How to tell friend I’m pregnant

[gdye]

I have 2 children (5&7) and have just found out I’m pregnant again.

My best friend has been trying to get pregnant for around 10 years, but it’s just never happened.

I don’t know how to tell her I’m pregnant. I’m worried she’ll be upset, but I’m also worried she will be upset that I didn’t mention we were trying. We are v close and tell each other everything.

She’s going to be gobsmacked because I was always adamant I didn’t want more children (until around 6 months ago when we decided to start trying).

I nearly plucked up the courage to say we were trying a few months ago but then she had a couple of deaths in the family and an appointment about her fertility, and it just didn’t feel right to tell her.

I was thinking of sending a text later on tonight, but how do I even word it? Just casually drop it into conversation?!

Definitely by text rather than in person, and acknowledging that it may be difficult news to receive. Been there, it's not easy.

All the best to you on your pregnancy.

Congratulations!

Definitely by text so she has space to react however she needs too. Our friends told us via video call when we had been TTC to a long time and holding it together until we hung up was incredibly difficult. I didn't want to make them feel bad as they were sharing such wonderful news.

She is so lucky to have such a kind and considerate friend in you!

Text. Also, whatever her struggles with fertility, she doesn’t have some kind of automatic right to detailed knowledge of your sex life. You shouldn’t be apologising for not telling her that!

You are not responsible for the management of other people's feelings, leave her to deal with her own. Congratulations x

THAT is harsh @PrincessofWells

When someone is struggling to conceive a much wanted child?

@gdye ofc she'll be upset, you already have two children she is desperate for one.

It would be totally insensitive for you to send a text, casually dropping it into your conversation?

I don't know how I'd approach it tbh!

eta; so am of no help, really

The majority of posters on here who have been in the OP’s friend’s position have consistently advocated for being told by text every time this comes up. That way they don’t have to pretend to be happy, try not to look upset etc. They can take time to focus on themselves without having to prepare a face. Why not listen to them?

Tell her by text so she doesn’t have to react in front of you but not a text tomorrow as it’s Mother’s Day and she may be feeling sensitive as is.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think texting would be the best thing to do.
I've had 4 miscarriages over the years, and I remember that gut wrenching feeling listening to someone else announce their pregnancy to me.

I would definitely have preferred to know by text.

I’m just trying to work out the best way to word it.

I agree that you should send a text. Just a simple explanatory phrase letting her know that you're pregnant, due in 5 months (or whenever).
(Whatever you do, not a scan picture).

Firstly: congratulations!
Secondly: It’s great your best friend has someone thoughtful looking out for her feelings when you have overwhelmingly huge and happy news. Unfortunately, I think you not telling her back when you decided to begin trying for another has made it a lot more difficult to break to her, especially if you are so close and confide in each other.

A text is definitely the way to go, but I’d just be worried (overthinking it?) that she’d read it while out sonewhere or in the middle of work etc. I’m sure you know when best to send one, however. A message along the lines of “I wanted to tell you my news early and in private, because you’re important to me and I know this could feel complicated. I’m pregnant. We’ve been trying, and I never found the right moment to mention it with everything that’s happened recently. Hope to see you soon and catch up whenever you’re able to. x/love gdye/however you usually sign off to her.”

I wouldn't give her that much detail. She doesn't need to know if you were trying or not and that it's "complicated".
Just say that you're pregnant, due whenever. Hope to see you soon.

100% agree with this.

Text messages are absolutely the way to go with news like this. If you do it face to face she will feel obligated to have a happy reaction for your sake whereas actually it’ll probably be like a punch to the gut.

But as @Coffeetostartpoints out, tomorrow is the wrong day to do it. It would be terrible timing to drop this on her on Mother’s Day.

She will know ultimately that she is lucky to have a friend like you that considers her feelings so much.

I had to do a similar thing recently with one of my closest and best friends. The thing is, there is no easy way to tell her. I did text message and pretty casual, no “omg I have amazing news” just very factual, “baby number 2 is arriving in September” and absolutely no scan pics, then I threw in a generic question about work. She congratulated me and answered the work question. I know that she’d have been upset and have given her time to process without me making it all about me by saying something like “I didn’t know how to tell you. I hope you’re not upset”. I’m not going to patronise her like that. We both know she’s going to be upset, but I also know she will be happy for me, but also sad for herself. So it’s a complicated thing for her to process.
Next time we meet up (and I’ll not push that, just let her know when I’m free) I’ll let her ask any baby questions or avoid if she prefers. We’ve been friends long enough and supported each other through enough to know sometimes you just let the elephant sit in the room until it’s ready to find its way out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I had this exact situation a few years ago and I came mumsnet to ask the same question.

The consensus was text.

I was frightened that I would text at the wrong time, so I sent her avtext around 6pm when i knew she would be at home (so it wasn't before or during work). I just said could we have a chat sometime as I wanted to talk to her about something quite sensitive. I wanted to give her to option to chat in person, if she wanted but prepare herself. She replied with 'are you pregnant?'. I said yes, she said congratulations and we literally never talked about it again. I totally got it and left the ball in her court. I understood it was too painful so wanted to set the scene before even texting it.