Crying 5 days post-partum. Previous child loss

[Ella31]

Hi all, I've been on this for a while throughout my pregnancy journey. I lost my beautiful twin sons 17 months ago - one born sleeping and my second passed away 4 days later in the neonatal unit, this was on top of two early miscarriages prior to this. Needless to say the past year and a half have been very tough. The grief is never ending.

I did however get pregnant again 8 months after losing my sons and I gave birth 5 days ago to my beautiful rainbow. The thing I haven't stopped crying since day 2 postpartum. I love my new baby, and actually really enjoy all the bits that come with caring for her but I'm so sad. I feel like I lost my sons all over again, they have never felt so far away and I miss them so much. I can't really talk to anyone about this because I know I should be grateful for my new baby but I just feel like crying all the time. I appreciate if anyone can relate. Strangely its been the most wonderful few days meeting our child but I just wish I had all of my three babies here and I didn't feel so low. Thanks for reading.

Hey, I cannot relate at all and I can’t imagine how your feeling right now.. pp is sooo tough!! Let alone with what you’ve been through💔 your going through so many changes right now and so is your body, so all I can say is just feel it., cry as much as you want and feel it all. These days will pass and you will come out the other side. You’ll obviously never forget your babies and hopefully your new beautiful baby will help with the pain,keep reminding yourself how strong you are! Xx

I don't have any experience of this but I didn't want to read and run. You've been through so so much and having your lovely baby of course must trigger even more feelings of loss for your sons.

For what it's worth I think you absolutely should allow yourself to talk to people in your life about this if you want to - it's absolutely valid to feel grateful and terribly sad at the same time. You have nothing to feel guilty about and it sounds as if you're doing wonderfully with your daughter.

I think you deserve to give yourself so much grace, compassion and understanding during this time. Crying is really common in the first few days post-partum anyway and you have so much extra emotion as well.

If it feels too much dont ever feel bad about reaching out for extra perinatal mental health support. In my area this is available for a least a year after birth.

Sending so much love and hugs. I'm in awe that you're doing amazing mumming whilst carrying a lot of grief - you're doing brilliantly.xxx

I haven’t been through what you have been through, but (if you haven’t already) look into the books and podcasts by Elle Wright (she’s on Instagram as Featheringtheemptynest) - she lost her son a few days after birth and later had a daughter. She said on a podcast that having her daughter raised the grief and loss for her son anew, as she now had experience of all the things she had lost with him and knew what she had missed out on.

Congratulations on your baby - and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you all so much for commenting, it helps knowing I'm not a bad person in all of this. I love my daughter so much. My heart was bursting when they handed her to me, I just couldn't believe how low the comedown was a few days later. Missing my little boys is just so complex in all of this too plus recovering from my csection

I'm absolutely thrilled to hear that you have your third beautiful baby. I was following you TTC journey on a few threads.

1. 5 days post partum is absolute peak hormones and it's really common to be more emotional at this time
2. The human mind is capable of many complicated emotions at the same time and that's ok. It's perfectly ok to feel sad for your boys and thrilled for your baby girl.

Give yourself time, talk to as many people as you need. My little sister was a twin but only one came home. The other was a second trimester loss and my mum has spoken about the mixed emotions about coming home with one and not two. I know a couple of people who have had either still births or neonatal losses who have spoken about mixed emotions when bringing subsequent children home. I'd have a chat with your midwife or HV. They won't judge you for these feelings but they can give you support. Give yourself time and space to process this utterly mind boggling situation.

I can sadly relate to this. I think it really hit me what I actually lost after stillborn DD when DS was born.

I would sit and cry not sure tears of sorrow or joy.
hormones all over the place doesn’t help. It got easier with time as most things do.

Also sadly relate as have had a difficult past (late loss at 5 months, ruptured ectopic, daughter born at 24 weeks).

I had my son 9 weeks ago. A few days after home
Arrived I was the same. It brought back memories and regrets the the girl I lost just before 24 weeks. Also the long stint in the NICU. It honestly does get better. Don't beat yourself up.

Sending love. My experience was different (in that it was infertility rather than loss) but like you I found it hit me hardest in those days after my baby was finally born. It was like I was then allowed to feel all the emotions but didn't expect to so they hit all the harder - probably due to those 2 weeks of intense hormones. I did feel more able to manage those emotions after 2 weeks when the hormones balanced out, but those feelings are so understandable and valid.