3rd baby advice

[TiredTammy]

Hi, I just found out I'm pregnant (nearly 5 weeks) with our 3rd baby and I'm kinda terrified. I have 2 lovely pre-school kids and while we always wanted another one at some point, I wasn't really ready yet and this was a bit of a (happy?) accident. While I want to be / feel like I should be completely overjoyed, I'm instead finding myself panicking about getting through the pregnancy, mat leave and what it will do to my career, and how the hell I will manage 3 kids... I suffer with a lot of anxiety so I'm worried this is really irresponsible of me to add more stress and anxiety to my life. Has anyone had similar doubts/fears/experiences in pregnancy and how did you manage it? I feel really guilty as I know I should be so grateful.

Hi! I don’t really have any useful advice yet but I was in a similar situation to you when I found out I was pregnant last year. I knew I wanted a third child but it happened sooner than expected!

Youngest is now a week old and siblings are almost 2 and almost 4. So far, to be honest with you, it’s bliss! I expect there will be plenty of challenges ahead, but it’s not yet the disaster I initially imagined.

The pregnancy actually flew by this time as I was too busy with the others to indulge the idea too much. Like you, I have concerns about my career, but have told myself (perhaps optimistically - time will tell) that it might be better in the long term to have my babies relatively close together and then when I return after this mat leave I can fully crack on in the knowledge I won’t be having more time off.

Hi there. Not exactly the same for me as our third was planned and took 6 months to conceive, also we have larger age gaps.

Yet still, I was so panicked at stages throughout pregnancy, particularly the last trimester, on how we'd cope with three! Honestly since number 3 arrived it hasn't been as bad as I was expecting. Not to say that it's all plain sailing - my 3 are now 6 (not far off 7), 3.5, and 5 months and there are plenty of days where I think WHY haha. But we have some absolutely lovely times too and the bond between the three of them is gorgeous to see.

I got surprise pregnant with a third, 5 years after being "done" with any more kids (now 8 and 6)
Had all the emotions you're going through, absolutely petrified and panicked.
Went through the steps to start termination, couldn't go through with it, started to come to terms with having a 3rd and how that would realistically look and balance with life etc
Then miscarried that pregnancy, and realised 1 more would be quire nice after all, now im pregnant again(planned) and were looking at a sticky one and now I'm going through all the panic again and wondering if I made the right choice 😅

I think at the end of the day, it's absolutely normal to feel a little flustered at the prospect of a child and we all just get through whatever comes our way day by day

@Foaliver thank you so much, this is really reassuring to hear! And congratulations on the arrival of your littlest one. It's nice to look at it differently in terms of being able to fully commit and crack on with my career after this - I just hope my boss sees it this way! I'm so worried about what they will think because I only got back from mat leave a bit over a year ago and it will be less than 2 years before I'm going off again... but I guess it is silly to make big decisions about family based on what other people might think.

@LegoHouse274 thank you so much, your comment about the bond between them really filled me up, this is exactly why we want another one. My older 2 are so lovely together and I think the dynamic with 3 is just really nice.

@LaTable thank you! And congratulations on your pregnancy, crossing fingers for you.

I also called the termination clinic today to book an appointment and I was shaking, it feels so wrong... I have also booked a 12 week scan and that felt kind of exciting so maybe that tells me where my instincts are! But you're right, it's normal to go back and forth. I'm still half expecting to miscarry any day now as my symptoms are not very strong yet compared to this time with my last 2 but will see.

Another follow on question, how did people respond about your third pregnancy/baby? I'm so worried people will judge me for having a third, I live in London and it is really not the normal thing to do although I know in many other parts of the world/country it is normal to have many more! We really want to keep the baby I just am still so worried about it all.

We haven't told most people yet. Just hasn't felt like the right time yet. I have told one friend (who has 5 kids so she doesn't see the problem) who is very supportive. And another but only because she invited me somewhere and I kinda needed to say haha but again, it's just been like oh okay cool and moved on
I think if you're friends are going to judge you, then you need better friends.
It may not be the norm but its also no of people's business if you have 1 or 10 children so long as they are loved and cared for.

In all honesty, the reactions to my third pregnancy were definitely more subdued, shall we say, than with the first two. Both sets of grandparents were very shocked, to the extent that one said “this is terrible news”. Several people just said “what, again?” and many openly said that we were mad or foolish! I ended up not telling many people, unless I was seeing them and it became obvious. I’ve found that people tend to be less negative when the baby is actually born!

However, you can’t let other people’s reactions determine your life plans! Some people will always be surprised if you do things differently to them. Who cares really?! FWIW, all grandparents are now firmly on board. 😂

@Foaliver thanks for sharing! This is kinda the reaction I am expecting, I know I shouldn't care what people think but I keep worrying about them thinking/saying something along the lines of 'you're barely coping with the two you have, what on earth are you thinking?'. Even though the 2 friends I actually told so far were the opposite and very supportive, one told me she always imagined we'd be surrounded by lots of kids cos we're great parents 🥲. But it's hard not to worry about the reaction will be!

You're so right, I know my good friends won't judge me but there's the wider family, colleagues, my boss etc who I keep thinking about. Although when I think about it, the people I know with 3 kids are just fantastic people and never once have I judged them but rather admired them. So I guess that's something.

We had exactly the same experience tbh. Although the "you are crazy" comments were mostly said in jest/slight admiration almost by friends, not in a malicious way at all, so that didn't bother me.

Our extended families were all visibly extremely shocked and could mostly only muster "another one?!" but eventually did congratulate us once they'd got used to the idea! My DF literally went "WHAT?! Another one?! You can't even cope with the two you have now!" which was lovely...! Now the third is 5 months I expressed in conversation that we definitely wouldn't be having any more, partly due to finances and he started telling me how God would provide no matter how many kids we have and that shouldn't stop us having any more children (he's a very religious man) etc! Basically a complete about turn! Needless to say he absolutely adores all our kids btw.

We definitely got a lot less visitors and gifts third time too which we were expecting. But to be honest our house is full of so much stuff the latter was welcome anyway. And the visitors was partly due to lots of illnesses being an autumn baby so wanted to keep him safe. He has two cousins roughly a year older than him too, so I think once he's a bit older that will be really nice for him too, to have them close in age (one on each side of the family).

I actually now have two friends both pregnant with their third children though now too! As before that we didn't know anyone socially or in our families with more than 2.

I think this is "a thing" with third pregnancies. I thought I'd made a terrible mistake and was pretty depressed and avoidant about the whole thing until about 20 weeks! The hormones and nausea making everything feel worse too.

Once he was born, most of the problems suddenly didn't seem so big anymore. Yes we're more tired, busier, will always be a bit poorer... But we're also happy and all is well. The big two are always bickering but both adore the baby. He's a total blessing and it feels like it's all worked out well.

There seems to be a lot of negativity around having more than 2 kids on mumsnet recently so nice to read some of the comments on this thread. I have 3 who are all in primary school now but the eldest were 3 and 1 when the youngest was born so i imagjne similar age gaps - the early days were fine as littlest was an easy baby, I did struggle with two young kids and a toddler for about 18 months so not saying it is easy by any means but now they are brilliant, they've been in the garden playing together for over 2 hours so far today and the close gap means they're really happy playing the same games, doing the same activities/outings etc. I love just watching them together. Yes they argue and bicker but for the most part they add so much joy to each other's lives.

Other people will always have an opinion - but their opinion on your family is irrelevant. Good luck and enjoy them.

To add - i am 100% a better employee with my new found multitasking that has come with juggling 3 kids! It might seem huge at the moment but a few years down the line you'll be back at work living your new normal.