Dealing with anxiety...

[Deidre19]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right place for this message but hopefully a few people will be able to offer some help.

I had a pregnancy loss due to a genetic condition with baby in August 2023. My husband and I have been talking recently about trying again but my anxiety is through the roof. I feel incredibly pent up about everything and want to take the leap of faith but feel like my feet are made of concrete.

I am a naturally anxious person and can get obsessive when I'm worried about something. Recently, I decided that maybe if I act like I'm pregnant, taking food safety precautions etc it might make me feel better if it did happen. However, I've now become hyper aware of anything I eat. Is it safe? Is it clean? What if I get listeriosis etc? It's massively over the top and I know I'm being ridiculous and many women get pregnant with no prep and have perfectly happy and healthy pregnancies but I'm still incredibly anxious.

Has anyone got any advice or been in the same situation? Feeling pretty alone with everything right now...

So I have anxiety and I had two MCs followed by a successful pregnancy followed by another MC followed by a pregnancy that is currently 13wks and looking good (long way to go though…).

But I do know that if a genetic anomaly caused your MC then the one consolation you can take is that there’s nothing you did or didn’t do that caused it. Sometimes it can feel good to try and take control of the situation by e.g. obsessing over food choices but the flipside of that is that you are by implication blaming yourself for something that absolutely wan’t your fault!

I’m not sure I can say what helped or didn’t, tbh. My successful pregnancy was incredibly anxious the whole way through, and this one hasn’t been much better. I did both times cut out alcohol and caffeine after the MC and before the next pregnancy, which I think helped a bit with the anxiety!

I guess practicing a bit of self-compassion has been helpful too. So let yourself be anxious for a bit then talk very kindly to yourself (how you would a good friend) about how it’s understandable you feel this way but ultimately the MC wasn’t your fault and the odds are really very much in your favour next time (or whatever feels like it soothes you a bit). Then see if you can move on, but if you can’t then again imagine someone you really care about in that situation, and maybe you would just let them be anxious and be with that feeling for a bit until they were ready to move on? I think trying not to be anxious when really you are just anxious and it’s an anxiety-causing situation is pointless, but I also think that getting full-blown orthorexia in an attempt to control an innately uncontrollable situation is also not a good idea. Have you considered counselling?

Thank you for replying! I feel like it's inevitable for me to be anxious probably until I have a healthy baby in my arms and then my anxieties will probably change! I suppose I just wonder how people take the plunge to actually try again and not let that fear stop them from ever trying again?