Pregnancy amid marriage breakdown

[LST7965]

Hello all.

I’m in a vulnerable state so please be kind.

My marriage is breaking down. At the same time, I have found out I am pregnant.

I have a 1 year old daughter and this was not planned. Already I feel that continuing this pregnancy is not sensible as we are in such a bad place. I also feel huge guilt that already the symptoms are preventing me from caring for my daughter.

I feel intensely grateful to be pregnant after years of issues with ttc, so I don’t take that lightly. But we are not in a position financially or emotionally to take care of another baby.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here - I guess, if I’m a terrible person for considering not moving forward with this pregnancy, as traumatic as I imagine that will be?

My husband wants to keep the baby and work on things and I can’t tell if these thoughts are hormones or being rational.

I am alone in this as I have no friends or family I can turn to.

Please help.

I think you know the right thing to do for you and dd. Book an appointment.

Of course you wouldn't be a bad person for deciding not to proceed with the pregnancy. If it isn't the right time then it isn't the right time. Only you can make the final decision but know that it is fully yours to make. Nobody can make you keep or end the pregnancy, it's your body and your decision.

Hope you're ok

Your thoughts and feelings are totally normal in this situation - it sounds like a really tough place to be. The rational thoughts around supporting your existing child and your marriage breakdown are sound reasons - although your husband can express his opinions, in the times of a marriage breakdown I would place more emphasis on your feelings, as you are the person who is pregnant and will be left supporting your child and potential baby alone.

I don't think you're a terrible person at all for considering not moving forward, if you were a real life friend of mine in this situation I'd be telling you that was a sensible, totally understandable choice to make.

If you want to have another child, I would continue with the pregnancy. It doesn't seem a very popular belief, but I think when you already have a child together, separating is not necessarily a good reason to end a pregnancy. Your current child will have a sibling she can share parents with and the 2 of them would have shared experiences.

Many parenting relationships will end in separation, I think it is preferable (if possible) to share both parents.

Are your marital problems mostly financial?
Are you seeing a professional counsellor?
What type of father is DH?
See your doctor and remain in good health.

Whatever you do, you need to have a safe home for your child/children.

I’m really sorry you’re in this position OP. What a tough decision, but have faith that you will make the right decision for you and your family right now. A piece of advice I heard is to write your future self a letter with the reasons why you made your decision whichever it is, so that in the future if you regret or question your decision you have something that reminds you of the reasons you came to your decision. Because it’s very easy with hindsight to judge yourself and you can only make the best decision with the facts that are available to you now.

Children are very hard on a marriage and it isn’t unusual to be having a difficult time with a one year old. Whichever decision you make try and access some support like therapy for yourself (and ideally your marriage too if you can). All the best.