39y/o - Struggling with my first pregnancy loss

[RoseWinter]

Hello all,

Turning to this forum for hope, positivity, comfort, anything.

I'm 39, and recently went through my first round of IVF as an NHS referral and we won't be paying for more. We both made that decision early on due to the cost of it all. We were NHS funded due to my history of endometriosis (which I had removed 18 months ago). To our surprise, against all odd, very low odds, it worked and I got my BFP about 3 weeks ago. I've never had a pregnancy before so we were so excited but trying to stay grounded.

On Tuesday (11th Feb) at 7 weeks pregnant, I went in for my viability scan and unfortunately, the baby hadn't grown. I have a gestational sac and a yolk sac both measuring very small. They referred me to the EPAU and I had my appointment there yesterday. They agreed that it was a pregnancy loss. I haven't miscarried yet, still waiting. The nurse suggested this could start any day soon now as the degeneration of pregnancy sac and tissues has begun. I've experienced no bleeding and no symptoms of a miscarriage yet. I'm being scanned again next week for a) if I do naturally miscarry before my next scan, to check all the tissue has left ny body or b) if I don't miscarry by then, to talk through my options of medically or surgically removing.

I'm really struggling with my emotions around all of this. The tears just don't stop. When they do and I think I'm ok, I'm caught off guard and I'm streaming tears again. I just want my baby. I just want to be happy again. I've been signed off work for a couple of weeks to deal with everything that's to come. I'm panicking that it'll never happen for me because of my age etc. We are going to try naturally for the rest of the year as we have discussed another round but on max dose of hormones my body didn't respond well and theres no guarantee it'll work again. I only got 3 eggs only 1 fertilised and made it to blast and that little one is the one I'm currently losing. I feel so sad and so broken, this journey is so cruel.

Hello. First, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Just work through the sadness and when you’re ready, carry on with your plan to try naturally.

I was going to go via the IVF route. I am 38 next month with low ovarian reserve. I was terrified that it wouldn’t happen for me either. But, miraculously, a few months before I was going to start treatment, I found out I am expecting through natural conception. I’m currently 17 weeks and everything is looking good (touch wood!!). It absolutely can happen. Please hold onto hope. Sending you positive baby dust. 💐

Sending you all the luck in the world and congratulations on your little miracle. I'm truly happy for you. I find joy in other people's success stories.

For the past 4 days, I've woken up sad and crying my eyes out. Wondering why this happening to me and if I'll ever have a beautiful little family of my own. The hardest thing is still being pregnant and waiting to miscarry. I just want it over and done with so I can heal and start again xx

Surely it is too early for them to say that you've miscarried though?

I had early scans where I was told that I had lost the baby because they couldn't see anything - I hadn't and they were all viable pregnancies. In my case, for some reason it's hard for anything to be visible before 10 weeks. Everyone is different and some people are harder to scan than others.

My advice would be, don't be rushed into anything. Particularly because you've not had any symptoms of miscarriage.

Both the IVF clinic and the EPAU said there was no further growth and there was signs of bleeding and degeneration of the pregnancy tissue visible on the scans so they're 99% sure I'll miscarry any day now. As it was a pregnancy through IVF the dates are pretty spot on so they've said for me being 7 weeks there should have been a fetal pole and a heartbeat by now but theres no "live" activity. I do have another scan next week to be sure of things but this week has been so hard to come to terms with. It just feels like my world is broken 💔

So sorry to hear of your loss❤️‍🩹 I had a mmc in 2022 and it was the most heartbreaking and difficult time of my life. I’m not an emotional person but I just couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I’d lost my only chance to be a mum. I did conceive a few months later and had my little girl but I know those stories don’t always help when you feel so broken. I’ve just had an ectopic pregnancy and lost a tube, it just feels unfair that ttc and having a baby is constantly one hurdle after another!

I'm the same. The strong one that always looks after everyone else, the shoulder for other people to cry on, don't show my emotions openly and right now all I've done is cry and try and get through every single day some how. I'm so so pleased you managed to concieve and have your daughter ❤that's so lovely to hear. I hope a sibling comes soon for your her too. When you had your mmc, did you have it medically dealt with? Was it quite traumatic? I'm just wondering what to expect. I really just want to heal from this now.

Yes you sound exactly like me! i had medical management, I couldn’t bare to wait for it to naturally pass as hadn’t bled at all. I didn’t find it traumatic, however I had the first lot of tablets in the hospital on a Saturday, more on Sunday, got sent home that evening and didn’t pass the pregnancy until Wednesday. It took absolutely ages and I hadn’t heard anyone else say that! It wasn’t painful or heavy though because I think it took so long

I can't bare to keep waiting either. I know my baby is gone now. But I'm waking up every day still pregnant, still no sign of miscarrying and its breaking my heart every day of what could of been. As awful as it sounds and never did I think I'd ever think or say this, but I really want this miscarriage to hurry up and get out of my system. I don't feel like I can move on or heal until it's done. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I prefer to know what's coming now that this is the journey I have to take. I really hope I didn't bring back any ill feelings and thoughts you may have had through your experience as I am living how traumatic, painful and upsetting it can be. Sending you love and thank you again for making me feel I'm not alone xx

@RoseWinter I'm so sorry to read this as I have been there myself. IVF, no heart beat at 7 weeks, the wait to miscarry or discuss further options. It is utterly heartbreaking and there is nothing that can be said to change this. I was 35 when this happened and it was our second try at IVF (self funded, as our 1 funded NHS try was completely unsuccessful).
There is a lot of support online from The Worst Girl Gang Ever and Miscarriage Association when you're ready to have a look.

Full disclosure, we luckily had 1 frozen embryo and this was successful.

Hi @RoseWinter i am so sorry for your loss. I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks a few years ago. After a normal scan at 10 weeks. I had to wait 2 weeks for surgery it was absolutely horrible. It took a few years to conceive that pregnancy so I was absolutely devastated at the time. I am now pregnant through ivf with pgta and cautiously optimistic. I’ve done a lot of reading about Ivf along the way, there can be a huge difference between one cycle and the next when they change protocols (or even when they don’t ). Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do next. Hope you are looking after yourself , I took a month off work when it happened to me.

Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I'm so pleased your dream to have a family worked out. I had no more embreyos so we aren't able to do the IVF again. They only managed to get 3 eggs in the first place and only 1 fertilised, which is the one I got pregnant with but I'm waiting to miscarry. To do a full cycle is so expensive. I'm just feeling utterly broken right now. It's the harshest thing to go through being given hope and having it ripped away. I have no words for the loss I'm feeling. Its loss of the hope, the dream, the plans, the excitement, the happiness, along with the physical baby xx

I know how you feel. I have been TTC for 5 years. Have had 4 rounds of IVF and am now utterly skint. We cannot afford anymore. I have had 2 miscarriages in that time. One was a natural conception and one was from an IVF round. Each positive test I stupidly allowed myself to feel hope that this was the one that would work. Sadly it wasn’t to be. And I am now too old to continue further anyway. My first miscarriage was at 40. My second at 42. I’m now 44 and have given up. I am now coming to terms with remaining childless. To be honest, I feel more devastated for my husband than myself. But I cannot change things so I do my best to carry on.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much over the years only for it not to work out. It's such a horrible thing to experience. Just so so awful. It's such an expensive thing to have to go through with no guarantees at the end of it. Though my IVF clinic have been great, and I was an NHS funded patient, I feel like the "transaction" is done now. My local EPAU have taken over now. Sending you love and light, it must be so difficult accepting what you want is no longer within in reach. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it's been for you x