospital after a very bad haemorrhage and poor husband was dipping in and out of work. Someone in work had a baby and husbands colleague asked him about us having a second child. while I was in the hospital. This is 16 years ago but still annoys me. I did get my second child🥰🎉

I used to be polite about it but I started to just be really upfront with people about my fertility struggles and didn't care how awkward it made them. My turning point came at a baby shower a couple of years ago in which half the people there were pregnant. At this point we'd been TTC for 2 years and were on the waiting list for IVF. One pregnant woman, whom I'd never met before but who knew my DH, said within minutes of meeting me "you and Mr Moose have been married a few years now haven't you - have you just decided not to have kids?" I was so taken aback by it, and because I didn't know her from Adam, just bluntly said "actually we'd love to have kids but it's not happened for us yet and we're waiting for tests/treatment". Her face was a picture. After that, I decided to stop trying to spare people's feelings as they clearly didn't take mine into account at all.

As it happens, it was another 18 months before we got to the IVF stage and thankfully I am now pregnant (due this summer). I'm very open with people about the fact it's an IVF pregnancy, partly to avoid inviting further comments about how many kids we'll have, and partly so other people who are struggling know I'm someone they can talk/relate to if needed.

Yes, absolutely. I should move my uncomfortableness onto them indeed. I don’t want anyone to know my and my partners business at all so definitely will shut people down if they ask! Thank you

It can be horrible but there are so many mixed messages out there nowadays. I think people who have had trouble getting pregnant want to make sure others aren’t underestimating the potential difficulties or making the same mistakes they did. Obviously it’d be best to wait for people to ask for advice but there’s so much stuff around pregnancy people don’t talk about. A lot of people aren’t aware (in detail at least) of the realities of fertile windows, the percentage chance of conceiving and how it changes, miscarriage rates and IVF success rates until they start trying to conceive (because why would you be really).

I think so often it's just lack of thinking, conversation-making prattle. I have to tell myself they aren't going out of their way to upset me. A colleague recently had their second and another turned to me and said "oh it'll be you having another next!!" and I had to say that it wouldn't be as I'm physically incapable of having another but thanks for including me in the conversation!

Gosh so sorry to hear what you’re been through that is so tough, on top of peoples outrageous comments! (What is wrong with people?!) Lovely to hear you have your second child now! Thank you for your comment

Thank you for sharing this. People are unbelievable. I find it surprising that these comments are made- with a complete lack of insight (not everyone just gets pregnant straight away and you never know what someone is going through!!) Surely that’s just simple to know! Congratulations on your pregnancy that’s wonderful wishing you the best this summer