Would you keep the baby in this situation?

[Enchanted82]

I’m 42 and my daughter has just turned 8. About 18 months ago we decided we were finally ready to try which ended up in miscarriage and an emergency D&E as I didn’t stop bleeding. We decided to leave it there and be grateful for what we have and not take any risks because of my age.

just found out I’m pregnant, huge shock and lots of different emotions but the main one is being very scared to continue with the pregnancy due to risks. As well as other factors such as the total life change it will mean, financially, emotionally etc!

we are a very small family ( grandparents around but no cousins for my daughter) and I think I worry for her as she gets older but this isn’t a reason to have a child us it?! Not thinking rationally!

Must be hard to go from wanting to have another child to reconciling with the decision to keep things as they are and accepting that, and then having to flip back!

I had my second child at 41, I was treated exactly the same as with my previous child, I was healthy so there were no red flags for health or additional risk.

But all that, it won't make your decision. This is an emotional decision, it's up to you if you want another baby. No lists or rationalising will get you there. Although it's good at forcing the emotions to the top!

You sound completely thrown now you're pregnant. What are you finding most jarring?

Sorry for your previous loss, sounds like a difficult experience.

Can I ask why you waited so long before trying for a second child? You must have been about 40 and your daughter 6.5? It makes me wonder whether you really did/do want a second child, as if you had then surely you would have tried sooner?

It is a tricky one given your age and the increased risks. My oldest just turned 8 and I would hate to start again now, personally, but I do have a younger child as well.

Could you talk to your GP or an organisation like BPAS or Marie Stopes to see if you could arrange some pregnancy choices counselling? It might help to talk it through with someone trained and impartial.

PS I would suggest getting the thread moved to Pregnancy choices

Hi op, I totally get the indecision you're in. We had an accidental pregnancy with an 8year old and a 6 year old after being very very adamant that we wanted no more children. More than happy enough with the ones we had and we were finally getting to the stage in life where they weren't trying to kill eachother and can be much more independent, even went as far as going down the termination route but couldnt go through with it mentally. Unfortunately we also miscarried a handful of weeks later.

But after that, unlike you, it made me realise I would love another, and although it is daunting to "start over" and although we really didn't want anymore prior to getting pregnant. We are all humans and have the right to change our minds and follow our hearts not necessarily our brains. And although I'm petrified of having yet another mc I feel more at peace knowing I'm giving it one last shot with this pregnancy.

So even though you're an "older" mum by medical terms and although you already have an 8 year old and even though you had a horrible miscarriage experience. What does your heart say more?

Would keeping it be something you would regret more than terminating?

I hope you come to peace with whatever decision you decide upon and whatever that may be, you and your family will make the most of it either way x

@JRorBobby Sorry for the late response it has been a hard few days processing everything. Thank you for your message. I think the main things I worry about are the possibility of not having a healthy baby or something happening to me. I had pre eclampsia first time round so scared. Also financially although we are getting to a good place now, we are only just starting to prioritize holidays, pensions etc so I worry about our long term finances with another. I do appreciate not everyone can have everything and you have to cut your cloth accordingly! It just feels like we are finally getting out of that as a couple.

@AnotherEmma Thank you for your message, I have arranged to speak to a counsellor to discuss options.
that’s a totally fair question re why we waited. There were so many reasons- partly financial and a few years ago we weren’t in the position we are now, partly we lived in a very small house and no room for another, now we have moved. Partly early years were tough and wasn’t ready for another. And only now do I feel ready but as I mentioned earlier I do feel it is perhaps too late. I could have had a child earlier but it would have been for societal pressure rather than what felt right for me I think.

@Enchanted82 I can’t comment on anything else, just wanted to add that I had preeclampsia with my first (started at 30 weeks and resulted in having him at 35+0), and I’m now currently 35 weeks again and so far no sign of it. If anything I have low bp this time so far. I have been on asprin since 13 weeks and I guess that’s helped for me.

I understand the worry of having it again, I had that worry. Also I guess it depends how far along in the pregnancy you got.

Thanks @Blue2020
i didn’t have it until I went into labour, not sure how common that is? Or whether that makes it less or more dangerous?