Best ways to help pregnant niece

[Greatauntcat]

DN is 16 and pregnant. Not ideal, no I’m not thrilled to be a great aunt at 26 and DB and SIL are not super keen on being grandparents at 36, but it’s her choice and she wants to keep the baby. Dad is also a teenager, and his family are not supportive at all and have pretty much declared they want nothing to do with it.

My DB and SIL have 4 other children, including 3 year old twin DDs. Me and my DP have two (DD5 and DS3).
I have always been close to my DN, she often stays at our house and pre pregnancy I was taking her to uni open days and looking at course.

I want to help her as much as I can with this baby, but I don’t know what the best kind of help is. Her mum and dad have their hands full already, and even tho she is not my child I am probably the one in the best position to help as I stay at home and live five minutes away. My DB and SIL have made it clear that while they will do what they can, they are limited in how much they can help her. They also both work.

She and the babies dad are currently staying in a flat that will be suitable for the baby, so that’s sorted. She is quite a natural with children so I’m not worried she won’t know what to do, she’s been surrounded by children her whole life.

I am just worried. She is 6 months now and has horrible morning sickness, she’s also been a bit down lately. I think the reality is setting in that her life is going to change forever and be very different from her peers. We obviously talked to her when she told us about her options. My SIL asked me to talk to her as well incase she felt more comfortable telling me she wants to terminate, but she didn’t. She said “oh but you and mum had your children young” and I kind of don’t think she grasps that our situations were very different to hers.

I am just worried sick. So, I suppose what I’m asking is: If you had a child young (teens, or just unplanned at an awkward stage of life) what was the best way someone could help you? Anything specific, big or small.

I'd be talking practically to her. Who is funding the flat, what income do they have? Continuing education? They're the hard realities.

The flat belongs to her grandparents on SILs side, they said they can use it for as long as they need. SILs family have a lot of money from property and luckily they are pretty keen to help. I would really like her to continue education because she is really bright, works super hard, but I don’t really know how that’s going to work. I am concerned she will put her education on the back burner then before she knows it she will be older and it will be harder to get into places. Her boyfriend is very sweet and is saying how he will do more hours, but he works minimum wage and I don’t think it’s worth him leaving education unless he absolutely has to. My DN seems to be a bit more aware of the reality than him, but I don’t know him that well and from what I can gather his parents have essentially told him he’s on his own.

I was the same age when I had my first. It sounds like she has far better support than I did, and if it's any help, my DS is now all grown up and doing quite well for himself.

I didn't have a great situation so maybe its useful to say that I think it would have helped immensely if I'd had housing security (which it sounds like your DN has). I also had people who pressured me to do everything at once; "You've got a baby now! You need an education/job/house/be a perfect parent!" Crazy on reflection and when I had my other children, in my late twenties, I found people were so much kinder and gave me so much more grace when I found things hard. Which is ironic really, I needed that much more at 17 than I did at 26. You mentioned being concerned about her education but I wouldn't worry so much..I got behind, and then I caught up.

So, it comes across like just having such a positive relationship with you will be the most important thing. Can you be the person who tells her to take a breath when needed, the early years are short and fly by? Just being someone she can talk to when it gets to be a lot, who won't judge or berate will be so helpful.

Also, a trusted grown up to help navigate the benefits system, if that's needed at some point would have been great.

I feel like actually parenting DS, as in his day-to-day care, as a teen mum was fine. It came quite naturally to me, but being plunged into an adult world of admin and finances and all that, was so stressful and scary and I felt very alone. I still carry that anxiety despite being in a good situation for a long time now. People will talk about "hard realities and consequences" but she already knows this, trust me. She will need information, knowledge and support to navigate these.

If it happened to one of my children, I'd be saying first and foremost that they are not alone. Your DN already has you on here asking what to do to help, so you're already doing well by her. The next thing I would do, is equip her with as much info as possible.

Like PP said, first and foremost just nurture a good relationship with her. She'll want your advice and guidance, and your role as a friend.