13 weeks - no patience.

[30STMK]

My daughter is playing me up constantly lately (she’s seriously testing me) & im not sure if it’s getting to me more because I’m pregnant (currently 13 weeks) I feel shit all the time, constantly nauseas or being sick in between working full time & bringing her up alone as her dad picks & chooses when he has her so she hasn’t seen him for weeks but this is normal.

I don’t know what the the point of this post is I guess I just needed somewhere to vent as I feel like all I do is shout and moan at my child day in day out it’s getting me down on top of feeling like shit anyway….

She was over the moon when I told her she was going to be a big sister & it’s all she’s talked about ever since so I don’t feel it’s a jealous thing she just enjoys pushing my boundaries….

Sound tough for you. How old is she?

The huge news will be unsettling her for sure, even if she is pleased, it’s a big unknown and that is scary for a child. The dad situation sounds like more uncertainty.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/07/when-your-child-keeps-ignoring-boundaries-and-breaking-rules-try-this/

If you are at the point where you are shouting at her something is seriously wrong for you, and she will be picking up on that. Hope you can find some help and support you need. They are just mirrors, anytime we think they are being problematic it will be because the parent needs to deal with their own stuff.

@WallabyJob I forgot to mention she’s 6 almost 7.

Sorry I think there’s been a misunderstanding, when I say shouting when she does something like drop a glass of water over the sofa when I’ve told her to leave the glass on the table then I shout her name, yes.

Thanks for sending the link I will definitely give that a read but to say I need to deal with my own stuff?

The dad situation is normal for her that’s nothing new tbh.

After that response I feel like just removing the post talk about kicking someone whilst they are down.

Sorry to hear the post got you down. Being pregnant is really hard. Parenting a 6yo is really hard, let alone the both together and the father of the 6yo sounds completely unsupportive.

It’s never OK to shout at a child. Yes, it happens, it can be an inevitable part of parenting but it feels horrible and tends to mean your ‘window of tolerance’ is very narrow because your own needs aren’t being met. It’s not an insult to say that - it’s true for most mothers that their needs aren’t being met and they have a short fuse as a result.

Children don’t ‘enjoy’ pushing boundaries, they need to do it, it’s part of their development to test how safe our love is or if it is conditional. You are obviously a great mum for reflecting this and reaching out. Hope you find some support.

The books How to talk so kids will listen and Hunt, gather parent are amazing.

I didn’t think that was a mean post op, anytime I get annoyed and shout it’s because I’m overwhelmed. I don’t think pp was trying to kick you, they were trying to be sympathetic ( to you and your child). and offer some advice and a way to reframe and tackle the issue . I don’t think 6 year olds ‘enjoy testing boundaries’ Just to piss you off, they’re looking for security. Her dad will unsettle her, and she’s having another major life change too, even if she’s happy about it. Do you have any one you can lean on for some support?

I just wanted to let you know that you are doing a fantastic job OP, just the fact that you have empathy and you care enough to post about this shows you’re trying your best and want to be better which is honestly all you can do. Please disregard pp saying it’s this unnormal thing to shout at your child and if you do something is very wrong for you. That is the most ridiculous bs I’ve ever heard in my life, we are human beings and of course children will be children and sometimes yes, shock and horror, they must be shouted at if they are acting up and their behaviour warrants it as such. That’s a completely normal and human reaction, it’s not something you intend to do with your children but gentle parenting does not work for every child, some children just simply do not listen with that approach.

I am also 14 weeks and feeling nauseous being sick all the time with a toddler and omg it is literally hard work! So just the fact that you are going through this, I take my hat off to you! You should be so so proud of yourself.

Do you have a support system of family, friends that are in your life? This can be helpful to utilise and I would also speak to your MW about your concerns because they sometimes offer some extra support that we don’t usually know is there until we ask, you can ask for a 1-1 caseload midwife who will do home visits instead of you attending hospitals if you feel you need that. Are you on any medication or spoke to your GP about your sickness?

💐

Not shouting it’s not just gentle parenting (which actually involves being extremely firm), it’s part of any type of parenting or speaking to children, that actually works. As soon as you are shouting, you have lost them. You are disregulated, and they have succeeded in the mission to find out what triggers you. They are programmed to push your buttons And when you shout, they have learnt that they have the power to ruffle you. Yes, shouting may ‘work’ for some but only in as much as the child is too scared to act out and the relationship is damaged. Mostly it doesn’t work at all though.

If you are shouting you are disregulated. As soon as you are disregulated, a child becomes disregulated look up co-regulation. Parents eternally seek solutions to their children’s behave within the children, but children are just mirrors. Heal the parent and the child’s behavior will improve dramatically.

Shouting is extremely common and it doesn’t make you a bad parent, but it is avoidable if you seek therapy and learn how to regulate. Parenting becomes infinitely easier and more joyful when you are not frequently in a state of rage. Pregnancy is an amazing time for therapy BTW, as the hormones can bring a lot of buried stuff to the surface.

We were never designed to parent alone, which is why mum rage is so common. As PP say do you have a support network? And if not can you build one?