10 weeks - obsessed with googling autism

[NeedyRedKoala]

Hi I I am not sure what I am after really here but just looking for any like mindedness or advice.

i am 10 weeks pregnant at 36, I have a DS who is 5 and I miscarried at 9 weeks last November, I have been TTC for 2 years following a hormone imbalance so this is very much a wanted baby.

my last pregnancy with my son reaulted in me experiencing quite severe pre-natal anxiety and I needed to go on sertraline, which I have remained on since. I was having a lot of anxiety and worries around money, work, living situation etc and obsessive thoughts, the sertraline helped.

the last 2 weeks or so I’ve become deeply worried about having a child with autism and not being able to cope or it affecting my sons life negatively. This is awful I know but I think it’s the older maternal age ( I will 37 when I give birth) my husband is 43. My husband also has a sibling with autism so I’m just convinced we will have an autistic child, I’m googling it daily, and it really is spoiling my pregnancy. I already feel sick and exhausted so this isn’t helping, I don’t know whether it’s just in my head or it should be a genuine worry, considering asking GP if I need to up the meds, or speak to someone about my risks. I feel awful but I just don’t think I could cope with a child with Sen needs and feel like it would spoil the relationship I have with my DS who seems fairly NT.

just need a slap or shaking or a bit of advice I think. Husband says I’m being ridiculous

I was convinced I was going to have twins and cried about it before I'd even had the 12 week scan. I even went to far as to Google what car we'd need. It never happened! I know I have obsessive thoughts and once I had the idea in my head it wouldn't leave. In hindsight I know i was being really irrational.

I think these are obsessive thoughts that you can work on quietening, mindfulness or therapy might help. I know this is easier said than done but you could spend your pregnancy worrying about this and there could be 3 outcomes

1. it never happens and you wasted all this energy and time on worrying and becoming an expert for nothing
2. your child has some other issues and you wasted all this energy and time worrying about becoming an expert on the wrong thing
3. your child does have SEN needs thus fulfilling your worst fears, i.e. confirmation bias, your future worries and your general anxiety becomes louder as you come to better believe your own fears.

ND kids aren't the worst thing in the world too it's challenging but it's also really rewarding, funny, endearing, it's not all bad as a mother of 2 mainstream ND boys. Their quirks and needs are wildly different too so there was no way I could have researched, predicted or prepared for it, it's just a case of being centred and ready to adapt.

You have a long journey to go, try to take each day at a time, recognise these thoughts for what they are, and enjoy your time with your DS.

With much kindness, you need to speak to someone about your anxiety.

There are a million things that "could" happen with any pregnancy and throughout the life of any child that might cause challenges. That might be something that causes a severe disability or a temporary issue. Focusing in on the possibility of ASD is just anxiety doing what anxiety does and you are spiraling into a worst case scenario for if that happened.

I do have a DS with ASD (who was born when I was in my late 20s) he's lovely, and his older sister adores him. He's a pain in the arse sometimes but I know some NT children who are harder work. DS with his cousins - DS is by far the easiest to look after! So even in your hypothetical situation where you do have a child with ASD it certainly doesn't automatically become a terrible situation in which you couldn't cope. As with NT children each are different.

Pregnancy is difficult, it's very out of our control so the worry is understandable but do try and get some support to put things back in a bit of perspective.

@VerityUnreasonble you have expressed it very well, this is similar to my experience of having a child with ASD.

Thanks both for your honest messages and sharing your stories. I think I’m going to make an appt with GP and get some help as it’s something that has never been an issue for me before

thanks again it’s helped get some perspective on it

If your husband has an autistic sibling then it runs in the family - but it could just as easily have been your first DS. There is nothing you can do or not do about it at this stage and even with a genetic link, the chances remain extremely high that you will have another NT child.

If you don't, it is not the end of the world. I have a child with a level 2 ASD diagnosis ("substantial support") who is an absolute joy. Torturing yourself with "what ifs" won't help and I hope that the GP is able to give you some support.

I understand your problem is anxiety but why focus on autism? I'm autistic as are most of my family. Many autistic people find it offensive to be considered a byword for catastrophe. Change the word autistic for another personal attribute and see how it sounds.

It would be nice if people that whiled away their time googling autism had some time and concern for actual people with autism. Perhaps it would be less of a worry if we knew people with autism could live in a society that treated them with respect.

Just a thought. Hope you get help for your anxiety OP and if it's any consolation my autistic kids are 100% human and seem to be a lot less bother than most of their NT friends.

