Telling people our news!!

[Scotlass93]

So we’ve been for our 12 week scan today to find out all is well and we have been feeling excited all day, hoping to tell everyone our news this weekend…. I’ve just had a message from my sister in law telling me she’s just suffered from a miscarriage yesterday and that she wanted me to know… I feel very selfish in saying this but my day has been shattered and I now don’t want to be telling people as I know it will be a case of “we’re happy for you but what a shame on….” Don’t get me wrong of course I’m super upset for them and my heart aches for them, but I guess my question is how long do I wait to tell people our news now :( :(

I would personally wait a few weeks to share having been given this information about your SIL. I appreciate this derails your plans and your own justifiable excitement, but in this instance I would absolutely show kindness and sensitivity to your SIL. She will have to deal with all the emotions of a family pregnancy closely after her own loss, but I would give her a few weeks grace first. Miscarriage is devastating, and however shattered you were by hearing this yesterday, I suspect that it is a drop in the ocean compared to your SILs sadness. I caveat this by saying that I have experienced infertility and miscarriage so would tread more carefullly in these cjrcs than others might.

Being someone who has just had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, I personally wouldn't want someone not to tell me their happy news just because I am hurting. That being said everyone is different, perhaps give it a few days and have a conversation directly to share the news but also appreciating it if she may need to step back at this time.
Wishing you the best of luck whatever you choose to do

I would have hated thinking someone was holding off telling me they were pregnant because I'd had a miscarriage. I'd tell people when you planned to. But don't make a big deal of it.

But then I never wanted to make a big deal of it, or deliberately waited till 12 weeks to make a big announcement anyway.

Definitely wait. How long you should wait depends partially on SILs personality and partially on how far along she was and how long they've been trying etc. All miscarriages are awful, but someone mentally robust in their 20s who has children already, and had a loss at 5 weeks... is a different kettle of fish to a mentally frail 43 year old still trying for baby #1 after ten years TTC, and has just had a miscarriage at 23 weeks pregnant. You should obviously wait at least two weeks whichever scenario it is, but probably longer if it's the second one.

As someone whose in-laws kept their entire pregnancy a secret from us because I miscarried around the time of their 12 week scan... tell them. Even if it means taking their partner aside and asking how best to approach telling them, don't keep it from them! The lies and deception hurt so much more than the news itself.

I’d tell your sister privately first and then decide where to go from there

Depends how you were planning to share the news - a group text/ in person with everyone together? And does this mean you haven't told either of your parents yet either?
I think if you haven't told your parents and in laws then you could still go ahead and tell them this weekend. Then to share with SIL I would text her - no scan pictures etc and explain you understand this might be hard for her to hear and you understand if she doesn't want to talk about it with you right now. I wouldn't tell her in person as a text means she doesn't have to hide her natural reaction e.g she can cry if she wants to and doesn't have to pretend to be happy. And just be mindful throughout pregnancy not to over discuss it with her as it will be a difficult subject for her.

The lies and deception hurt so much more than the news itself.
Yes, this is definitely how I felt

Talk to sister first. She would not want you to hold back your news because of her, but may feel crushed if she finds out with the rest of the world. Chat to her sensitively. If you hold back a few weeks then announce she will then know that you were pregnant when she miscarried and deliberately didn't say - although done with good intentions this would be harder to take.

It's awful, it's always going to be awful but talking to her 1-1 and before announcing will be the more sensitive and thoughtful option. When I miscarried I found it worse hearing news from others who kept it back.

Wait a few weeks and tell your sister in law by text first. Let her take the lead on how much she wants to see/be around you and the baby. Zoe Clark-Coates has written some great books about pregnancy loss and supporting people through it and is on SM too

I would perhaps wait for a few weeks, as your SIL's miscarriage will undoubtedly be causing her significant grief. Perhaps you could announce your pregnancy after the 16 week scan, by when you will also know the baby's gender (if you intend to find out)?

My cousin told me about her pregnancy at the same time I was in the EPU having my 3rd miscarriage. Id rung to let her know. For me, she could have waited a few weeks to tell people, her good news wasn't going to lose its shine by waiting a bit and it would have, at the very least, saved me just a little bit of heartache on that day and the days that followed. Whatever you chose to do, tread carefully, her bad news will be having a much bigger impact than your inability to share good news. And please, not in person, allow her the opportunity to absorb the information by text and put on her brave face.

Is she your brother's wife, or your DH's sister/DH's brother's wife?

If it's your brother's wife I would leave it a week or so and then tell your brother and ask his advice about whether or not he should be the one to tell her privately.

If it's your DH's sister/brother's wife I'd ask DH to have that conversation.

Either way I think you can still tell your parents/in laws soon as long as your SIL won't be present.

Obviously it's brilliant news for you but you can't expect people to ignore what your SIL is going through. Whether you announce this weekend or three weeks from now people will still feel a need to contain their excitement out of respect for SIL.

Wait for the results of your screening tests (if you opted in). That way you have the extra peace of mind and then you give it a couple of days for the MC news to settle but not long enough for it to feel like you've been hiding out of feeling sorry for her x

Please don't make an announcement the day after she's told you about her miscarriage. I know your good news has nothing to do with her bad news but you should give her a bit if time.

Obviously don't hide it for ages either. But in my pregnancies I always told both sets of parents first anyway so I think it's fine if you just tell them, let them be happy for you and then text all the siblings a few weeks later. It doesn't have to be a huge song and dance making a pregnancy announcement to everyone all at once.

Good advice here. A good reason to leave it a week.

Please wait a few weeks at least. It would monumentally tone deaf to announce just now.