Unexpected #3 very conflicted

[Bee1720]

Sorry it’s a long one…
For some background I’m 35 (will be 36 soon) I have DS 10 and DD 6 for some time I wanted 3 but over the last year I have been happy with my two lovely children and comfortable life now they are older my husband and I have been able to enjoy time together more
I found out I am just over 4 weeks pregnant which was a big shock considering I was convinced I was perimenopausal and going for blood tests, my husband is 100% against continuing but has said it’s ultimately up to me however I’d feel completely selfish.
Having this baby would mean giving up the thought of bigger holidays as we couldn’t afford it as a family of 5 we would be very stretched paying for childcare and we only have one grandparent who wouldn’t be able to help due to health. We have a 4 bed house though the rooms are small so we’d potentially have to move which just isn’t possible in these times I always said I wouldn’t have any over 35 not that it’s old just I wanted to have more freedom by late 40s 50.
I just know my children would love a younger sibling I love being a mother and I know this is 100% the last time I will ever be pregnant plus the thought of a termination terrifies me and what it would do to my mental health, I have been in touch with BPAS who are sending medication in the post.
I just keep going round in circles and it doesn’t help I have a million symptoms.
I don’t know what the aim of this post is to be honest I just feel so lost.

Only you truly know the right answer for you and your family. I didn't want to read and run...

We are in a similar set up, 2 kids similar age, with the house setup etc... we have said no more and wouldn't continue if we accidentally fell pregnant. The dynamic is good as we are and future plans etc (despite the small humans thinking a baby is a great idea) also my health would struggle in another pregnancy and that would be detrimental to the children, me and work etc

On the other hand a colleague had a surprise 3rd and they are thriving as a family. They have made room financially and emotionally.

Ultimately only you can decide - you may regret not proceeding and wondering what could have been... but possibly better to do that then resent a child who exists in your life... or maybe the baby will be the perfect extra.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide

Firstly, don’t feel selfish if you want to continue with this pregnancy. Your DH is 100% against another pregnancy, but presumably hasn’t gone through the process of having a vasectomy (which should be seriously considered going forward).

It is a tough one and I’m sorry you’re in this position. For what it’s worth, a friend was in a similar position with finding out she was expecting surprise #3 (although her other two were still very young). She was 50/50 but ultimately decided it would be too much for them and terminated the pregnancy and says she’s not felt anything but relief since then, even during the time the baby would have been due (she was expecting to feel the opposite). That of course may not be the same as you’d feel at all. Only you know what is right for you all and wishing you all the best in whichever decision you make.

I have a very similar experience. ultimately, I couldn’t face having a termination. I had one booked. It was a stressful experience. We work international and all packages are set up for 2 kids. Number 3, is truly our delight. All has worked out, we budget accordingly. I tell them often that they were my best 40th present!

We were in a similar situation when we found out we were pregnant with DC3. We were in denial about it for a few weeks when we found out and refused to talk about it 🤣. We then decided to not go ahead with the pregnancy but changed our minds at the last moment. Our DC3 is the absolute light of our lives and yes things are harder, we had to upgrade cars, the house. Stress levels through the roof at times but I wouldn't change things now. Ultimately it's your choice but things will work out either way x

We were in a similar situation a few years ago but it would have been DC4. I didn't continue with the pregnancy for various reasons- money, size of our house, I was back working and I knew I didn't have the emotional capacity to cope with another child. DH has since had a vasectomy (wasn't keen before).

It was the right decision for us but I still found it hard.

I was in a similar situation a few months ago, finding out unexpected pregnancy, my partner was on the ... its not sensible side of the fence and my heart didn't know if I could actually go through with termination, we had a couple of very emotional weeks.
We were slightly on the 'not sensible, practical' side and then I had pains, we had an early scan and saw a sack, everything changed, but baby was not meant to be and I miscarried a couple of weeks later.

I remember that feeling lost and confused when I first found out though, just take your time.
I wish I could give you the right answer, I guess my advice is go with your heart on it.

Thank you all for your kind words and replies, I made my mind up to go ahead with the termination on Saturday but then since then I’ve been all over the place.
The medication came today and I’ve not even opened it, realistically with child care and holidays I can’t take it for at least another week anyway but it’s weird knowing it’s in the house.

@Bee1720Have you taken up any of the free counselling offered by BPAS?

I was in a similar position a few years ago. I went ahead with the termination. It was the right thing for us as a family but emotionally very tough. I know for some it’s a relief but that wasn’t what I experienced. I wish I’d taken up the counselling offered first but I didn’t want to slow the process down.