I'm currenrly 18 weeks pregnant. The father has emotionally abused and neglected me and our relationship, opting to prioritise having a carefree social life over investing in the relationship. This involves multiple nights out excessively drinking and taking drugs. He is a narcissist so flips the situation when im trying to express my hurt. He showcases a 'nice guy' persona and always likes to look good to others. I dont think he's an evil guy but he's so emotionally stunted and immature that he just can't deal with anything.
Recently he let me use his phone and I came across messages to his best friend basically tearing me apart. Bragging about all the alcohol he's gonna buy as soon as I'm shipped off to visit my mother and how he can't wait for a break from me. The comments and the way he was talking about me was so disrespectful and derogatory. Basically annilating me to the friend about how what I'm eating is not healthy enough which will damage the babies health. I've had extreme sickness and dehydration so I'm doing my best to eat anything...hes constantly shaming me. Slating me again complaining that I'd asked him to go to my brothers and that he couldn't be bothered or arsed to go. Saying my dad invited him to golf and when the friend said 'maybe he will ask you to prospose', he replied oh fuck that, never that or something to that extent. Further up his friend was asking him about going out partying again on the 5th and he was replying that he's got the baby show (which we booked) but that he will try after. Looking back, I wanted to book the afternoon time for the show so I didn't have to get up so early to travel as I've been so poorly but he insisted on the early morning one...now I know this was to get back to go out. He also lied previously saying he was going out for a friends birthday when in fact, this was also a lie and just another excuse to go out. His friend is just as bad. He's just had a child which i thought would mature him and rub off on my partner. Instead, hes continued goong out and taking drugs, to the point where his ex partner had to take their newborn out at around 3am to pick him up on the street after he was so high he got lost. He's a conpulsive liar and tells white lies to cover up things which then escalate. I also saw some video of some topless woman on his gallery. I could have read more but I just got too upset. The way he talked about me was so disgusting, like I was absolutely nothing and a burden. If someone can speak so poorly and derogatory and disrespectful about me, then they clearly have no respect for me at any stage. He's not present, always glued to his phone (which he takes everywhere, even the bathroom) and shows me no affection. He never wants to do anything with me citing that he has no money however finds the time and funds when friends suggest going out. He offered to do Dry January as a 'nice gesture' as i couldnt drink. As soon as his friend said about going out he dropped this immediately and went back on this. Now I know that he has literally been sitting opposite me on the sofa while messaging and bitching about me constantly, even when we're okay with each other. He resents me for not being keen on him going out so frequently, especially when it's because of the dangerous activities he does. He makes me out to be the bad guy to his friends. When i brought up needing to reign it in before, he complained that he missed out on a trip to Amsterdam (basically to take drugs with his friends) so he does say no. This shocked me as we havent been away as a couple for 8 years as he says its too expensive and he's shot me down about having a cheap baby moon before little one arrives. I just cant win. All of this is happening while I am severely ill and pregnant.
I was so upset and when he asked me what was wrong, I was crying and said I saw some of your messages. He literally went white and started retreating so I just screamed at him that he was disgusting for speaking about me like that. The only thing he replied was 'why did you read my messages' and 'I need an outlet'. Sometimes he's been sending the messages when we've been fine with each other but secretly he's just tearing me down.
I'm in a really awful situation. We jointly own a house with a mortgage.
If I try to sell the house quickly (which is unlikely to happen before baby is born due august), I will be left with little equity to get another mortgage. I also wouldn't be considered as I will be on maternity pay and would have to return to work on full wages for at least 6 months before I could look for another mortgage on a smaller place. At the same time, I will be homeless with a baby and the childcare costs to return to work will eat up my income. I'd likely also lose my job as I'd have to relocate and request full time remote working which my company won't allow.
If I stay in the house, I'm reliant on him paying his half of the mortgage and bills. He's moved out and already redirected his post so I can't rely that this will be stable. Although he's moved out, he can still access the property at any time and has been monitoring my movements through the ring doorbell app. When I return to work, again the childcare costs are going to cripple me but I need my wage to survive. We've only had the mortgage 2 years and paid off around 18k. Despite this, if I was to try and buy him out, he'd want the full 50% of the sale value (200k ish) which there is absolutely no way I could afford.
If I was to seek homelessness help, I'll be penalised for having savings (albeit a small amount) and won't be able to afford anything or return to work. Everywhere I turn is a dead end.
I've been inconsolable every day, just crying, overthinking, throwing up etc. Unfortunately I'm in a position where I'm reliant on him as he drives and were a bit out of the way. When he left, he left me with no way to get to the shop for groceries as I've been so so ill. I've had to rely on expensive deliveries which charge premiums. He hadn't even messaged me or reached out to see how the baby and I were until my brother called him and prompted him to do so. At this stage, he just lacks common decency or courtesy.
He's then reached out to me to lay out a plan for him coparenting the baby with me. The shocking thing is he hasn't even bothered to ask me about what it was that I saw on his phone to lead to all of this. The message was transactional and cold, not even bothering to address our 5 year relationship. If I'd upset my partner to that awful stage of making them that upset, you'd do everything you could to find out what id seen, address it and try to sort things out...weve been together a long time and I'm pregnant with his child ffs. The thought of going through all of this alone (while hes living rent and carefree at his parents having the freedom to go out and do what he wants without me being there which i suppose is what he wanted all along) and then have him swoop in to try and take my child from me when he wants contact makes me feel sick.
I've been so so low and just cannot stop bursting into tears. I've had to take time of work because of all this and am just holed up in the house. I'm now considering whether or not i can be a single mum on my own but with him dipping in and out to keep up appearances with his family and friends of being a 'good dad', or face my worst fears and consider whether to continue with the pregnancy. I'm already attached and know I'm having a little boy bit my thoughts are just everywhere.
At this time, his parents or family have no idea that his behaviour has led to this and I've more than likely be painted as the bad guy. I've been sold a dream of a future and am now being forced into being a single mum which I never wanted.
I just don't know what to do and being this upset is no good for anyone. I'm so lost.