Not helpful Marcus. OP is obsessively and anxiously focused on autism. If she was obsessively and anxiously focused on Down's, or on intellectual disability, or cystic fibrosis, or anything else that might happen, it wouldn't be helpful to chide her about how she was "whiling away her time" on that either. My family are all autistic, with varying support needs, so I do understand that her anxiety is misplaced, but you can't tell someone to stop being anxious any more than you can tell them to stop being autistic. Nor can you dictate what an anxious person is anxious about - otherwise the cure for anxiety would be strangers on the internet telling them dismissively to stop wasting their time.

Ask your GP about a higher dose of sertraline, it sounds like your anxiety and obsessive thoughts are increasing

Hey, OP. This sounds like OCD to me. I have it anyway, but it was really exacerbated during pregnancy. First I was obsessed with miscarriage, then still birth, then birth complications, then I had polyhydramnios (which can be associated with genetic disorders) so I was obsessed with that. It ruined my entire pregnancy and honestly I was anxious and ended up in hysterics a lot. I was also stuck in Google loops.

The first thing I'd advise is stop googling. OCD is primarily about feeling out of control, and the compulsions help us mitigate that anxiety, which is why we Google. We're reassurance seeking, but it obviously doesn't help in the long run, and it actually feeds the OCD. Every time you get the urge, do something else instead. Preferably something that requires a bit of thought. The best thing for OCD is really trying to become comfortable with the unknown, which there are obviously a lot of with pregnancy. It's very hard to change that mindset though. What I will say is that pretty much as soon as she was born, I felt miles better. She was tangible, and she wasn't an unknown anymore. If your baby is autistic or etc, you will still love the baby and you will cope. The unknown is far worse than actually dealing with something, from my experience!

I'd personally speak to a GP, review your meds, and perhaps ask for a bit of support from perinatal services. If you can afford to pay privately, seek a therapist, perhaps who specialises in things like pregnancy related OCD.

Also please stop chiding OP for worrying about autism. The autism isn't especially relevant. The issue is Op's anxiety, and anxiety latches on to anything.

1. I didn't chide anyone - I expressed sympathy

2 nowhere did I 'dictate' what anxious individuals should fixate on 3 nor did I suggest my advice as a 'cure' for anxiety 4 whiling away time on the Internet is feeding the anxiety. Resisting is hard but will be beneficial. That's good advice.

Bizarre interpretation. We should all be mindful of others when posting- it doesn't matter what the condition is, others will be dealing with the reality of it. The OPs problem is anxiety - that should be the focus, identifying autism as the fear fixation detracts from that and further stigmatises those with autism.

@Marcusparkus best thing is probably not to chip in. You haven’t read the room and it’s not helpful

As per PP's advice - I dont think you can 'dictate' who chips in on a public forum.

That's the beauty of it. Opinions can be shared and people can take that they like and dismiss what's not helpful. That's how it works. Perhaps you haven't read the room.

Autistic children aren’t some kind of burden. You shouldn’t of had kids if you couldn’t cope with the possibility of having a disabled child or one with special needs, it’s selfish.

Really helpful 👍🏻 thanks so much

@NeedyRedKoala Hi there - I can't relate to the autism element, but I've been getting CBT with group therapy through my GP for health anxiety and found it's really helping. My pregnancy has sent it into overdrive. I agree with pp that it sounds like a bit of anxiety and a bit of OCD.

I have a lot of the same symptoms as you (compulsive Googling, endless ruminating, DH who thinks I'm barking). I chose not to have medication for lots of reasons I won't go into here, but definitely recommend CBT. I used to take sertraline for anxiety and it helped day-to-day, but I'd say CBT helps to re-frame it. It kind of puts a buffer and helps me step away. I'm Googling less and actually able to sleep/think about other stuff.

It's so exhausting and lonely to have anxiety like this. CBT is often recommended in groups - I feel less alone when I go to the sessions.

I'm not anti-medication at all, but I'd speak to your GP and ask about therapy services first - if they can sort that for you, then you may not need to up your meds at all. (You can have the "review your meds" conversation in your back pocket if therapy doesn't work out.)

Anxiety is about us not being able to deal with a certain amount of risk/the unknown and pregnancy is full of risks and unknowns everywhere. Being worried about supporting a child with ASD doesn't make you a bad person - you're not going to love the baby any less. It's just something your brain's trying to understand so it can mitigate risk to the child/the things that make you feel safer. Please don't beat yourself up about it. ❤️