Feeling alone after pregnancy announcement

[Newmum564]

I recently found out I’m pregnant, and while I knew it was still early to tell people, I decided to share the news with my immediate family. My sister has PCOS and has been trying for a baby for a long time, so I fully understand that it wouldn't necessarily come as good news immediately for her and would be incredibly painful for her. I never wanted to hurt her, and I completely get why she needs space to process it. I would have absolutely no issue with that at all and I am completely understanding of her pain, it's just not balanced at all with any celebration or happiness.

Because of the situation, I can't talk about the pregnancy to my family. They say I can, but when I do it is met with obvious resentment and a desire to change the subject or stop talking to me. When I do try to talk about my worries or anything at all, they keep telling me how upset she is and how I need to be sensitive, which I’m absolutely trying to be, but it seems just mentioning it, even just to them privately, is being insensitive because they are all too upset about how it made her feel. I didn’t expect a huge celebration, but I hoped there would at least be some happiness. I feel absolutely awful like I've done something to really hurt my sister and my family are all angry at me for it.

I don’t want to take away from my sister’s pain, but I can’t help feeling incredibly alone. My gut instinct is to avoid talking about the pregnancy altogether to be sensitive to everyone and just go through it on my own. I’m generally quite independent, but my whole family works in medicine and I don't, and my mum has had seven children and this is my first—so they have a lot of knowledge about pregnancy and birth that would genuinely be helpful. Despite that, it just feels like they don’t want to be involved, and I feel like I need them in early pregnancy more than I usually would, but it also seems like they just want space from me because I did this.

Really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's really not fair on you to experience less excitement from people and feel alone because of your sister. I completely get why, especially with her present, things would need to be sensitive but not shut off. At the end of the day it's not your fault that she's having difficulty conceiving.

When I was going through IVF etc, yes pregnancy announcements were very hard especially in the family but there is no way I'd have wanted less excitement or talking about the pregnancy because of me. I just needed some sensitivity and heads up about things sometimes.

If you haven't already I'd really tell your family how you're feeling, in a calm and constructive way. You shouldn't have to experience less of the pregnancy excitement etc.

Do you have a friendship group you can celebrate more with? Hopefully with upcoming antenatal groups that feeling of excitement with other people may come.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with it all 😊

Thank you so much for your response, it a really good to get the perspective of someone who knows what my sister feels.

I do have a friends group, but I am only 5 weeks so don't want to tell them just yet. I am just a bit worried now that I should just keep my head down and do it by myself like it's shameful news, and if I say I am worried about something then it's like they'll roll their eyes because I should just be thankful and it's tactless to say anything.

Hi OP, I didn't want to just read and run. First of all Congratulations! Can you tell your close family how you are feeling? I understand why your sister would find the news a bit difficult however that's not your fault. You should still be able to discuss with other family members and feel excited. Can you find a thread on here with ladies that are due around the same time as you? They may have a group you can join and can discuss without any judgement. You should not feel lonely. Good luck with your pregnancy 🙂

I think you might be taking this the wrong way, which with early pregnancy is very understandable! 5 weeks is so early, and possibly your family know the heartache of early losses and don’t want to get too excited. Yes it’s a bad time for your sister also.

Just remember that this is your pregnancy, not theirs, and you and your husband a discuss it to your heart’s content. Even when pregnancies are announced later with families that haven’t suffered with losses and infertility, after the initial congratulations, not everyone wants to hear about pregnancy trials and tribulations as if you’re not experiencing them yourself, they’re not that interesting! I say this as someone who has had many losses, and been successful whilst friends haven’t, so I can see both sides.

Your pregnancy is yours, and don’t make it feel like it’s only worth something if people are talking about it all the time. They will come round when hopefully the pregnancy is successful and the baby is here. It’s just initially a difficult time as it is so early.

Yes, this. People who’ve experienced miscarriages or watched people they love experience them are going to be very cautious about being unduly celebratory early on. And your pregnancy is just that, yours. If you don’t want to tell your friends yet, find support online if you need it. I didn’t tell anyone other than my midwife and line manager till I was 19 weeks, and tbh, I more or less forgot about it for quite long periods when I wasn’t throwing up.

I think this depends on how sensitively you handled telling your sister. How did you announce it? Did you tell your sister privately or tell everyone together?

5 weeks is very early. I told my family early but there wasn't much excitement (including from me) until we'd had a scan and knew the pregnancy was viable.

Thanks for asking, very good point! I didn't tell her myself. I told her as she has been the primary person helping my little sister through her PCOS so I suggested instead of telling her myself, where she I was worried she would feel the need to paint a smile on, my mum should tell her which she did.

I completely understand being cautious as it is early and I really appreciate it. I suppose my sadness comes from watching their reactions to my older sisters. They both had some kind of excitement and happiness and both announced around 4 weeks, whereas mine has seemed to come as almost disappointing news, almost like a "why did you do this at this of all times". They absolutely didn't say that explicitly, but it has been very much about how upset it's made her.

I'm a little worried now even to speak to my husband about it now. My approach was to tell people I would tell immediately even if something went wrong, then tell other people later, so I just kept it to family (it would be unavoidable too as we see each other relatively frequently and they would know the minute I didn't drink! Haha). But I am now thinking well maybe just ignore it's a thing and don't make it a big deal for now, but it's so hard as a first time mum to pretend I don't think it's a big deal! All very confusing!

I would go low contact in all honesty. If they don’t want to be involved then I wouldn’t want them in my life.

You should not have to dull your own excitement and it’s wrong that they all expect you to because you can bet when it’s your sisters turn they’ll all be shouting it from the roof tops.

Congratulations @Newmum564 . Sorry your family are putting such a downer on your pregnancy. I hope they can come to their senses and be happy for you 💐

Give it some time I think. If you’re only 5 weeks then they can only have very recently got the news and may need time to digest how to deal with it. It’s horrible for you to feel they aren’t excited but they might be so worried about your sister that they are focussing on her initially and navigating how to balance your happiness and her sadness. That may come across as withdrawn or them being annoyed if they feel they need space.

Definitely say something to your mum or other close relative if it doesn’t improve after the 12 week scan though.

It also may be your sister/parents know more about any recent pregnancy losses for your sister or other bad news with regards to her fertility. So maybe the timing is particularly unfortunate and there’s more to it than it seems.