I don’t want a baby shower

[NMc16]

I’m 31 weeks pregnant and I don’t want a baby shower. My friends have asked if I wanted one and I’ve just said no but happy to meet up for a lunch or coffee before the baby is born. They seemed offended but they aren’t for me. I hate the thought of them. Opening gifts in front of people just makes me cringe tbh. My work held one for me and I was completely surprised. It wasn’t even really a shower as such it was just a nice send off party for maternity leave and I got a lovely candle and voucher. No games or anything like that and no ‘mum to be sash’. Thing is I was tagged in photos and now my friends think ‘oh but your work had one’. I am grateful that they are thinking of me but I’ve told them I would rather wait till the baby is born and we can do something then. The thought of them making a fuss of the baby and holding them just seems more meaningful. I won’t see my work colleagues for 9 months so I thought it was a nice send off. Can people just not respect your choice to not have one? Am I being cruel on my friends for not having one but one with colleagues?

I didn’t have one with either baby, and my friends/family were all delighted as it meant they didn’t have to spend extra money!
I started a new job when I was pregnant so I didn’t know my colleagues very well, and they threw me a surprise baby shower…I almost died with embarrassment and whilst I appreciated the thought, I hated every second of it!

The work one was a surprise. No, I really don’t want one, thanks but no thanks. And repeat until it sinks in.

I think with work it’s different. I was surprised too and wasn’t expecting it. I’m not close or friends outside of work with my colleagues and thought it was a lovely gesture but I won’t see them for 9 months so I thought of it more as a leaving party. I’m just annoyed at my friends reaction.
i shouldn’t feel forced or pressured into having one

I didn't have one, didn't even consider having one. If you don't want one then don't do it.

I've never had, not ever would have a baby shower. With my first DC my lovely friends were organising a surprise for me (after many years of awful fertility struggles and losses) but I stated to everyone (not knowing they were planning) that I absolutely didn't want one. Felt VERY strongly about it, having had a friend who had one then experienced a still birth days later... obviously not connected but for me I prefer to celebrate once baby is safely here. I also hate being the centre of attention, don't like to feel like I'm asking for gifts....so many reasons!

They were all lovely about it - accepted it no questions and supported me. If your friends are true friends they should do the same.

To add- my work did do cute little things like decorate my desk, sign a card, buy a voucher and gather round to say goodbye over a cup of tea. To me, this felt very different - I was less honest about my feelings at work, so no one was distracting my wishes, it was lower key, less expensive in terms of participation and contribution to gift and less attention on me- just a cup of tea and well wishes- no games, no present opening etc.

That’s kinda the same as mine. No sash, no big fuss made and no games or opening gifts in front of people . Just an afternoon tea with scones and treats and a lovely gift

Not be can blame you. They are tacky and grabby, and the only thing worse is a gender reveal.

I did have a send off from work with my first though - there was a cake and a gift voucher to a baby store. That was nice, not a tacky event.

I didn't have one for either of mine.
I hate the thought of people having to buy a gift

Do you friends usually pressure you into things? I’m sorry but they don’t sound like very good friends to me. Good friends respect your decisions and don’t pressure or bully you into something you don’t want to do.

They don't sound like very good friends. I have 3 kids and never had a baby shower, never wanted one. My DM was quite keen with my first and was a little pushy but I just kept on saying no. No problem with other people doing what they want but it just wasn't for me.

Honestly? I think sometimes it’s more a party for them than anyone else. They are the type that if you don’t follow ‘societal rules’ or do whatever everyone else does then it’s weird. I said that I would meet them for a coffee and they said about an afternoon tea to celebrate the baby and I just that I would rather wait until they are born and celebrate then so I’m hoping they have got the message. If I said yes to afternoon tea that just means baby shower to them even though I specifically the first time I didn’t want one

Keep telling them you don't want one, say you'll have a 'meet the baby' gathering when you're ready for it. Then when the inevitable gifts arrive, because people simply will not listen when people say 'no gifts please' leave them to one side and open them later. If they're going to ignore your wishes by forcing unwanted gifts on you, you don't have to follow social conventions and open them in front of them, then maybe they'll get the message.

Also change your settings so tags by other people aren't visible unless you approve them and never do it.

I remember my ex's mum bursting into tears when her daughter in law invited her to her baby shower. Unbeknownst to the daughter in law and I at the time, she'd had two third trimester losses during the birth of per first two sons (a very rare, recurrent issue that was difficult to detect back then, and was resolved in her third pregnancy).

I remember her choking through her tears that she didn't want to ruin things, but didn't know how she could go. Daughter in law said she was going ahead regardless and wanted both the grannies there, so ex MIL grinned and bore it, though you can see in the photos how uncomfortable she was. I could completely understand why she was upset and didn't think she should have gone, but I was content to go along regardless because it seemed like a nice thing to do and, I thought, who am I to be doom and gloom about such a happy event?

I was helping plan my own baby shower when I lost my baby in the second trimester. I found myself in my ex MIL's shoes, suddenly understanding why something a trivial as a baby shower could be so triggering. Sadly, I have two friends who also both had a second and third trimester loss (all of us had rare issues throughout). I will never, ever attend another baby shower again. I get it now.

It's a long way of saying that you don't even really need to provide a reason to not want one because it could be a traumatic reason and they should be respecting your decision without question. But reminding them of that might be a good idea. They don't seem like very good friends, to be honest, if they can't respect your decision.

I do appreciate the thought and I’m not meaning to sounds ungrateful. I’ve had a pretty straightforward pregnancy so far and no issues other than normal pregnancy symptoms. it just annoys me when people think you have to do things ‘because everyone else is’. It isn’t against the law to not have one

I've not had one for either pregnancy and hardly anyone I know has. So not a social norm everywhere at all! I think work is different as you are stopping work for a bit so they are wishing you a nice mat leave. You will see your friends once the babies born and surely better to celebrate then when baby is here safely. They should respect your wishes whatever!

You absolutely do not have to have one. Be firm in that if thats how you feel. I had one because it just seemed the done thing but didnt enjoy it, dont like being centre of attention etc. If you'd like, would you have something like a girls' lunch instead? Tell them strictly no decorations/sashes etc. Might be a nice way to catch up with everyone and get out of the house before baby comes and you're in your own bubble for a few weeks. People will gift you things no matter what if that's what they want to do, so not having a shower won't stop them buying. People were extremely generous with gifts at my baby shower which I was so grateful for. And it actually left me with very little baby items to buy so in hindsight was very glad to receive gifts before I went ahead and bought it all myself. Just to be clear did not expect anything but just how it was. Just an idea anyway but definitely suit yourself!

Not ‘ungrateful’. Keep saying no to these people.

Yep I’ve said I would meet up for a coffee and that’s it and made it clear that I will do something to celebrate when the baby is here. If they decide to throw something anyway I would be very annoyed as like you I don’t like attention on me, fuss and the thought of people thinking they have to buy me things makes me cringe. I don’t mind attending other people’s if that’s what they want to do. It’s the whole gender thing annoys
me too like the partners/husbands were asked to leave at the last ones I attended. Like they are fathers to be they do matter as well.
i just found it very strange

You've made your point very clear so surely your friends would now drop this? I would find it odd if they don't.